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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My partner hit me

53 replies

DeeDee123azAZ09 · 16/07/2016 16:41

It's quite a long story but about a month ago my partner got angry, stormed upstairs in to our bedroom one night demanding my phone because he has trust issues. I gave him my phone and he saw a message from a friend's mum telling me something personal, he didn't like it... Locked me in the bedroom, kicked me in the leg, elbowed my in the face, threw me to the floor, chocked me and pushed my face in to the floor then hit me in the back of my head. He did all this while our baby girl slept in her cot in the same bedrooom. He didn't apologize as he said I deserved it. He constantly puts me down and times me if I go see my family, if we argue he calls me fat (knowing I'm struggling with an eating disorder) since he has stomped on my phone and has nicknamed me chubs or chunks, grabs my wobbly parts and says what's this bit... Maybe you should calm down with the eating...

He left me 2 months after our little girl was born because he couldn't cope with me having male friend's and told my friend he wanted to hit me. I got close with a guy (the one who the argument started about) I told him and apologized for what had happened before we got back together.

He says I made him do something he'll regret. Months before his ex girlfriend (who he has children to) contacted me and told me he used to hit her on regular occasions so I confronted him and he said he did but he was a changed person and he would never hurt me and I believed him up until he did.
Since that night he has got really lazy, won't feed, bath or get up in the night with our little girl and says her crying stresses him out I'm worried it will happen again, I have no friends anymore and aren't allowed to talk to anyone that isn't family. I don't know what to do anymore. He's the love of my life I don't want to leave him but I keep thinking maybe it was a one off and it won't happen again as long as I keep him happy.

Any advice would be appreciated :(

OP posts:

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movpov · 17/07/2016 13:33

You need to leave him. The ex telling you about him hitting her was a huge red flag and it's a fact that guys like this don't change - anyone who has it in him to do what he did to you will not stop at only doing it once. He will tell you it's your fault, you asked for it etc so he doesn't have to admit responsibility or feel guilty. Get rid of him if not for you then for your child's sake so she doesn't have to grow up witnessing this and thinking it's normal . He's not the love of your life - he is controlling and a violent abuser. Please do whatever it takes to get you and your child away from him

Iamdobby63 · 17/07/2016 12:59

I'm sure his ex thought it was a one off until he got away with it and did it again and again.

You must get out, follow the advice on here, if you don't then his violence will escalate and the cycle will continue with your own daughter.

Sending lots of love and hope that you can find the strength and the confidence to leave and never look back.

differentnameforthis · 17/07/2016 11:58

I keep thinking maybe it was a one off and it won't happen again as long as I keep him happy. You CANNOT keep a violent man happy, because they don't hit you because they are unhappy, they hit you because they are VIOLENT bullies.

The chilling thing here is, that he said you deserve it. That there is no remorse.

This will happen again, no matter how much you try to prevent it. IT sounds like am horrendous & sustained attack, and it will only escalate, and escalation beyond choking can only result to one thing...

BolshierAryaStark · 17/07/2016 11:11

You need to leave, you're either going to keep the tradition going that you & you're mum have started by allowing your daughter to see you being treated this way or you're going to leave her without a mum. He strangled you, he will do it again just like he did to his ex-what if next time he doesn't stop?

SkydivingFerret · 17/07/2016 07:12

What on earth could there possibly be to love about this nasty, controlling, would-be murderous cunt?

If you stay with him he'll probably kill you. One squeeze too hard when he had his hands round your throat and your daughter would be without her mum

SharkSkinThing · 17/07/2016 07:08

DeeDee are you OK? We are all here for you.

Can you start to make plans to get him out or leave? I know it's never that simple but things sound bad and will only get worse.

Please let us know how you are.

Rowanhart · 17/07/2016 07:06

If the baby crying stresses him out he is likely to hurt her in a fit of rage.

You must get out. There are people who can help. Which part of the world are you?

MephistoMarley · 16/07/2016 21:40

What are you teaching your daughter then?

CalleighDoodle · 16/07/2016 21:39

www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/vic.htm

CalleighDoodle · 16/07/2016 21:35

Of all the things he did trying to choke you is the one that very clearly should tell you what he is.

JCo24 · 16/07/2016 21:34

He says the baby crying stresses him out, that can very quickly escalate to trying to keep the baby quiet.
Get out, if not for your sake, for your daughter's safety.

SoleBizzz · 16/07/2016 21:33

Unless*

SoleBizzz · 16/07/2016 21:32

You can't love him until you love you. This will happen again LTB

Dolphinsanddinosaurs · 16/07/2016 21:31

Please leave OP. If you could go back in time to when you were a baby, what do you wish your Mum had done? You are there right now with your DD. You will have to be very very strong, but you can do this, for her, and break the cycle, so she can grow up safe, and not watching you be beaten.

trumpybum1 · 16/07/2016 21:30

Leave, leave now. Think of you gorgeous baby. If he attacks you he will attack your baby one day. He already says the crying stresses him out. Please please think of yourself and your child

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 16/07/2016 21:23

Get out. Please. Would you stand for him laying a hand on your daughter? Because you are her mother and the most precious thing in the world to her. Nobody should EVER treat you like that. And unfortunately, if he thinks he can get away with doing it to you, and you stay, then he may well start on your baby one day. There are no limitations on this for people like that.

It is terrifying that the abuse was so vicious so quickly. Seriously, you may not get another chance to make this choice. For your daughter, if nothing else (I know how easy it is to rationalise abuse against yourself), get yourself safe. Please.

PatriciaHolm · 16/07/2016 21:13

He's done it many many times, his ex tried to warn you. It's far from a one off.

alphabook · 16/07/2016 21:10

If you don't break the cycle, then your DD will most likely end up with an abusive man too. How would you feel if this was happening to her in 20 years time?

alphabook · 16/07/2016 21:07

If he's not even sorry then there's no reason he wouldn't do it again, especially since he's done it to previous partners and now knows you'll put up with it. And there's no way of predicting what will set him off next time, if you think you "behaving" will stop him from hitting you. He'll find some excuse.

I second the recommendation that you watch Murdered By My Boyfriend. Choking you and hitting you on the head could easily have killed you. 2 women are killed every week in a domestic violence incident, I doubt those women ever thought it could happen to them.

DeeDee123azAZ09 · 16/07/2016 21:02

Yes I did my dad was abusive to my mum and when she re married her now ex husband he was also abusive. I've grown up around abusive men, what he did doesn't seem too bad compared to the things I've seen happen to my mum :(

OP posts:

horseygeorgie1 · 16/07/2016 20:59

What ever you do, do not let him know you have even posted this. Anything to do with leaving MUST be kept quiet as it could set him off.

horseygeorgie1 · 16/07/2016 20:58

I urge you to listen to the above posters. This WILL HAPPEN again, it is a guarantee. Please lovely, you deserve better than this and your child does too. If SS know about it you risk losing her into care.

BlackeyedSusan · 16/07/2016 20:57

delete your history on yout phone/computer.

leave. either with the help of womens aid or the police.

choking you make you at high risk. told after ex put his hands round my neck and he did not even squeeze. still high risk.

report his previous attack to the police. they can put a marker on your address for quick action if you call again.

SharonfromEON · 16/07/2016 20:33

One thing I can guarantee it will happen again...

Make yourself an escape plan ..Does he work can you get out when he is at work, get your documents, NI number ( his too for CMS) , birth certificates, passports, Do you have somewhere to go phone womens aid.. I would recommend the freedom program however at this minute in time your priority is too get out..Women's aid may be able to help if family can't/

Wolfiefan · 16/07/2016 20:26

Dee Dee. The love of your life should be your child. Your concern should be for your safety and hers.
You need to get safe.
No adult can make another be physically violent to them. Adults can choose to walk away and deal with anger in a different way. You didn't deserve this.
Please get away from him.

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