What are children learning about relationships and love when parents separate?

[serialangstyposter]

I know it's a bit wimpy to ask a theoretical question and ask that you be kind... but patience would be appreciated. This isn't intended as a criticism of advice on this board - far from it - but rather a desire to understand. Likewise it's not criticism of anyone's choice.

It seems to me that posters are often challenged on what children are learning from being raised by parents in a relationship that isn't entirely happy. But I wonder what children with separated/divorced parents learn. Don't they lose all security? Don't they learn love isn't forever? Won't they always know that someone they love could leave any time. Can they really understand the difference between parents love for each other and parents love for a child? I think it's all family to a child and they may feel that all relationships, including those they have with their parents are vulnerable. Don't they experience one of the worse forms of loss early on?

I'm rambling. I just don't think the flip side of the issue gets answered. Maybe that's because these are obvious thoughts. After all there are repeated posts about staying together for the children.

Thanks for further responses. It occurs to me that if it's less about the living arrangements, residence etc. and more about the adults behaviour then this applies regardless. Staying together isn't enough in itself to protect childrearing from unhappiness in a relationship. Pretty obvious. I need to work through our crap together. Not take staying together as the easy option to avoid sorting problems and kid myself this is best for the children.

Why do you think children living in an unhappy home have any security to lose?

Love isn't forever, people can leave if they want to, relationships do change, people make decisions and move on... Love is not unconditional...there are consequences of behaviour and people have the free will to act how they like and choose who they spend time with. And Santa isn't real.

Well, quite. People can always leave if they want to. But children from safe, secure homes are more likely to have the self-esteem not to constantly worry about being left instead of living their lives.

I was brought up to believe you couldn't leave a marriage. So I stayed with an abusive partner for years.

What i learned was how happy home life can be when my mum is happy, and no screaming matches in the middle of the night. And i learned that sometimes you can love someone very much but if you arent happy together you should seperate. And i learned that it is possible for a man to be a good man and pay for his children and love them, even if his marriage didnt work out.

I also learned that i would never, ever have children until i am in a secure and happy place to look after them, and that i want to give them all the happiness i never had.

I suspect it might be tougher than learning Santa isn't real.

My children have learned that you shouldn't settle for someone who isn't right for you.

That we have good intentions but people change and no, sometime marriage isn't forever.

They have learned that their mum can find someone who is a better fit and who makes her utterly happy, just as she deserves and that their dad can also meet someone much more suitable, who gets him and who is prepared to accept the level of attention that he is willing to offer.

Seems to me that they have learned some important lessons about love and relationships. Not that they are transient or that that commitment is unimportant, but that when we realise that we are not compatible it's better to part ways amicably than to try and flog a dead horse!

handywoman "My kids are probably learning about both of their parents as individuals. In a way that kids with both parents at home don't until after they've left home. " That's an interesting perspective. I think that's true, my DCs have certainly spent more time talking with me about life in general since their dad moved out and they now get to spend time with him when previously he wasn't very hands on. Being on my own has given me the chance to grow and make my own decisions, make my home my own, take them on holidays on my own. I'm no longer constricted by XH's moods and opinions, so they are getting to know the real me. I was a shadow of myself when I was with EA XH and I wouldn't have been happy knowing that this was the mum they would remember when they grew up.

MarkRuffaloCrumble your posts are really good thanks. In fact there are many posts that make for great thought provoking reading on the thread. Thanks.

I think my dcs are learning that their mum and dad still love them. That they couldn't live in the same house anymore and no one was happy that way. We told them children are loved by mummy and daddy's in a different way. By maintaining a good parent relationship even if only in front of them sometimes means they realise we are both there for them and communicate about them. As another poster said my dcs dad now much more involved than he ever was before and they see more of him. I think they learn hard things too that mummy has a tough job and working full time is hard. That I don't always get it right. But doesn't that show them despite everything hanging actually a lot is still the same? They are loved. They see all their family. They still get to do everything they did before but now mum and dad are happy and have found other relationships which show them that although love ends new love can begin and be good in a different way. If I could I wouldn't have my dcs living without both parents but that wasn't to be. So we have forged new lives which we all enjoy and at the root they still have rules and routines and school and clubs and none of that changed. I think it's a lot to do with how well the parents can communicate afterwards and that isn't easy and sometimes impossible.

What does EA mean?

From my parents divorce, I learnt that my own 'd'f was an arrogant, egotistical twat and I should never marry someone like him.

I learnt that some people can't be helped and if you can't save them, save yourself. Walk away and make sure you achieve the life you want (for you and your DC).

I also learnt never to rely on someone else. As a SAHP my DM was emotionally destroyed when he left, but worse, she was financially destroyed. I will always work and ensure that I do not NEED a man to keep up the standard of life I've become used to! When I read stories on here about SAHP who would have no way to support themselves if their DP/DH left them, it makes me really concerned.

Just to add, I have the most wonderful DH and we are very comfortable financially, but I would be fine, with or without him.

madmother EA is emotionally abusive

I'm sorry to have asked the question Iamloved when you (and others) have left for very good reasons.

Hopefully, they learn that they are loved no matter what, that they still come first, and that parents will do everything possible to make them feel secure. I would also hope they learn that nobody should stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy, and that nobody leaves a marriage lightly, or in some cases, by choice. My husband came out as gay after a few strained years. How could we stay together? We get along much better now and the kids are happy and well adjusted. The important thing is not that you split, but how you split, and how you treat each other after.

I have just tonight actually understood what posters said here.

DC and I are nearly in our new home anyway but I have realised (with help) what a positive message this is for them, not just something I'm doing for me.

(I don't "get" things quickly!)

So a bump of sorts for anyone else who might find the posts here helpful.

I learned that it's far better to live in a house where one of the people supposed to love and care for me unconditionally wasn't belittling both my mother and I on a daily basis. I felt much more happy and secure when it was just my mother and I without my abusive, alcoholic father. I learnt that it's OK to walk away if you're not happy and that my mother's greatest act of love for me was to walk away, lose her financial stability and make a new life for us when her entire family thought my dad a lovely bloke. (They all came round after a while).

My kids have been amazing. After worrying about telling them for almost 2 years, they were fine once the shock had worn off. They still see their dad all the time, and wanted to meet my boyfriend, and loved him. I've learned a few things: people don't split up because they want to, but because they have to, how you manage change is more important than change itself, we underestimate our children's capacity to understand what's going on. My DD (10) said she didn't realise how happy I could be until she saw me with my new BF. We want our children to be happy, but they want us to be happy too.

Children need to know that they are worthwhile and lovable people.

This belief can be strengthened - or shattered - by parents, whether they are divorced or married. The most important thing is how parents relate to their children. Divorce doesn't need to have an impact on that - although it sometimes does.

I agree - it is about how the adults behave after the separation. My ex had an affair. He left and moved 30 mins away to live with OW. He didn't take the family car and couldn't afford to buy a new one as he was paying me a lot of CM. I enabled him to continue to see the children. I picked him up from stations, bus stops, his flat etc. I allowed him to see the kids in the family home rather than in Mac Donald's. He took them camping for a week - I lent him the car. Why? Because I am a better person than him and I didn't want my children to suffer. 4 years later the children are very settled. The OW has a lovely large extended family that my children get on with. I have met a lovely man. My ex has a car !!! At the end of the day I want to be able to say to my kids that I did the best I could for them. I came from EA parents and I didn't want my children to go through the same childhood I had.

Don't they learn love isn't forever? Won't they always know that someone they love could leave any time. Can they really understand the difference between parents love for each other and parents love for a child?

See, I think that's a good thing. With the exception of love for children, all relationships should be conditional IMO. I wonder how much the divorce rate would decrease if all couples shared childcare and housework responsibilities 50/50 and if there was an absence of controlling and/or abusive behaviours.

I would cross continents and walk over hot coals for my partner if he needed me because we are a partnership where each tries to give more than they take. I would also be out of the door like a shot if he started taking me for granted or treated me badly, as would he if I did the same. Funnily enough, we don't - primarily because we're both decent people who love each other, but also because we know it won't be tolerated by the other.

If everyone adopted this viewpoint, romantic/family/friendship/work relationships would be so much better and over time enhance society as those who don't live life like this become excluded and thus incapable of modelling these bad behaviours to the next generation.

I think children are capable of distinguishing between types of relationships - it's why they don't disintegrate when leaving behind their nursery assistant, childminder or that year's teacher. Children should have strong, secure attachments with each parent individually, and those attachments should not be rocked by divorce, however much life changes otherwise and is unsettling. A child can be upset and distressed at the loss of the family home/change of school etc, but as long as the parents remain fair to each other and consistent in their relationship with the child, a child will ultimately weather a divorce without any long-term damage. Sometimes this gets a little muddied when couples first separate and poor behaviour is born of frustration and hurt, but it usually settles down as most parents love their children more than they hate their STBX. And this should teach a child that love for children is unconditional and trumps romantic love, actually creating a stronger sense of security.

The problems really start when parents handle divorce badly and one or both start using the child as a pawn. Unfortunately, the truth is that someone capable of behaving like this is almost certainly going to cause issues for a child even when the family is complete, so nothing is actually gained by choosing to stay together for the sake of the children.

Pounding that was such an interesting take on things and really makes sense. Thanks for the post.