struggling one year on from dh's affair

[whensitmyturn]

This time last year I found out dh had had an affair with someone he worked with.

After Christmas I agreed I would start seeing him again as the initial rage had died down and we've been building to a reconciliation and him moving back in the summer. But I'm just really struggling at the moment.

On the one hand I want to shake myself and say it's been a year but I feel worse at the moment maybe as its heading towards that time of year I found out. I feel sad and bitter that I've been put in this position of whether we split the family as he's so desperate reunite or get back together on the back of his stupid actions. I feel angry about stupid things that I haven't lost much weight and the person he cheated with was very slim which makes me feel awful about myself. I started a college course last year and was meant to be in today and got halfway there and turned round as I can't face being with anyone which is just so not like how I used to be. I did everything the advice tells you to, go out with friends, started a new hobby, changed career direction,

I feel trapped and I don't know what to do. I know that if I hadn't got 3 young children I would have left him and that'd be it but the thought of future step kids/ sharing Christmases/ birthdays makes me sad too. Nobody I know in real life has been through this so it makes it hard for them to understand it. I just feel like I'm sinking and don't know what to do.

[Summerlovinf]

Having Christmas apart is not such a big deal. You work around these things, take turns and the kids get used to it and enjoy having two celebrations. If you feel you def would have left were it not for the kids then I'd suggest the relationship is probably best brought to an end. Co-parented kids get on fine. They soon get used to new normal.

[fuzzydoor]

You are welcome, it is a really difficult thing to go through and not something I would wish on anyone. Previous to my experience I was sure I would leave and could never forgive but I did and like I said it was a long road. I don't think I will ever be the same person but I think I am stronger, kinder and less judgemental now.
Occasionally (usually if I see a picture from that time there are lots as I was lovely and slim ha ha) I think about it and get a pang of hurt, but it is short lived and I think about where we are now. I had to fight the urge to hurl it back at him if we argued that took quite a long time and he had to sensitive to that process.We are team now and a happy family.

[SleeplessRageMonster]

"But my husband is bending over backwards to resolve things, will answer any question I have, whenever I chose to have it, takes full responsibility, doesn't huff and puff and I can see this is absolutely what he wants. If I didn't have that he'd be out"

^ THIS

Its been 6 years for me. I still have nightmares sometimes, still have wobbles, but he never, ever gets huffy with me, always is calm and gentle, always absolutely open. And that's how we've survived.

[mutantninja]

Thanks for sharing, Popple , that's made for interesting reading for me too.
fuzzy your post is so helpful. I like the line about forgiving every day.

Hope you feel a bit better today, when.

[whensitmyturn]

Thanks popple will investigate that now.

imperial as far as I know they're still together but he knows the truth she admitted it all after I'd spoken to him.

fuzzy Thankyou for that post I'm going to re_read it now. Sorry to hear you've been through it too

[fuzzydoor]

OP
You sound like me! The idea of step parenting and being separate broke me. DH affair was similar. I took dh back after 3 months only to ask him to leave again 2 months later. After I asked him to leave I took back control and decided what I wanted. We saw a counsellor individually and as a couple. I went back to Uni I made my life so I could stand on my own 2 feet and that I could have a happy life without DH. I then made the CHOICE to work on my marriage we started at the beginning and I decided is this a person I want/choose to be with. DH moved heaven and earth to show that it was a mistake one he can never make againif he wants 'to keep' me. Previous to that he was quite frankly a dick he wanted to move on and forget and I wasn't willing to do that, it was a long road I was so so hurt and devastated and angry despite it being short lived.
However WE truly worked on our marriage not just the affair but all the other stuff as well. We are now 4 years post affair and we are truly happy (much happier than before) it wasn't easy and I didn't make it easy for him at all but he fought for us.
I had lots of support from friends who listened to me when I screamed and cried and they gave me perspective
Choosing to forgive isn't something you do once its something you do everyday was the best bit of advice I was given.
Do NOT settle, be true to you. Work on building you , building your confidence, building a life for you and if and only if your DH adds to that stayed married if not then leave. Staying isn't weakness nor is leaving strength. Strength is doing the thing that YOU want despite the difficultly.
Give yourself plenty of time, evaluate often but also try not to spend every second of every day dwelling on the shit you are going through try and live your life.

[Oly5]

OP, I'm not belittling your experience at all but it all sounds very short-lived and is potentially more forgiveable than, say, if he'd lied to you for 15 years? Yes, you'll never know how long the affair might have gone on but the truth is that she is fairly insignificant to you DH in the grand scheme of his life, whereas you are very significant. Give yourself time and insist on more counselling for you both

[Poppledopple]

This short book by a marriage counsellor with over 30 years experinec out lines the 15 things that your DH has to do so ensure any hope of a sustainable reconciliation. Get him to read it. You should to - it will help you track where you are and what else he still needs to do.

www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

[mutantninja]

A friend of mine suggested her cheating DH buy a house near their family home and do the school run for a year. If he managed that she'd think about a future with him. He did, they are together. Obviously that's not financially viable for most people but is there something he could do to show his commitment?

[mutantninja]

I think you have to feel you are still able to talk about the affair if you want to but it's how to avoid rehashing the same discussions and going around in circles, if you don't feel they are helpful to you or facilitating moving forward. If you both want to try to make it work I do think it's worth trying.

Why does your DH say it happened? How is he reassuring you it won't happen again?

[ImperialBlether]

And did her partner stay with her?

That must have been so painful for you.

[whensitmyturn]

I'll have a look for that book IWILL

imperial she loved him I saw that much on the message on his phone he said he didn't love her just cared for her. That I do believe.
Emotional affair for about 2 months ending up with them sleeping together at a works do. They had stopped working together at this point and I found out 3 weeks later though that message. 

He was desperately trying hard for months to answer things, be there etc but I think as he sees us getting on better moving toward reconciliation he becomes annoyed that my questions upset the 'good times'. 
mutant I agree in that if he'd have huffed in those first few months I wouldn't have been responsible for my actions.   

He sees ow at a group meeting although she's just been moved so won't see each other at all now, I confronted the other woman not long after it happened and she said pretty much the same of the affair as my dh although there was one very exact matching answer that he later admitted they'd agreed on if I ever went looking for her, that plagues me too. At least she had the temerity to be guilty and apologise. She could barely look at me. I told her husband everything too, in my eyes he had a right to know what she was like and to keep ow focussed on her own marriage and dh and not on mine. 

[IWILLgiveupsugar]

Agreed. He has to put in the work to get this right. I think he must stop seeing ow, even if it means looking for a new job.
A year is no time at all. I think it will be a few years before you get on an even keel (assuming you stay together) and even then, you might not ever feel exactly the same way about him. I love my dh, but it is not the complete unconditional feeling I had before. I am a lot more critical of him now and stand for no bs. I guess I am seeing him more as he really is rather than the idealistic version that wa in my head before, which is not a bad thing, but something that I cant quite put my finger on was lost and I will never get that back.

[ImperialBlether]

How long did the affair go on for? Did he think he was in love with her? Was she in love with him?

Why exactly does he HAVE to see her? Unless it's through work, then he doesn't.

He's not doing everything he can to help you get over it, is he?

I think that although you can act as though it's forgotten, it never is. It really is the crack in the relationship that can't be mended. You will always know it's there.

I completely understand why you are considering taking him back, but at the moment he's living away, is that right? So the children are living apart from him now anyway, aren't they?

[IWILLgiveupsugar]

If no one has mentioned it to you, the Shirley Glass book 'not just friends' is helpful, for you and him.

[TheCrumpettyTree]

I'm sure he does want to forget it happened, how convenient. He has no right to huff and puff, he did this.

What has he done to try and make it work?

[IWILLgiveupsugar]

Okay, I think the main problem here is that your h thinks he has the right to set the agenda for what happens and when. He is not 'getting' that the choices are not all his anymore, that his time for making decisions wrt the marriage were over the minute he went outside of your relationship and that you get to decide when you are over it (if at all). He is trying to rush you and getting huffy when you want to talk about it is not helpful.

As much as he hates it, he has to be willing to talk to you as much as you need and not put you under any pressure.

[IrianofWay]

A year is nothing after your world was turned upside down.

[mutantninja]

I was the same, thought we were really happy, DH spent a lot of time on his phone/laptop but that was pretty normal. We got on brilliantly, he was a good dad and we were very loving - yet he was capable of complete betrayal. I don't know how you process that, all I've offered is that I am willing to try. I have said that maybe I can't.

But my husband is bending over backwards to resolve things, will answer any question I have, whenever I chose to have it, takes full responsibility, doesn't huff and puff and I can see this is absolutely what he wants. If I didn't have that he'd be out. One fucking huff and he'd be out, in fact. He's completely changed certain aspects of his life, his working environment, his time online, he's very aware of how unhealthy that all was. If you don't feel that your DH is committed to the same level of effort then why the hell should you try? He should be able to understand and articulate how much hurt he has caused, it should be very painful for him to know that.

You don't have to meet any deadlines, you can change your mind about anything, at any time. He should acknowledge that how you are feeling is normal, that if you were just to bury it and put on a smile that's not addressing the problems at all. You've suffered a massive loss and you have to negotiate your way through that. It doesn't sound from your posts like you've had much time to do that. You are still shocked, hurt and angry.

[Oly5]

Tied together!
Sound quite down.
Sorry for phone mania typos

[Oly5]

A year isn't very long op. Give it time.
Marriage counselling will help but also you sound like you want to/need to build up your own self esteem too? Of course it's all turd together but you sound quite died generally too.
I can't bear the thought of them meeting somebody else and having another family... Which provides incentive to keep working at it

[germinal]

Do you love him? I mean as a person?

I loved my DH and I forgave him. I forgave him because I loved him and believed him when he said he was sorry.

Ten (ish) years on and we are happier than we ever were.

Good luck

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

OP I see you're back and my post still stands. I have reported it. I'm really, really sorry again. Feel like a right twat for being offensive when I was honestly only trying to be of help.

[whensitmyturn]

No whisky am in England? 

Thanks to those who replied, no I suppose he shouldn't move back in while I'm like this i have still got a lot of resentment in me and it wouldn't make for a happy home. 

What I wanted was to be a happy family and I thought we had that prior to it happening. Apart from long hours and him being on his phone a lot both of which have been normal our whole relationship I didn't suspect a thing which has badly shaken my ability to trust my own judgment. 

I just flip flop to different decisions, I know I could be happy in theory on my own as he would have dc's, i like my own company, can keep myself busy etc but then I think about him meeting someone else and moving on and that makes me feel sick too. He was my best friend but he did this to me which means he can't have liked/ respected me all that much just still hurts a lot. He says he loves me etc but he said that before so why would I believe him now? 

He still sees her every few months at a group meeting which I hate but there's nothing I can do about that.

He's said he's told me everything but there's been a couple of times that he's 'slipped up' about things. I try very hard not to bring it up often and can go 3/4 weeks without mentioning it but the last couple of times I've asked him something he's huffed and puffed and got defensive which makes me even more angry. I'm sure he does want to forget it happened but I just can't and I don't think he can understand that as he wasn't cheated on. 

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

I really apologise for any offence caused- I was honestly trying to be helpful and explain why I couldn't forgive an affair and why- I wanted to underline to the op how utterly dreadful it is to be so disrespected.

I will report my own post- HQ please delete.

Sincere apologies again, when