I feel like I need to have a moan on MN about grumpy DP

[crunchymummy]

DP is and has pretty always been grumpy, he doesn't like to do anything that involved effort, he just likes to play his video games all day... and doesn't like to go places with me and DS (which isn't a big deal at the moment as DS is only four months old) this would all be fine and I wouldn't begrudge him this if he only tidied up after himself, he'll eat food and leave plates just by him on the floor. He is a good dad in the sense of that he plays with DS and will mind him for an hour or two but I don't want DS to take after him in moaning about everything, literally nearly everything.... oh the effing lightbulb oh its effing sunday oh we've got to go and see your parents what the eff are you doing? (about me picking up his rubbish that he's made around him) and SOMETIMES if I talk to him whilst he's playing his video games he gets grumpy because I've "made him lose" but this isn't always... oh and he likes to have them on LOUD (his computer is in the front room)

Does anyone else have a grumpy DP and how do they cope with it? I just tend to not give him any attention when he's being grumpy

And no I don't want to leave DP, he does have his good qualities and I love him.. I just need to have a bit of a moan on MN sometimes rather than to him

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

What is it that you love about him? It must be fucking brilliant whatever it is.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Good lord he sounds dire. Why are you happy to be with a man who whinges constantly, plays video games all the time, only "minds" your son (ugh, I hate that phrase - it's his son too, he's not a babysitter!), doesn't clean up after himself and is grumpy.

Is that really what you want to put up with for the rest of your life? It's an awful way to live and a really bad role model for your son.

I'm that you think this is okay.

[28DegreesIsTooHot]

He needs his screen time restricted and live in the real world again.

[MrsDeathOfRats]

How old are you?

[HellonHeels]

Dear me! He sounds dire and your expectations are way too low.

FYI "most" men do not sit around gaming all day. My boyfriend likes gardening, reading, running, talking to me, photography, going to art galleries. That's why I like him!

When his children were young he loved taking care of them, doing crafts, reading stories, taking them walking and to the beach and playing games with them.

Amongst my colleagues who are probably more of the gamer age, they might like gaming but they have other interests - reading, playing sports etc. The ones who are fathers actively want to spend time with their partner and family.

You deserve a lot better.

[P1nkP0ppy]

Ummm, can you just remind me what attracted him to you in the first place?
Sounds like an unedifying, lazy bum who needs to grow up pdq or push off.

[BabyGanoush]

poor you, he sounds useless and immature

babysitting his own child for an hour or two? dad of the year! not.

[scandichick]

I echo the poster who asked what you're going to do when you go back to work? Perhaps that would be a good place to start - mention that you'll need to hand over x, y and z to him when you go back to work, and see what he says. The important thing is of course that he follows through, but it might be an 'easy' way to instigate change.

Unfortunately I agree with most of the others - he's no interest in pitching in to do his share, because in his mind it's all your job.

[operaha]

I met my soon to be husband when he was 38. He was already a grown up father of two, worked full time, went to the gym a few times a week, did all his own chores, diy, we became a couple and do things together and with our children every single weekend. If he either gamed or spent his free time in the pub, well, we wouldn't have started. Your expectations are way too low

[Shantotto]

I play a lot of computer games. So does my DP. It is our main hobby and a shared interest. All of our friends are the same.

However, gaming stops when children need looking after and chores need to be done. This is just the basic behaviour of a fully functioning adult. Gaming time happens when baby is napping or in bed and nothing else needs doing.

So yes, time spent gaming has reduced a lot but you know, that's life. His baby is not important enough to him. He is a bad father I'm afraid.

[FuckingMother]

behaving. Not van inking

[FuckingMother]

Has he got a cock of gold He sounds like a total tool! He is far too old to be van ink like this - it doesn't sound as though he interacts with either of you as he should? Just considers you to facilitate his lifestyle. A man isn't a good dad because he looks after the baby for an hour or two. It is his child! That is very little interaction. And what playing does he do? Make raspberry noises at the baby whilst he is gaming? He sounds like a waste of space and as though your life would be easier and less work without him. And he is grumpy too? What a catch

[Tryingtowait]

It's not just addiction it's escapism. Whilst they're playing whatever game they are who they are in the game, it's exciting and whilst in that world they don't have a child/family/job. My dp games, I used to. I'm not against gaming but I do sometimes have to pull dp back to reality and say 'come on time to put ds to bed' or whatever.

The problem comes when this addiction/escapism becomes their reality more thanthe reality that they have children wives jobs. We all have hobbies.

[CopperPot]

My H games about 20-30 hours a week but once we've gone to bed and sometimes on weekends for a couple of hours. Still annoys me.

Good to read Ratbag say it isn't right as a former gamer. H goes mad if I say he's addicted, but he is.

[Ratbagratty]

My DH and I are gamers, I'm talking constant gaming online and offline 30plus hrs a week, after work hrs, then we had our DD. Everything changed we get to play maybe 4hr a week now (she is 5months). We are of a similar age to your oh, so I'm going to be brutal, because you need it. This isn't right, you have another priority now and you owe it to your child to sort this out!

Maybe start by asking for a bit more interactions like others have said and build it up. Computer games are an addiction I completely understand it's pull and I'm still feeling it! Sorry bit of a rambling but I signed up just to post on this.

[BadDoGooder]

Nope, not normal for grown men with a family to spend all their time on games, no one I know does.
We all play them, but family life comes first.
DP works full time in a physical job, and still comes home and does housework, bathes DS etc.
No way would he immediately sit down, play games and leave crap everywhere.

We get our screen time when DS is in bed, and most of the important jobs are done.

I too thought you were going to say he was early 20s, though that's still no excuse. But a 39 year old man with a family should be taking a damn sight more resonsibilty in the house. You are not his maid/housekeeper, you are his partner ffs.

[BIWI]

Why do women marry 14 year old boys?!

FFS. He's your partner and the father of your child. He doesn't 'mind' the baby - he parents your child, along with you, and he shares the responsibility for looking after the house that you own/rent together.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I know this sounds stupid of me but I thought that most men spent the majority of time playing video games (haha at me) DP's friends all do, and my best friends husband also does and she is of the opinion "at least he's not out getting drunk with mates but at home playing on his computer"

He's 39?. May I ask how old you are?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What sort of an example did your own parents set you to have such a low expectation of a man?.

I personally think you need to broaden your own far too limited horizons. You and she are basically doormats for these menchildren to wipe their feet on, they are basically dragging you both down with them into their pit.

[Standingonmytippytoes]

I write this assuming your on maternity leave... what are you going to do when you go back to work and all of the house work is left to you and you have a toddler at your feet that he'll perhaps watch while you get the washing done and the dinner on etc.
It sounds like you have a second child to pick up after.
I wouldn't be putting up with it.

[ScrambledSmegs]

Wow. You have really low expectations of men.

I hope you feel better for your moan.

[ApocalypseSlough]

What happens when you say you don't like his behaviour?

[Perbsy]

Wouldn't suit me, but each to their own.

If the occasional moan gets you through, then moan away.

[ChicRock]

Hope you feel better after your moan.

Obviously you knew all this, you knew exactly what he was like before deciding to have a child with him, so you went into it with eyes wide open.

Good luck.

[TeaAndCake]

39!!

I thought he was 19/20 at most and pretty immature at that!!

So, because he works, he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything at home?
Really?

Do you really want to be living like this in 10 years from now?
It sounds miserable.

[AgathaF]

Not normal for a grown man with a child and partner to spend most of his free time on games, no.

Was he any different before you were on maternity leave - less grumpy, picked up and cleaned up after himself, less time gaming?