It's like the fog has lifted.

[Onetoetree]

My husband is emotionally/verbally abusive and try's to control me, the thing is l have let him. I need help to form an exit plan.

We have been married nearly 9 years have a 4yo and a 6 month old. We are not happy because he won't let us be, he brings negativity and anger home with him and we are walking on egg shells.

I don't know what happened but l looked in the mirror last week and l didn't recognise myself l have put on so much weight and have stopped taking care of myself. I was sitting on my bed crying because he had just been screaming in my face that "it was me that wanted children and why we had s second one he doesn't know because l can't cope,l'm a shit mother, he never wanted our daughter" l had 3 miscarriages between my son and my daughter, so to me it's the worst thing he could of said. I say screaming and l mean it there was spit and everything. This isn't a one off occasion either. I was sitting there crying because of the words he had said to me and l felt like l had an out of body experience and a talk with the old me a stronger version of me. It made me stop crying. I actually came on to post but l have bottled out of it 4 times, God knows if l will post this. The thing that started him off was l asked him if he wouldn't mind taking the full washing basket up stairs "didn't l realise he had been to work he shouldn't have to come home and do this".

I have to leave for the sake of my children l grew up in a home were there was violence and emotional/verbal and threatening abuse and l am not going to give my children a life time of memories l have. I have maybe £2000 in savings our house is mortgaged and he has money in a separate account about £50,000 from savings and redundancy. I was made redundant but l have spent it all on the children because he doesn't give me anything for them unless l ask, well feels like begging.

I am so annoyed that l have been taken in by him, before we married l had my own home and money, now l'm scared l will never have my own home again. I have a well paid job and wasn't going to go back till November but l think l need to go back asap to get some money behind me to get away.

Tonight my ds asked if we could go out before daddy came home, what have l done to my poor little boy.

How do l get out of this?

What do l need?
I have been looking at home to rent not far from ds's school.

What will happen with the house?

I can't afford to pay half a mortgage, rent and childcare fee's.

In January l started for some bizarre reason saving all the abusive message he wasted texting me from another room, my sister knows about what is going on but told me to take it easy on him because his mums in a care home, l should of known after our childhood she would of had this reaction, even after she heard him screaming at me. I also have recordings of him having one of his tantrums too,

I'm so sorry this is long, l'm feeding my little one and she is worth so much more than putting up with this from him.

I think l will phone women's aid in the morning or is that just for violence?

I think I need help forming my action plan to escape. I am being brave, l am going to press create this time.

[NameChange30]

You sound really strong, OP, good for you.

You have evidence of the abuse and that puts you in a strong position. Please report the abuse to the police and show them the evidence. If you do this you will be entitled to legal aid. Reporting will also help your case if you want to limit his access to your son in future.

Make sure the solicitor you use has experience in domestic abuse. Women's Aid might be able to make some recommendations. You could also call the free Rights of Women family law helpline - they can signpost you to suitable solicitors and other organisations.

You've already looked into the benefits you'd be entitled to, so you might not need further advice on that, but if you do Citizens Advice are usually very helpful.

Don't forget that your STBXH will have to pay you child maintenance as well.

[loobyloo1234]

Sending you best wishes OP and Rory - you will be so much happier when you get out of these relationships. I hope you both have a great weekend.

OP - one step at a time. Hopefully solicitor will be able to tie up any questions re the house and what to do next. You should be proud of how far you've come and that you know what you need to do

[Onetoetree]

RoryGilmore l probably could have written this or similar two years ago and got out with one child but didn't believe in myself. I think l have been planning it in my head a lot longer than l actually think. I am sending you some hope and if you want to inbox me we can give each other support if you like. I have received some really good advice on here and support.l have till 8pm to figure out how to clear my chat history and cookies, l didn't even know cookies needed clearing. When l logged in then l realised l had saved my password to log in, so l have changed that.

We are having a really nice week but he is back at 8pm tomorrow so l know l'm going to be dreading tomorrow. I've committed him to drinks with his friends on Saturday night so we will be free of him then on Sunday we can go the park for a few hours. I don't want to deny him access to my ds because l hope in the end ds has a relationship with him, l'm not fussed if dd doesn't she hasn't formed a relationship with him yet.

I have just applied for a new job today, less hours and less stress.

The house l seen wasn't suitable but l am seeing another two on Monday with my dad, but it brought up more questions to be honest. I was planning on leaving, telling him and putting the house up for sale but what would l do for furniture, who would buy an empty house? To put the house up for sale they need both signatures, what if he won't l wouldn't be able to afford my half and my new mortgage. I suppose that's a question for when l meet up with the solicitor in just over a week.
My dad would put the house in his name we discussed this already.

I just need to get through the next few months as l want it to go as smoothly as possible. I am planning on letting him have as much free time and nights out as possible. I don't care if he gets drunk because he is a sleeper.

Thanks for responding ladies Rory you can do it, look at all these brave ladies given us advise. We are worth more, l know l didn't grow up hoping my knight in shining armour would be screaming in my face because our ds spilt water or the washing wasn't put away fast enough.

[FreeFromHarm]

I know this will sound strange, planning the escape was so empowering for me, you are doing fantastically, you have a good support system, just quitely inside believe you are the one in control ok xx

[FreeFromHarm]

You can do it Rory, here for you, stay strong and focused, and its his Shit not yours remember that xx

[FreeFromHarm]

You are doing the right thing, you are pr cous and worth more, the dc will,be so much happier, my children have changed beyound all recognition, stay strong and do not engage with the babble let it go in one ear and out the other xx be strong xx

[bibliomania]

Good advice from TwoKettles - it may make sense for your dad to be the owner of the new house until the divorce is finalised so it doesn't become an asset of the marriage. My parents wrote me out of their will for the time between my marriage went sour and my divorce was final out of fear that they'd die and my then-husband would be able to claim some of my inheritance (not that there's was much other than their house).

[hellsbellsmelons]

Great progress OP.
Well done.
Bless your dad.
Take all the help you can right now to get away and then sort everything out.

[TwoKettles]

Hello - and wow! Such huge progress in such a short time.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation, and her dad helped her by buying a house for her and her DCs to live in, just so she could get out of her marital home. Her XDH then tried to claim half of the new house as a marital asset - what a knob, huh? Other posters may be along in a while to tell you something else about implications of your dad helping you out,, but I'd hate for you to go through the hoops she had to face to save her new house.

[KittyKrap]

Fantastic! I also told myself I'd never get married again or even live with someone. I'm now VERY happily married and we have a house together.

Just look forward to the day you get your keys.

[BagelGoesWalking]

It's fantastic that your father is able to help you in a significant way, emotionally as well as financially. However, it shouldn't obscure the fact that you still deserve to get your fair share financially from your STBXH.

Also, remember to clear internet history and cookies etc. What do you feel about sharing custody of your children? It means that he'll be alone with your children in the future? For that reason, it probably is worth going to the police, so that it's all on record.

[loobyloo1234]

Your son sounds fabulous OP. What a credit to you. You are all worth so much more. Thank goodness for your Dad also. Amazing.

Good luck to you - hope the move is as stress free as possible

[SandyY2K]

Well done for having a plan in place. I don't know if you've already told your SIL, but I often think blood is thicker than water and wouldn't tell her till you've moved.

Your situation is the reason that women need to be financially independent with a job. It just goes to show what an almighty difference having your own money makes.

Well done for recognising his abusive ways and your son really is awesome. He'll be a fine figure of a man in years to come and that's all down to you.

[bibliomania]

What fabulous progress, OP! Wow, the old you and the new you are both impressive people!

Listen, you will probably have a wobble at various stages and think maybe he wasn't that bad. When get out, write down a long list of all the reasons why he really was that bad and read it when you have a wobble. If you anticipate the wobble, you can avoid being derailed by it.

You can do this!

[Onetoetree]

Hi Ladies

Just thought l would update.

I told my dad whilst away for the weekend, we had a great time and it helped me get things straight in my head. I had a little bit of a wobble and thought l was over reacting to what l put up with. I couldn't go to the police on Monday as my ds didn't go to school as it was teacher training day ( yes l am that mum that turns up a day early!!!). I did however get a valuation on the house as l don't want to live here when it's over as l want to be away.

I spoke to woman's aid and l felt so much better another person saying "yes you are worth more". I also looked at the other website which was recommended for clarification and help to understand what l would be entitled too, l was really surprised. I will also be eligible for child tax credits, l also think l am either going to drop s day at work or look for s less stressful job. I have a house viewing tomorrow, it isn't that far away, it is a house very similar to the house l owned by myself except with an extra bedroom and 4 times the cost ( l bought my first house in the late 2002 before the housing market blew up).

My dad, blew me away. I didn't realise in my early teens he went to anger management and my parents then went to marriage therapy, looking back l think things did change when l was about 14, but it was too late and then they were suffocating. My dad has offered to purchase a house for me and when it's all settled l can take on the mortgage, he can afford to do this, l didn't know he has been paying half my sisters mortgage for 5 years, but he says it's her inheritance from our nan and he would like to do something similar for me l have said no, the help will be repaid. I am never ever going to ever own a house with anyone but me ever again, that way me and my children will always have somewhere to live. I am going to leave going to the police for abit as l want to be away from him before it all kicks off properly. I am going to give my dad all my paper work tomorrow, he is coming to view the house with me.

I feel so so much better knowing l'm in control of my life again, l just need to try not be to brazen about it. Yesterday morning he went to kiss me first time in months and l backed away and he said he had missed us. I told him to enjoy his trip which had been extended to Friday thankgod and then l have plans all weekend. 12 -16 weeks l will potentially be free, well living somewhere else feeling happy and relaxed.

[DoreenLethal]

Well done love, i am so glad that the fog lifted.

Your lad sounds fab. But yes, keep it to just those that you know have got your back until you are safe.

[wannabestressfree]

Everyone else is right... play your cards close to your chest. Forwarned is forearmed. Start looking at properties to rent if you Don't want to stay in the marital home. I didn't. We had a fresh start and it was exactly what we needed.

[Baconyum]

Yes timing is everything careful who you tell and when.

Your boy sounds fab!

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I wouldn't tell anyone except SIL, solicitor and WA until you have actually split up.

You need to keep it totally secret from him while you get your ducks in a row.

The last thing you need is people giving you a hard time about it or possibly even warning him.

[gingersam]

Great advice here just keep the momentum going don't look back you can do it life will be so much better for you and your lovely children

[Hidingtonothing]

Sounds like it might be best to figure out exactly what you want to do before you involve your mum and dad so you can present it to them as a done deal, the last thing you need is pressure from anyone to do what they think you ought to at the moment. I would just use the time with your parents to relax and clear your head without anyone pressuring you to do what they think you should do. You're right all this will be a distant memory for your little boy, giving him a happy, shouting-free future will go a long way to repairing the damage your DH has done, you're on the right track OP, keep going

[Onetoetree]

Thank you all, l'm so overwhelmed with the support. somerville l will call WA on Monday or look over the website at the weekend including the money advice website as well thank you whambam

I am in two minds weather to tell my mum and dad over the weekend, but l don't want them to think l am going to move nearer to them because l like living away from them because of my childhood.

Me and ds talked in the car whilst driving to my parents and l told him l was going to make sure all our days were as happy as l can and we are going to have a no shouting rule and he said he will wear his cape and put daddy on the naughty chair for shouting. He is such a fabulous little boy l can't believe l put him through this, but at least l am getting us out and hopefully it will turn into a distant memory in years to come.