Am 47. Have 3 dc who are 10, 12 and 14 and a husband who is 12 years older than me. The only physical affection I get (and am able to share) is from my 10 year old.
H does not touch me EVER on a day to day basis yet is very cuddly with dd2 (10) and always trying to cuddle dd1 (12) as well as telling her she is gorgeous and cute (which she is but it is strange being a witness to all of this but being outside it, and thinking that once upon a time he used to feel like that about me 
).
Sex happens only if I initiate it and with very large gaps in between as H is not interested.
I am about a stone overweight (aiming to lose that over the coming 7 weeks if possible) and feel boring, sensible and invisible.
The possibility of flirting with anyone or anyone finding me attractive again seem to have gone out of the window .
Is this what the middle years are like ? A slog with no romance or even being particularly liked to liven them up?
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Is this what life from the mid forties onwards is like?
crossroads3 · 09/06/2016 06:55
Yes he is not bothered.
He has never had a high libido but definitely used to fancy me more.
Yes dd1 who is 12 is retreating and does often not want cuddles (though she still does occasionally). He will try to cuddle her as he goes past often and she invariably tells him to get off and stop being weird. She also often does not want cuddles from me as well so I agree that at her age she is trying to forge her own identity and become independent.
When I have spoken to H about his being affectionate with the dc but not with me, he has always said that they are kids and he can't understand why I want the same kind of attention. I think he thinks that at a certain stage as an adult you are past that and are mature etc... I think he saw his mother not get much adult affection so this is his normal. So once his own sexual feelings for me have dropped off the agenda there is nothing left for me . But yes I have told him that I need / would like some affection and he obviously does not feel he needs to take that on board. Or maybe he is in such a bad place himself that he does not know how to. And yes I try to be affectionate with him but it is difficult to do that with someone who rarely responds.
I said she is not old - she must be between 50 and 55 and he joked that he "wouldn't fancy that"
and
H does not touch me EVER on a day to day basis yet is very cuddly with dd2 (10) and always trying to cuddle dd1 (12) as well as telling her she is gorgeous and cute (which she is but it is strange being a witness to all of this but being outside it, and thinking that once upon a time he used to feel like that about me sad).
These two things jumped out at me. The first one was not a joke- "joking" is a hall pass to insult you. He knows exactly how old you are and exactly what he was saying and implying. You tried to get some clarification, perhaps an apology, and he weaseled his way around it.
Second one: he is using your daughters to get at you 
- again pointing to the beauty/age specification. They are probably proud to have dad's endorsement (glad your 12 yo is telling him to shove off!), but I think if they ever realize that they were a tool for him to dig at you- it will be a gigantic betrayal of his sincerity. They may not be able to trust a compliment from a guy again. (Cynical moi: perhaps this might not be a bad thing but it is a very hard lesson, especially if it came from father/daughter dynamic.)
A teaching moment. Perhaps you could debrief your daughters and give them some pointers on telling a guy to respect their personal space...starting with dear old dad. Yes, I agree with pps that this would concern me from the daughters' perspective regardless of the dig at me. At this point, I wouldn't trust the personal boundaries to develop naturally. Be proactive and instruct them and yes, it applies to family members, doctors, boyfriends. Say what is acceptable and what isn't...and to trust their gut.
Imho, he sees you as being past your "use by date". This apparently is not a two way street in his mind. I don't think he sees women as actual people.
If you were 25 and he 37 and showed you no affection, would you stay? Why is it different now? Age is a red herring here.
Good point from Bacon regarding the possibility of an undiagnosed medical condition. My bil dropped dead from untreated diabetes at 53.
So important that everyone within a family feels loved and cared for by the others, and that this love and respect is appropriately expressed within a healthy family dynamic.
Not always easy to get to that place though I realise, but good to know what you're aiming for?
Yes I agree with this.
But the thought of the next 30-40 years like this just depresses me. I think I've cried myself to sleep more often than not recently. So no advice, but you're not alone...
I am sorry you feel like this 30DayDead. I can relate to the feeling of hopelessness and I know that a lot of people are in similar situations - living almost or completely platonically alongside each other. H and I have also slept with each other 3 or 4 times this year 
. Putting it like that makes me realise what a state of nothingness our relationship is in.
Yes there is some disrespect. Mainly if H feels backed into a corner or criticised. So this essentially means that we don't talk about anything of any importance or about "us".
He has plantar fasciitis which makes it painful to walk and which he finds quite debilitating / knackering.
If you were 25 and he 37 and showed you no affection, would you stay? I really hope that I wouldn't.
thymeout all of your post rings/is true.
Regarding the mismatched libido, is he less affectionate in a casual way than before?
In the beginning he was affectionate in a casual way but he hasn't been for a long time now. I minded then but at least there was more sex (even though there hasn't been that much of that for many years either but now it has reached epic proportions of nothingness) but the lack of sex and affection together are what makes me feel basically asexual.
Do you think, like many women who post on here, he's inhibited from random displays of affection in case you think it's an invitation to take it further?
Yes maybe. He once said that he doesn't need any cuddles etc. .. Yet he is always asking the kids for cuddles so that can't be exactly true ?
I guess as an adult I am in a different category. We have also been through several marital crises and I guess there is mutual mistrust!
Gosh what a barrel of laughs 
!!
Thanks for all your messages 
.
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I'm 45 and 2.5 stone overweight (working on that) and my DH treats me as if I was the 20 something babe he first met. I still fancy him too.
Sometimes we're tired due to work or running about after the kids, but that doesn't change our feelings for one another.
Good luck op, you need it. 
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