Should I contact dh's ex to set record straight that I wasn't the OW?

[Fuckoffdailymailyoufuckers]

Name changed yadda yadda.

Will try not to drip feed.... Dh was with his ex for 8 years (no kids). I met him via mutual friends about 8 months before they split. Nothing happened between us, not even flirting. We hadn't even spent a single minute alone together, no emotional affair or anything like that. However he said he fell in love with me, but I knew he was in a long term relationship, so I cut contact. I started seeing someone else and months passed with no contact from him. I thought he was infatuated or maybe just had grass is greener syndrome or something.

Couple of months later, I was single again and he found out and got back in touch. He had broken up with his ex by this point. We became friends and then got together quite quickly four months after they split up.

Fast forward six years and we are married with children. His ex has done a lot of spiteful things to both of us, especially during the first three years we were together. Clearing out their joint account, selling his stuff, that sort of thing. She's also best mates with his sister and it's caused endless family drama with dh's sister taking her "side" and inviting her to family occasions instead of us, that sort of thing.

Here's the issue. I always thought she knew we got together when they had already broken up. But I met her for the first time last week (everyone had always went to great lengths to keep us apart, I thought it was because they thought I hated her for the spiteful stuff, not the other way around). And she hates me because she thinks we had been having an affair. All these years. I can't believe no one set her straight, I can only assume I was a subject avoided, like she was when anyone spoke to me.

When we met, I was so nervous, I fumbled over words and I don't think I got my point across. I was so shocked that she was so angry and hated me. Do you think I should just let sleeping dogs lie, or should I contact her again and tell her we didn't cheat. Will it make a difference to her? I've been cheated on before, it affected every relationship since and also, I'm sick of the evil looks and offhand comments I get from her family members. At least now I know why. They think I am/was an ow.

Sorry this is so long. Genuinely just want to know what the best thing to do is.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

But to her you were the OW. Her DP at the time fell in love in you and had a conversation about it with you. You didn't progress it but them they broke up and there you were. So you might not think so but unwittingly you were the OW in their relationship.

[BertieBeats]

She won't care ,even though she probably knows deep down that you're not to blame. Partner and I met several months after his separation. His ex was living with someone else and he'd signed a year long tenancy agreement for a flat so everyone was "settled" by the time I was on the scene. She knows this as the story changes each time to make me feel like "I took her husband away". One of the stories being they were only going to separate for a few months but I came along. She soon changed that one when I mentioned her boyfriend was living with her at the time and if it wasn't a serious relationship (which I assume it wouldn't be if you're on a trial separation with your spouse) why would she move him in with her children. We've been together 10 years and had 3 children together since then and quite frankly I really couldn't care less as to whether people think I'm a home wrecker. I know I'm not and his family know I'm not.
As for people asking why her husband (?) hasn't put her straight ,in my experience ex wife never mentioned this to my partner as she knew it wasn't true - partner didn't know until I'd found out through people she'd told and I'd spoken to her. Even in the divorce there was no mention of adultery ,just growing apart ,or living apart for a certain number of years. By then partner really didn't feel the need to put her straight as he knew it wasn't true and he knew she knew it wasn't true so what was the point ?

[adora1]

I wouldn't get involved in her drama, the dates are pretty close to the bone so I can get why she thinks of you as the OW, who cares now, it was years ago?

Plus, she won't stop hating you or even believing you, it will actually make you look like you are trying to appease her, I wouldn't bother, hold your head up high and make sure all his family know that you sure were not having an affair with him, surely they know this much already?

It's your OHs problem to deal with her, not you.

[Fuckoffdailymailyoufuckers]

Totally isetan.

[Isetan]

There's a very good chance that you H's behaviour while he was still in a relationship with his Ex is the reason she thinks you were the OW. You may have behaved properly but your H didn't and I'm guessing the only reason you weren't the OW is because you had more integrity than your now H.

Do you really think 'setting the record straight' after six years is really going to change her opinion of you? I think it's time to accept that your H bore some responsibility in you being cast as the OW.

[NeeNahh]

I would leave it to be honest. He told you he was in love with you while he was with you. She is hurt and angry. Don’t compound this by trying to make her see you as a good person too!

[mountaintoclimb]

I would tell her for your own peace of mind. Never mind if she doesn't believe you.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Ask his sister if she knows that you weren't the OW. Then ask why the ex still thinks you were, and ask that for the sake of family harmony she imparts her knowledge to her 'best friend' - if they were genuinely best mates the sister would have told her a long time ago to save all this upset.

Chances are she will still hate you though, that's just the place she's in.

[Fuckoffdailymailyoufuckers]

chic I didn't pick up on him liking me. He told me, and then I cut contact. I didn't know before then.

I really thought someone must have told her I wasn't the OW.

[Fuckoffdailymailyoufuckers]

Joint account was for mortgage purposes which obviously took some months to sort out and I'm certain on time line as his family have mentioned it ("you think he could have waited until after Christmas instead of ruining the holiday")

[ChicRock]

If you picked up on the fact that your DH had a thing for you while he was still in a relationship with her, then you can be pretty certain that she picked up on it too. Then just 4 months after they split you're together.

I can see why she thinks you're the OW, can't you, honestly?

And the joint account thing doesn't really add up if she did it while you two were together. I think perhaps your DH has, erm, got his timeline wrong?

You find it bizarre that no one has set her straight - I find it bizarre that your DH hasn't set anyone straight, but perhaps they're all straight and you're the one with wonky details.

[MonkeysWAGMug]

" You don't owe her anything, there are no children involved -she's just someone your dh dated. "

That's an interesting perspective and very odd to me. The fact they were together for 8 years and had a joint account tells me that she was more than 'just someone' OP's DH dated and that it was indeed a serious relationship. Just because they didn't have children together doesn't mean it was only 'dating'.

OP, as others have said, she's not likely to believe you. As for her clearing out their joint account, that must have been at least 4 months after they split because you said it happened when you two had got together. Why did they still even have an active joint account after all that time? That tells me that Ravensmum's point about being absolutely certain about the timeline here is a good one. If you're going to try to discuss this with her, your DH needs to be absolutely honest with you.
Good luck

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

Her DP met you, and fell in love with you when they were together. 4 months after they break up you and her DP are together.

It's pretty understandable that she sees you as the OW, and I don't think you should try to explain- you are not going to change her mind. Maintain a dignified silence and try to stay out family dramas.

[ravenmum]

If you do choose to tell her, make sure it is definitely true first, and he wasn't being generous about the number of months they had been apart when you got together.

[itstheYbirdstop]

My DH's ex banged on and on about receiving an 'anonymous letter' telling her that her DH was having an affair. She was convinced I sent it as some ploy to snare her husband! I can tell you all here for what it's worth (nothing, but still) that I didn't send any such thing. I think it made her feel better to convince herself that I did and that I somehow trapped him into leaving. He had already left her when she apparently received this letter though which she seems to conveniently forget. I once text her to set her straight but never received acknowledgment or response. It didn't suit her story.

I would try and explain to her perhaps with your DH's sister there to show them both?

[Fuckoffdailymailyoufuckers]

uterus yes they definitely had. She confirmed as much the other night when I met her that the split was a clean break, so to speak. And dh always said as much too.

I guess I just do give a shit what people think of me. Never thought I did before. But I hate to be thought of as the OW. Especially having being cheated on before. I think you're all right though, me telling her I wasn't, won't make any difference. She's not going to go to everyone she slagged me off to and correct anything is she. So it's all water under the bridge.

[Atenco]

What do you have to lose? Sounds like you couldn't make the situation any worse, just probably not worth holding out much hope of convincing her. I see here on mumsnet all the time that a lot of women find it impossible to believe that any man would ever leave his wife unless there was another woman involved.

[ohdearme1958]

I would never allow anyone to think I had been anyone's other woman so n this case I would write a very short note, take a copy of it and send it to her.

After that I'd enter into no discussion with her about it and I'd have made that clear in the letter but I would word it so it's not hostile.

[Cabrinha]

Really frustrating for you when you behaved impeccably cutting contact.
But look, I know this isn't your fault - but he said he loved you when he was still with her.
So even though it's not your fault at all, his ex is right that there was some cheating going on, albeit emotional on his side.
You know he provably had mentionitis about you to her before he split with her?
For that alone, she'll never believe that nothing happened - at the every least she'll think you did something (flirtation) to encourage that.
I know you didn't, but she's spent years believing this and it won't have come from nowhere. Even without mentionitis, he'll have behaved differently before the split, and she'll put that down to you. Which it was - just it was his fault not yours.
Leave well alone.

[SandyY2K]

I'd like to set the record straight with her if it was me. I'd not want anyone to think I was the OW.

If you do it now, explaining that having met her you now know what she thought and wanted to clarify things.

What's the worse that can happen? She won't believe you - well that's no different to how it is now, so you've nothing to loose.

This is just my opinion.

[mimishimmi]

It probably wouldn't make a difference. Also, her husband fell in live with you when he was married (even if that was no doing of yours!) and she'd probably perceive it that way as it's still a betrayal for her. I'd just avoid her if I were you... is she still spiteful now ?

[Justbeingnosey123]

As long as your friends and family know the truth, I think you should leave it people make the own minds up and I doubt you could change hers. You know what happened so does you DP and he should make sure his family does too. If your worried what they think you could ask him to make sure they know the truth but apart from that there's not a lot you can do.

[UterusUterusGhali]

With the greatest of respect, had they deffo split up?

My exh and I were still, ahem, at it for a while after we split, and he was telling me he was coming back etc. I only found out how long he had been seeing ow afterwards. He told me it had finished etc etc.

If that's not the case, I might say something, but I'm not sure how. :/

[fuzzywuzzy]

I would tell her, she can believe what she wants, but I would certainly make the truth known and I'd spread it amongst friends and family how shocked you are nobody set her straight.

Wouldn't hold out much Joel she'd believe you tho. Especially if she's still bitter after six years and you've had DC with your DH.
She doesn't sound rational, if she's still angry after such a long time.

[Somerville]

Also, people tend to believe the worst of human nature. So it may be that various friends or relatives suspected that you were engaged in at least an emotional affair during the time you lived abroad. Hence them not setting her straight.