NC ex-mil asking to see children

[adorably2014]

I’m really not sure what to do. My ex-mil has now emailed me for the second time in less than a week asking to see the children. I ignored the first email (well I'd hardly had time to process it I got a second one) and I have a feeling it won't just go away.

I had a thread a while back. My exh who was abusive and controlling left the country during the divorce and doesn’t see the children. Last time was Christmas. His family live here, not far. When it all kicked off all those months ago I was keen to keep in touch with his mother at least for the kids’ sake. We'd always had quite a good relationship. I had it quite separated in my head that what exh did was nothing to do with his family. It started ok then deteriorated quickly as exh didn't like it. A few months into divorce, allegations that I neglected the children were made, and I was also asked formally/threatened to stop contacting (ex)mil. Everything stopped. The children last saw ex-MIL around Christmas. She doesn't contact the DCs. Literally dropped off their radar. One of the DC’s birthday has also gone unacknowledged. I have had to deal with the fallout of all this with the children who obviously didn’t take it well. I’m quite shocked still that they could do this but the kids and I have regained stability. To an extent the NC enabled me to recover more quickly.

I'm fearful of ex-mil's intentions. I don't trust her. Her second email is possibly less friendly than the first, she mentions her rights, she says she wants to talk and asks me to give her a ring. I feel sorry things ended this way but something tells me it isn't right, and the timing as well. The kids had a really hard time coming to terms with the situation. And the way exh's family behaved made my anxiety a lot worse.

Any advice? Can she force contact? Her son made no provision for anything involving her. It's up to him to ask, isn't it? Should I tell her to talk to exh and not me? Should I play dead? I don't know what's the best thing to do or if it is salvageable. I just feel complete dread and panic at the thought of having to deal with them again. Exh still emails me on a regular basis but I never respond, and he only talks about himself never mentions his family.

[Atenco]

I usually defend the relationship between grandparents and children, but I think in this case, you are better to continue without contact. After everything that happened I would have expected at least one of her letters to have been a grovelling apology if her motivations were good.

[laurenwiltxx]

Just do things above board and through courts its alot easier than having to make arrangements and decisions yourself

[RudeElf]

Yes it was a hellish time quite frankly. I cried buckets the first time i had to hand him over. Thankfully as DS was so young he adapted very well and doesnt remember any of it. He doesnt know a time that he never went if that makes sense. A lot of water has gone under the bridge now and relations are a LOT better. ExMIL and I are on very friendly terms and i have no worries about DC being there. If you had told me this would be possible 10 years ago I would never have believed you.

I agree with seeing a solicitor and seeing how the land lies. Thats your best option. At least you'll know what her chances are. I have been told by a few solicitors since that i was really unlucky to get that judgement. Who knows? Maybe i was, maybe judge had an agenda. Every situation is different.

[adorably2014]

Thank you all for your kind responses .
RudeElf F hell, must have been dreadful. So sorry you had to go through that. Thanks for explaining. I hope your DC has coped with the situation. I get that if an ex is absent his family should have access but there are circumstances when it's just plain wrong. As I said I'm still dealing with the consequences of their actions last year, the feeling of rejection has been massive for dc1 in particular, on top of all the rest.

I do think ex-mil was influenced by exh to stop contact. He explained away police involvement and orders with me being totally unhinged, and off it all started. Now, he's not around, has already moved on seemingly. Perhaps now she's realised I'm not as unhinged as he claims. That's what I'd like to tell myself. She could well be lonely too. But in a way it's no longer my problem. I feel bad because I respected her but really the stuff last year was so unbelievably bad I can't risk it. I've spent a lot of time going over everything these past few days and it's really not good for me either.
And there's the house thing. I know how much exh resents the fact he couldn't control everything about the move. He hates that I'm like a silent wall too. With what happened last year I now see ex-mil in a different light, as having only her son's interests at heart. She can't have thought about the children that much.

I won't respond myself. I think I need legal advice, I'll mention it to solicitor but I really can't afford more solicitor fees right now, and KickAss yes I'd prefer to be in my own space to deal with this actually. Sask I really had never looked at things this way- maybe. I had it that exh didn't want me to continue seeing his mother in case I told her something. I got on well with her I thought. He knows I liked her a lot more than my own mother.

[saskdilemma]

Hey OP, the fact that your DH has formally requested that she has no contact with your dc is all you need. If her own son has (through a solicitor) asked not for her to be in contact then you have nothing to worry about.

Perhaps your exp blames his mother for the way he turned out? Some men do behave that way and perhaps his failure may be attributed to his mother. Better to keep your own children from the poisoned chalice in my opinion.

[Inertia]

I agree with previous posters - get your solicitor to respond with a letter saying that you are abiding by the letter from Xx on date Yy which instructs you not to contact Mil.

[KickAssAngel]

How soon til you move house? Why don't you move, settle in, then think about what is best for you and your kids? It is very damaging for kids to have people coming in and out of their lives instead of consistency. It also seems like she's trying to keep tabs on you.

How are you moving? If you're using anyone to help, you should tell them not to chat to any passers by and tell them where you're going.

I don't know the law for sure, but I thought that grandparents who have a significant role in the children's lives could apply to court so that the children son't suddenly get cut off from someone close to them. Not because grandparents have any automatic rights.

[RudeElf]

I know every case is different but would you mind saying how long out of contact your ExMil was

She had contact through her son (baby's father) every other weekend for 4 hours at her house from when baby was 5 months old. It was the father's contact but he lived with her so it happened at her house.
When baby was 9 months old contact was stopped by me due to threats of violence made against members of my family by EXSIL who lived with EXMIL. No contact at all from her or any of her family including baby's father for 7 months when i received a court summons. She and her DH had applied for contact. Baby's father was absent at this point (left the country) and judge said that because of this it was important baby enjoyed contact with EXILs to maintain a link with paternal family in his father's absence. Contact was granted initially two hours every week supervised by me in a mutual venue. Then two hours unsupervised, then 4 hours unsupervised in their home.

[DeathStare]

I agree with your gut. Ignore but don't block. Also keep a diary detailing when she contacts you (or tries to) and keep copies of everything (eg. The emails, the stuff she put through your door, screen shots of any texts)

[adorably2014]

I'm worried about the damage it could do to the children. Her waltzing back in like this when we've been trying to deal with him and his family totally withdrawing. And also her intentions towards me. I don't necessarily think letting it go to court is the answer though. I'd prefer exh to sort it out with her but the likelihood of that is not is pretty low, especially if I ask.
RudeElf I know every case is different but would you mind saying how long out of contact your ExMil was? Here it's been two visits in a year. Nothing since Xmas, and no communication, perhaps it doesn't count as no contact. Had she lost contact of her own accord. Did she actually go to court?
That's the thing that gets me, she went no contact. Perhaps at exh's request, but it happened nonetheless. I never stopped her. If it was straightforward I wouldn't hesitate but here ...

[hippydippybaloney]

I would ignore. She will likely escalate given the handwritten note and copy emails - give her enough rope to hand herself.

[RudeElf]

Can she force contact?

If she had regular contact with the DC before the lack of contact then yes a court may award her contact particularly as their father is absent. (i have personal experience of this)

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

I remember your freds! I agree with keeping on with the NC.

Hope you're doing well.

[ProphetOfDoom]

Trust your gut and ignore. You've had a solicitors letter instructing you not to make contact with her - so don't. It will be up to your exH to facilitate contact when he sees the children.

[Sausagedog21]

Yes agree ex-MIL is bonkers.
She can do access through her own son, not your problem.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Trust your gut, adorably. Even if you can not articulate exactly the dynamic that she is pursuing here, your established boundaries are valid.

ever so friendly mostly and like nothing ever happened
Your gut knows fakey fakey when it sees it. I agree with the policy that she be required to go through her son to see the gc, not you. If he won't play ball, then she is sol. Keep a journal of communications from her for your harassment claim. Good luck

[adorably2014]

Thanks again. I think I've got my answer. Sort of. Came home to an envelope last night, 'by hand' with copies of the emails and a long note from her. So she actually came to the house presumably. I've talked it through with a couple of people. I won't respond, and I'll mention it to the solicitor. It's bonkers.

And no, I don't think it's an olive branch really. The way she's put her emails in an envelope and says she presumes I'm too busy with the move to respond. It's ever so friendly mostly and like nothing ever happened, and at the same time slightly threatening. I can't put my finger on it. I really can't afford solicitors to deal with more stuff at the moment.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"Yes, the 'rights' comment is noteworthy, but could she be trying to offer an olive branch"

No this is not an olive branch. This actions stems from wanting to have power and control.

OP you do not trust your ex MIL and rightly so. The rotten apple that is your ex did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his own family of origin.

[TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore]

I wouldn't necessarily advocate blocking all contact, unless you feel that that is what you really want to do.

Yes, the 'rights' comment is noteworthy, but could she be trying to offer an olive branch? During, and in the aftermath of, a divorce, lots of things get said by people on both sides; emotions are running high and there is a lot of fear and hurt. People are trying to make sense of a situation and don't always get it right. If she had always been good up until that point, I wouldn't automatically dismiss her.

My feeling, in this situation, is that she has to rebuild her relationship with you before she has any contact with the children, for all the reasons you state.

FWIW, my son has never had any contact with his paternal family (their choice). When he was 5 or 6, his father's sister contacted me asking me to take him to meet the family. I said that, as they'd never met and I hadn't seen them since before he was born, I would want to meet with them first, just to make sure there was no awkwardness between the adults in front of him.

It was completely out of the blue and I wasn't against it, but I had to make sure it was in the best interests of my son. I never heard from them again.

I would suggest she meets with you first so that you can reconnect, and make a decision following that.

[LellyMcKelly]

I would respond, using takingthep's words. If she's generally a good person, who loves her grandchildren, she must be heartbroken.

[mummytime]

You were told in a solicitors letter not to contact her - so don't contact her.

Its normal for grandparents to have contact when the grandchildren are with the parent who is their offspring; so ex-MIL to have contact when the DC are with their father - its not your fault that doesn't happen.

She's only likely to get contact (in England and Wales) if she had significant contact with them before: this means stayed with them for extensive periods etc. And I'd think any extended period of no contact with them, and forgetting important dates such as birthdays would weaken any such case. So do keep a record of when she hasn't contacted (eg. no present or card for John, or no contact at Christmas).

[DontMindMe1]

don't get sucked back into their power games, OP.

You're free. Finally. And stronger.

Get it logged with your solicitor and/or police. She's harassing you. If you contact her in any way she will get her hooks in.

you're under no legal or moral obligation to take her 'feelings' into consideration. She's already tried taking your kids off you, you most definitely can't trust her in any way.

[BlackeyedSusan]

as they sent a solicitors letter asking you do not contact them, use that as your reason not to contact them.

[VimFuego101]

I would just reply using the suggestion above, why on earth would she contact you knowing you were told to back off by a solicitors letter?

[Floralnomad]

If you do feel the need to respond I would go back to your solicitor and get them to send her a letter to the effect of you were asked not to contact her and that is the arrangement which you wish to maintain so any future contact needs to be via the solicitor .