Tomorrow we tell the DCs that we're separating

[splittingup]

We've waited until exams finished but tomorrow we're telling them we're splitting up after nearly 20 years of marriage. It's my decision as I can't contemplate feeling this unhappy for the rest of my life.

I'm willing to be the 'baddie' in the situation (although I have worked SO hard to keep the family together as they grew up) but I'm still scared they'll reject me.

They all have very different personalities so we've agreed to tell them separately as I don't want the one with the most dominant personality to set the tone for how the others should react.

They're two older teenagers and a 'tween'.

I'd appreciate any advice to make it as painless as possible for them.

[Hotwaterbottle1]

Hi split, just wondering how things are now?

[antiqueroadhoe]

Sounds like you've done a really good job of a really hard situation. Good for you.

I remember a set of parents I dealt with at work (I'm a teacher) who had separated, came in together and I remember the dad saying in front of his son "well Mrs Antique, our marriage didn't work out but I love her for being a mum to my sons" and I remember thinking what a lovely thing to say. Matter-of-fact, kind and supportive.

[splittingup]

Thanks so much for your posts. It really helps that you are there as I have only told one RL friend.

Life is going on as normal so they all seem ok. He can't move out for a month so we're in limbo. I don't think it'll hit them until he moves out.

I had to reassure DC2 who is embarrassing materialistic (but luckily has a well paid weekend job!) that his lifestyle wouldn't change!

Four weeks until school breaks up and then one week until he moves out. The countdown is on - I don't think I'll know how they are until then.

[Hotwaterbottle1]

How are things today op?

[user1466803045]

Hello,

Have been following your thread and just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking of you today.

I'm sure you were feeling nervous but what a big step taken .

I admire your courage . I still have this to come with my children who I know are going to be on the floor when I tell them

[LellyMcKelly]

I did this last month after waiting for nearly two years. They were initially shocked and there were a few tears, but I get on well with my ex and we still live in the same house. We stressed that we would still do family things together, and they wouldn't be moving house or school, and that they would still do the same clubs. Once they realised that it wouldn't have a massive impact on their lives they were fine. I introduced them to the man I've been seeing for a year now, and they loved him, and they can see I'm happy. I wish I had told them about the separation sooner. I worried about it for so long, but in the end they were so accepting it was almost an anti climax.

[kennypppppppp]

it's such a tough thing to do. really good luck for it. i don't think it's a case of who's good or who's bad. it's just the situation of their parents splitting up.

i often say to my kids that i know that what they're going through is extremely difficult, that i'm extremely sorry that they're going through it and there's really nothing that i can do to make it better, but that i love them enormously and will continue to irritate and embarrass them in equal measures.

i have no idea what their father has said to them about it, but it's extremely tough and lots of good luck. give it some time for the dust to settle. so so tough. (when my parents split up my brother said it was all my fault, which was vile to hear)

[Savagebeauty]

My DC's asked me if we were divorcing before we told them......we didn't tell ty hem immediately as they were six months before A levels and GCSEs.
But everything was fine, and 18 months down the line it's bloody amazing. I've never been happier. They are fine.
I never slag him off ( well not to them!) And they love our little rented happy house

[mineofuselessinformation]

Life, have you ever been in that situation?
OP, KOKO.

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

Suspect that no tears is common. They'll all have been done, I'm sure.

Sounds like you've pitched it perfectly. Well done.

[splittingup]

It was a bit of an out of body experience. I felt it wasn't really happening. Nobody has mentioned it since - we've just sat and watched Glastonbury! I don't know if it just hasn't hit them yet. I'm sure when their dad moves out it'll seem real (to us all).

This day has been on my mind for weeks while we waited for exams to end so my major emotion is relief. No tears. A feeling of guilt perhaps but not tears.

[Hotwaterbottle1]

Are they still ok? How do you feel? Relieved? Im scared I will cry.

[splittingup]

Have just told the middle one who appeared the most shocked and said he "didn't get it".

We told them separately as the eldest has a very dominant personality and I didn't want the others to feel they had to follow their lead. I think it was the right thing to do as they were free to express their own feelings.

We told them it wasn't a quick decision and we had worked to save the marriage but were still unhappy.

[Hotwaterbottle1]

Life, not the most helpful comment. Should people be unhappy then and stay because of the children? Surely for the children's sake a united front is best.

[lifeisunjust]

There certainly is a baddie in some situations.

I'd leave it to the parent who has decided to call it a day because it is wholly unreasonable if the other person does not agree to tell the children.

[Hotwaterbottle1]

Im glad it went well for you. Thanks to the other ladies for the advice.

[IDoAllMyOwnStunts]

I would say don't tell them how long you've been unhappy and that you've been waiting for the children to grow older before splitting (if you have). My mum told me that her and dad were splitting when I was 16, and she'd been unhappy for years and was waiting for me to do exams. I felt and still feel very guilty that she was unhappy all that time. I wish she'd never mentioned it tbh.

[loveyoutothemoon]

Well done to you! It's tough, I've been there, but they'll be fine eventually.

Is there a reason why you didn't wait and tell them together?

[splittingup]

Well we've told the oldest and the youngest. We emphasised that we'd worked at it but the marriage still wasn't right, we'd probably be better parents if we weren't together as there'd be no conflict and that we would both always be there for them.

Oldest looked in a state of shock and asked why now rather than five years ago ( when things were horrendous). I'd always said to stbxh that it was my biggest regret that I didn't go then as then I wouldn't have to justify my decision as it was so obvious.

DC1 then said they understood and why should we be unhappy to stay together for them.

He worried about the financial situation as we said this would always be his home. He knows I can't afford it on my salary so we reassured him that it would be fine.

I'm a bit shocked as he said he might live with his dad. I can see his point as his dad's apartment is in the town where his friends live but I thought he'd stay a few times each week - not full time.

Youngest didn't say much. Just said "okay'. I emphasised he could talk to us at anytime or his siblings.

Just about to collect middle one from work and then we can tell them.

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

watching, waiting to do the same

[FurryLittleTwerp]

I'm in a similar situation, except DS 18 knows & DH doesn't! I think he suspects though - he has to - he knows & makes no effort to change the things he knows upset me & that I find unacceptable - we have had many many discussions going back over several years. He occasionally mutters about knowing I'll leave him when DS leaves home, but I think when I tell him "this is it" he'll be horrified.

[splittingup]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I'm sorry some of you are going through the same thing. He wants to stay together and thinks because things are slightly better everything is ok. It isn't. I feel suffocated.

He is moving out and I am hoping to stay in the house in the short/medium term to provide some stability for DCs.

It's been horrendous waiting for the exams to finish. We've swung from hate (from him) to normality. It's made me doubt my decision a few times, but then something happens to confirm I've done the right thing.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Waiting until after their exams must have been extremely difficult for you. I recall people on here saying that it helps if you reassure them they can talk to you any time and give an idea where they're going to live and what access they'll have to each parent. And if you know someone who they trust to talk to, give them the okay to let it out to a third party.

A good friend whose parents divorced when she was at primary school (so younger than your DCs) said she wished she could have told them both:

1. "Don't put me in a situation where I feel I have to pick sides"
   
2. "It's not necessary to go into huge detail - it is okay to say there were adult/private issues you couldn't agree on, though you tried your best to sort them out".

[Hotwaterbottle1]

No, he says he still loves me and wants to try but we have had this conversation multiple times going back around 4 years and I know nothing will ever change.