Does this seem like a lot of hours per week for DH's hobby?

[hippospot]

Basically 1-1.5 hours every evening, and then at weekends 2-3 hours each day. So I suppose 9-11.5 hours a week.

At times I feel resentful but then feel terribly guilty for feeling that way.

For background, he's out of the house 11 hours a day Mon-Fri (work + commute) and I'm a SAHM.

He literally never has a day off from his hobby, not even on holiday (in fact he spends more time doing it).

The children are in bed by 9pm but then I go to bed at about 10.30pm because I have to be up pretty early. He's a night owl who needs less sleep so sometimes stays up later than me doing his hobby.

[MaybeDoctor]

Weekday practice that was generally after I had gone to bed would not bother me so much as the 2 - 3 hours on both Saturday and Sunday.

That makes it quite difficult to plan a day trip or something as a family, or get out to do something yourself. If one of the children have a birthday party to attend and he also wants to fit in 2 - 3 hours on his instrument, then alongside meals, chores etc that is the whole day taken up.

(Please say it is at least something lovely like the harp, piano or Spanish guitar, rather than drums, didgeridoo or something!)

[Piemernator]

My DH has a gym set up at home and spends quite a bit of time in there. I personally would have no problem with an hour a day. What are the alternatives you would be doing, having an in depth discussion? Cosying up? I imagine that the feeling you are experiencing may be due to a lack of interesting stuff in your own life as you say you have no passion yourself. .

I spend a lot of time on my hobby which I can see causes despair to others on here because it is gaming. I do most of it when my family are in bed or at work and school as I am at home. I am a night owl anyway and also not much of a sleeper.

While gaming yesterday I spoke to 8 different gaming mates. A lot about the game but also about a guys soon to be born first baby, carpet fitting, Hull, John Prescotts punch up, pronunciation of English vs American language, American slang and gun culture, taxation, minimum wage, the shit that is reality TV, a food festival in Cambridgeshire, fishing, a grandparents illness and how to get children to do homework.

[lljkk]

Come to bed & cuddle up? Then help out more in the morning or whatever.
They have small children, who are demanding creatures. OP needs more emotional support and adult company.

[Jayne35]

I don't think it's a massive amount (especially if you are in bed most times anyway) but then I have a DH with a musical hobby, which probably takes up 2-3 whole evenings a week, around 16 hours - though he is earning decent money from it and I don't have small DCs, maybe it would be different if I did.

[MrsHathaway]

I think the issue for me is probably loneliness in the evenings and a feeling that his hobby is more interesting than me. When we move house I will have opportunities for evening hobbies and socialising that I don't currently have.

That does sound rather sad. Some people do immerse themselves very thoroughly in things with little regard for others. So it's not about equal treatment but about feeling like you're still actually married?

Music practice does benefit from being little and often, so he's right to practise every day, but I agree with pp that some of those days could be half-hour sessions rather than hour-long. I suspect it depends on the dynamic of the evenings in your house. If his eleven hours are say 7.30-6.30 then by the time you've all eaten and put away and herded the children in the vague direction of bed it could easily be 8 or 8.30 and you haven't connected as a couple at all. If he then disappears to practise for 60-90 minutes it would be 9-10pm and you still haven't had a conversation. That would be tolerable occasionally but it sounds like it's every night.

Have you told him that's how you feel? that his hobby is more interesting than me? and presumably also than the DC.

If he's gigging and/or rehearsing every weekend, and more when you're on holiday, that must have a significant impact on what you can choose to do as a family. For example, if his band is getting a gig at a festival so you have to go to that festival, when actually you might have chosen to stay at home that BH weekend and go to Devon to the seaside a different week instead.

[Seeyounearertime]

lljkk

So when he's sat all alone, seeing as OP has said everyone's in bed, he's only allowed to practice for half n hour? Then what? Watch the TV for an hour? Masturbate? Play video games?

[lljkk]

Ah, I see I phrased that badly. It's amazing how something clear in my mind gets heard by others.

I meant that of the 5 nights/week he practices at home, 2 of those he could change to 1/2 hour instead of full 1-1.5 hours. So the new schedule would be more like
Monday 1/2 hour
Tues 1 hour
Weds 1 hour
Thurs 1.5 hrs
Friday 1/2 hour

and then whatever he does on weekends. Just cut the Friday practice, maybe.

[BertrandRussell]

"It's a lot... I could imagine asking him to cut practice to just 1/2 hour 2 nights a week. That really isn't going to harm him."

What, cutting his practice to one hour a week? How on earth is that remotely reasonable?

[Seeyounearertime]

Op, I do t get why you're lonely in the evening? Is it because he stays up when you go to bed?

If that's the case then thats what you need to talk to him about. It'll be tough though because some people just can't go to bed as early as others. My GF often goes to bed at 10.30, I've tried going at the same time but I just lie there, turning over, getting annoyed etc. I end up disturbing my GF. It's better that I sty up till 1am ish and then go up.

Unless I've missed something your OH practice's when you've gone up and he's careful not to practice when it'll impact in the family life?

[lljkk]

It's a lot... I could imagine asking him to cut practice to just 1/2 hour 2 nights a week. That really isn't going to harm him.
Mostly, he'll be a better partner for having his own interests as well as you in his life.
This makes him a more balanced person to deal with difficult moments in life.
You wouldn't want him too focused on just the relationship with you, either.

[hippospot]

Thanks for the all the replies, it has helped me get perspective.

I think the issue for me is probably loneliness in the evenings and a feeling that his hobby is more interesting than me. When we move house I will have opportunities for evening hobbies and socialising that I don't currently have.

[TrappedByTiredness]

My husband spends at least 2-3 hours every day off that he gets, and he gets a lot of days off each week (four) due to working 13 hour days.

So that's 8-12 hours every week. It's his therapy so I don't blame him, but I do wish he'd protect my R@R the same way he does his own!

[Gabilan]

I was going to say "wow that's a lot of time". Then I remembered how much time I spend with the horse. Mind you that's more a way of life than a hobby.

[TurnOffTheTv]

I know she doesn't do her hobbies for six hours a day! But she does have time during the day to do as she wishes, whereas her husband had to wait till he gets home to do his hobby.

[haveacupoftea]

Have you thought that he might be practising so much so he can get paid to play at weddings and bring in more money for the family? He seems very dedicated.

I wouldnt be annoyed if all he would be doing otherwise is sitting watching TV.

[SleepingTiger]

The OP didn't say she spent 6 hours a day pursuing her own hobbies! Just that she did when DH was at work and when the children are at school.

Neither OP or her DH are spending hours each day at the Spa or the WI, nor secretly watching hours of porn - as some have already concluded.

[DaveCamoron]

What TurnOff said.

[TurnOffTheTv]

I can't see the problem. OP has 6ish hours too herself a day too pursue her hobbies, which she said she does. DH works so needs to find some time for himself as well.

[MiffleTheIntrovert]

If the DC are in school, you probably have about 4/5 hours free in the day to pursue your interests? Even with chores etc you could devote the same amount of time to a hobby.

If this is the case, YABU.

Equal disposable income and equal leisure time are two of the most important factors in a relationship, I feel.

[Moreisnnogedag]

So he plays after you've gone to bed? I think you'd be hard pressed to complain about it if he'd be up anyway and you'd still be in bed.

[SleepingTiger]

Sometimes it might be 57 minutes and at other times it might be 74 minutes, though.

[BertrandRussell]

So. The OP is a SAHM with children in school. Her dp is out of the house 11 hours a day.

And people are saying that he shouldn't have an hour a day to himself? Bloody hell.

[SleepingTiger]

Or 11% of available time.

[Junosmum]

For me it would depend on when he's doing this. If it's an hour after OP goes to bed then so what, so long as OP doesn't value going to bed together (it's important to me that DH and I go to bed together most nights, otherwise our intimacy would suffer). If it's mainly after op is in bed and one evening a week plus a few hours at the weekend it could be ok.

If it's impacting on family life negatively or excessively then it's not ok. It could be one hour or 11, it doesn't matter.

[SleepingTiger]

Blank canvas Joysmum