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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH and Drugs

36 replies

helpmedotherightthingagain · 10/07/2016 07:37

Found out that my DH is smoking Heroin. Again. He says that he is doing it because our relationship is so bad and the only way he will get through it is for me to wholeheartedly show him love and respect and not anger.

The trouble is i'm very angry and I dont feel like calming down and showing him love. I know its difficult for him but. What should I say/do?

OP posts:

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flanjabelle · 10/07/2016 21:19

The thing is, most people don't understand the dilemma the op is facing. It seems so cut and dry doesn't it? They are a drug addict, make them leave. But that person is the person the op married, had children with, thought she would grow old with. It's not fucking easy to switch it all off and do the right thing. I know that because I had to do it. It was so difficult in fact, that I called my hv and told her exactly what was going on so that I couldn't go back on my decision to cut him out of our lives. Dd is my whole world and I knew that if I didn't cut him out, she would be in danger and she might be taken away from me.

It wasn't fucking easy. The person under the drugs is someone you love, and the shift doesn't happen immediately. There is a whole myriad of emotions to go through first. A huge part of it is denial.

Op, you need to do the right thing. It's so unbelievably hard, but you need to be brave right now and make the right choices for your children. You need to put aside the fear of being alone, the guilt at what he might do (no matter what happens he makes his own choices, this is not your fault), the feeling of taking your children's father away, the uncertainty you are facing now and do the right thing. Your children are relying on you to protect them, this is your job.

Whocansay · 10/07/2016 21:08

What do you do? Really?!! You throw him out! Why are you letting a heroin addict anywhere near your children?

horseygeorgie1 · 10/07/2016 21:00

flanjabelle I like that very much.

He is a heroin addict. Imagine how awful it would be if one of your children ended up living with a heroin addict. This is bad.

BIWI · 10/07/2016 20:58

I'm sorry, but how can you even ask this question? You need to get him out of your and your children's lives pdq.

iamanidiotandsoru · 10/07/2016 20:56

Please watch Ëverything you think you know about addiction is wrong" TED talk before making a decision.

flanjabelle · 10/07/2016 20:56

Having been in your shoes. I chose to leave. I cut him out of mine and our daughters life until he pulled himself together. I saw this yesterday on pinterest and it reminded me of how I felt in that time. Get out before you drown.

DH and Drugs

VoldysGoneMouldy · 10/07/2016 20:49

Leave him now. Protect yourself and your children.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 10/07/2016 20:36

Using heroin. Again?

Please, please pay attention to what other posters are telling you. You are standing on the very brink of a precipice. If you don't take action quite soon you could be in danger of losing your children. It's almost inevitable that you'll lose him eventually but that will be his doing and not yours.

"Show him love and respect"? Show him some bloody backbone instead! Being with a partner who does heroin is not acceptable. Being with a partner who does heroin when you have children together is beyond the Pale.

He's got to go.

BeckyMcDonald · 10/07/2016 20:24

Jesus Christ OP. Aside from all of the other obvious issues, you can't have a heroin user in the house with kids FFS. Get the hell out of there.

Atenco · 10/07/2016 20:16

Has he started stealing yet?

Doinmummy · 10/07/2016 20:09

Tell him to leave immediately. This will not end well for you or your children if he stays.

He's an addict and is following the well worn path of blaming everyone but himself.

You can't cure him . You can't help him.

Tell his family, tell your family, you will need RL support.

You can do this.

SandyY2K · 10/07/2016 20:01

He's not only failing to take responsibility, but is actually blaming you.

Drugs are a dealbreaker for me. I'd be out of there are going for full custody due to his drug taking.

summerainbow · 10/07/2016 20:00

Leave and go the Dr tell him that you and need help because you have living a heroin addict. You need to document this .

Atenco · 10/07/2016 18:58

One of the classic problems with addicts is that they don't accept responsability for their own actions. I wouldn't have children around a heroin addict, OP and I say that as someone who has had several dear friends fall foul of that drug.

Highway61 · 10/07/2016 18:52

You can't help him if he doesn't want helps to get free of an addiction he has to be desperate to get off it. The best thing for him would be rock bottom.

apple1992 · 10/07/2016 10:18

It's not fair on your children to be subjected to that. He needs professional help, I think you need to make it clear that your children can't be around this but (if you wanting to help him?) you want him to stop. I'd book a docs appt and pressure him to go. Might end up with an ultimatum. It's not as easy as just stopping taking heroin, it ruins lives.

junebirthdaygirl · 10/07/2016 10:10

And remember you are not responsible for what happens when you leave our turf him out. That is blackmail so just lm sure you can look after yourself. I know that threat is frightening but you cannot live under it. This is nothing to do with you. This is all him. He is an addict and needs help but not from you. Your job is to look after yourself and your little ones.

RochelleGoyle · 10/07/2016 09:28

OP, from the limited information available, he seems controlling and manipulative; possibly as a result of his addiction, possibly not. Please put yourself and your children first.

annielouisa · 10/07/2016 08:30

This man is an addict and he will destroy you and probably cause you to lose your DC, leave and leave now. Put yourself and the DC first. He must take ownership of his own recovery it is not for you to love him more. He needs to work with the local drug services.

reader77 · 10/07/2016 08:30

And what hells said.

reader77 · 10/07/2016 08:27

It's not your fault and leaving (even temporarily) is the best/only way to show him and yourself love. If he's currently using, the drugs will always win.

I can't say enough: it is not your fault.

Steamgirl · 10/07/2016 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/07/2016 08:18

As the 3 C's go
YOU didn't cause this
YOU can't control it
YOU can't cure it.
It's all down to him.
Get away.
Don't inflict a heroin addict onto your kids.

sooperdooper · 10/07/2016 08:16

OP you say you have children, is he their father? You need to put them first

PrincessIrene · 10/07/2016 08:14

I don't understand, what is your query? Surely there is no question here - you have children, he is a heroin addict. Pretty clear cut.

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