Met my life partner when we were in our late 40s. We are both quiet, nerdy, geek types. He was so shy that he had never had a girlfriend. We quickly slipped into a deeply committed but unexciting, comfy, affectionate relationship. He lived an hour's drive away and, because of his employment, slept at his little flat above the office Mon-Thurs, and at my house Friday til Sunday. We also spent every moment of his annual leave, Xmas, Easter, Bank Hols together. He was going to retire at 62, earlier if his dad died (inheritance), we planned to sell both our homes and buy a place together.
Everything was sweet as pie for 10 years. Only a few more years to retirement. Suddenly, he was unfairly dismissed. A colleague offered to help him build his legal case by being his "spy" (peeking at the boss's files, eavesdropping his phone calls to his solicitor, finding out what his defence was going to be, and reporting back).
Most evenings after work she popped in with a "spy" report. One evening he invited her to stay for a bite to eat. Next evening she turned up with pizza to return the favour. They'd chat about anything and everything.
One day he let slip that she had asked about our relationship.... and found fault with me. I was miffed at another woman picking my relationship to pieces and critiquing it. I told him not to discuss it with her and he said I was being "too sensitive".
Nearly every time he spent an evening at his flat, she'd drop in, they'd discuss his legal case and share a meal. She started bringing wine and, as he never drank, he got tipsy really quickly. Alarm bells went off in my head, but I shut them up: they had worked together for years before he met me. If she was interested, she'd have made her move back then, when he was single.
Once I (half) jokingly remarked that she was making a play for him. He laughed like a drain: no way would she, a mid-30s, attractive, nubile young woman, be interested in a late-fifties, weedy, nerdy, bespectacled, Hush-Puppy-wearing (and now unemployed!) old codger. They had nothing in common other than work; she was young enough to be his daughter.
As well as the shared meals and long chats she took him to see her DD perform in a play and they went to the cinema. It felt like my fella was "dating" another woman. I "ought" to do something to stop it, but I did not know what. Besides, by what right could I have "banned" him from seeing her, anyway? I have opposite-sex friends, why shouldn't he? And I wanted her to help him: if he won, he'd get compensation and we could buy a place together even sooner than we planned.
Her name was constantly on his lips. She didn't think it was right that I "made him" do DIY when he had no financial stake in my house. And I "ought" to buy groceries before he arrived here, not "make him" take me in his car. She also didn't think I "made the most of" myself (I am the jeans-wearing, fresh-faced type) and ought to make "more effort" when he visited and wear make-up.
One evening I rang him and she answered! Her boiler had broken down and she was kipping on his sofa. I tossed and turned all night, and rang next morning just to see if I could "tell" from the tone of his voice whether anything had "happened" between them.
I'd forgotten that years ago she'd added me as a "friend" on Facebook, so I was surprised when he rang me, very upset, saying that I had "announced on Facebook" that I had dumped him, without having the decency to inform him first. I told him that I had no idea what he was on about, but he hung up and blanked my calls. This was the first contretemps we'd ever had, in ten years! And caused by her! I was distraught. I decided to go by train to his town next morning and sort things out.
Arriving outside his flat he told me via the intercom to "go away", it was over. I burst into tears, walked to a nearby cafe and rang and rang. He would not answer. I went home, devastated.
He emailed asking when he could collect his belongings. Once he was here, we sorted it out. She had searched for my marital status on FB, which is "single". (I never post anything personal). Jennie claimed that it used to say "in a relationship" and I had lately changed it, thereby "announcing to the world" that I'd dumped him! I told him that wasn't true, it had always been set at single, since before I met him. He looked sheepish, but said that he was "with her" now and he didn't see how he could backpedal.
He said he was happy with me until she had pointed out things about our relationship. These things never bothered him till she criticised them, I said. He agreed that this was true, but what man would turn down a woman like her, attractive, sexy, younger etc. He simply could not help himself; he preferred being with her.
Since then I have been beating myself up, trying to pinpoint the moment when I should have "put my foot down" and "ordered" him to cease meeting her. But then arguing with myself that nobody has the "right" to stop another person from being with whoever he wants. Do we "own" our boyfriends and have the right to stop them leaving? Did I do anything wrong? Was there nothing I could do?
I'm curious to hear what other Mnetters would have done, and at what point, if they were me in that circumstance.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
What would you have done?
Curviest · 19/06/2016 16:11
At the end of the day, you can't keep someone who doesn't want to be kept. And why would you want to? I'm certain you can (and if you want to, will) do so much better.
You did nothing wrong. You sound lovely. He is just a knob, for stringing you along for so long, while seeing this other lady. If you can, just try to be grateful that you got out while you could, before you bought a place together, or other such binding, hard-to-get-out-of stuff.
Or
for you!
I'd take up kick boxing iiwy. Gotta get that rage out somewhere 
Bastard!
Fucking hell. You were together for ten years and he just took someone's word for it that you'd dumped him via Facebook?!
for you. They have both behaved terribly.
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She nicked him right from under your nose!
No we don't own anyone but we can set boundaries in relationships ; what is and isn't acceptable to us. The moment your alarm bells went off was the moment to shout HALT! This is making me uncomfortable! And hold by it. Don't budge.
I'm so sorry. What a truly horrible and nasty situation
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