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Relationships

I've been horribly nosy and found something I shouldn't have....

39 replies

Allepo · 14/04/2016 12:30

I'm feeling really awful.

I'm a horrible nosy person.

DP and I have been together two years. We live together and are expecting our first child.

DP's sister is staying with us. She's gone out for the day and left her year planner on the table.

I had a look, out of nosiness and boredom.

She has DP's exes birthday in there and their wedding anniversary along with how many years....

They split up 3 years ago, she was abusive towards him and has caused him a world of problems ever since. DP says his sister and ex were never friends.

I feel ashamed that I was nosy and also bad about what I saw.

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/04/2016 10:19

I think you've overreacted to this massively.

You might not be the kind of person who records dates, but many people are. Like I said earlier, I don't write mine down, but I do remember significant dates - my friend's divorce dates, etc. I know their wedding anniversaries and how long they'd have been married each year and I remember that stuff incase it becomes relevant. Most years it's not needed, but I remember it anyway, just incase.

She's done the same, but written it down. She didn't mention it to you - you'd never know that she was remembering if you hadn't looked through her planner.

It doesn't mean anything about your relationship with her, or your position in the family. It doesn't mean that she's friends with your ex. It simply means that he is aware of the date that would have been her brothers wedding anniversary and how long they'd have been married. It could be to make sure she doesn't plan things on that date, she could have just put all the dates she remembers in her planner, she could keep it incase he does need support one year. You don't know why it's there - and you don't need to.

Are you a bit uncomfortable that he's been married before? Have you? It sounds like you're insecure that he has an exwife and you'd rather pretend that she didn't exist, which is fine, especially if that's also how your partner feels. You can't expect everyone to do that, though. You will have to accept that his significant events before you are still significant to some of his family. There are things that he did with her which are memorable - especially if that was his first wedding, and his first child. Essentially, his first family. That doesn't diminish who you are, but you'll add to the significant dates that he has, rather than replace the old ones.

If this is pregnancy nerves, I'd leave it. If you're genuinely doubting that your partner is including you in his life, that's worth talking to him about. If you're just a bit insecure about his family and whether they like you as much as her, it's probably worth just swallowing the pill and trying to move past it.

I wouldn't admit reading her planner to your DP.

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Fratelli · 15/04/2016 10:10

If they've got a kid together then they'll always be in each others lives. Maybe she keeps a note of their anniversary if the dc ask.

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Canyouforgiveher · 15/04/2016 01:16

My god stop that's an incredibly horrible thing to text the woman who presumably was mutually emotionally involved with your father? Fine saving your mum from seeing them by deleting them but why text her that? A polite, 'please don't contact this number again' should have sufficed.

My reaction entirely. How do you even know what was going on in your parents' marriage? I could see deleting the texts but sending a message to this woman that treated her like dirt ...? What would your father have wanted? this was his life not yours.

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AbernathysFringe · 14/04/2016 23:46

My god stop that's an incredibly horrible thing to text the woman who presumably was mutually emotionally involved with your father? Fine saving your mum from seeing them by deleting them but why text her that? A polite, 'please don't contact this number again' should have sufficed.

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Canyouforgiveher · 14/04/2016 23:43

I think Shepherdessy gets the prize for most paranoid reaction

Be very very careful of the person you have staying in your house.

She may try to drive a wedge between you & your DP.

Watch this one & get her out of your home asap.

You read someone's private diary OP. When you do that you can't ask for an explanation. So you are stuck with the information and can't do anything about it. I'd just forget about it. we all make mistakes.

It is entirely possible that SIL doesn't like you that much (although I doubt she is plotting your demise as Shepheressy suspects :)). To be honest, if you snooped in her diary when she was out, maybe she has reason not to like you.

but none of it really matters-all that matters is that your partner likes/loves you.

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ADishBestEatenCold · 14/04/2016 23:36

Maybe DSil is just making sure that she doesn't forget dates or details that might be important to her nephew/niece, or asked about by her nephew/niece.

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stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/04/2016 23:16

Fortunately my brother snooped at my dads phone as he was dying . And he found some texts from someone he had an EA with . He got the phone , we texted her to fuck off and die (or words to that effect ) and saved my mum from seeing them . Sometimes snooping is not bad actually X

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Twinklestein · 14/04/2016 23:06

Don't tell your partner it's too odd, and I'm not particularly anti-snooping.

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Twinklestein · 14/04/2016 23:06

It's very odd that she has brother's anniversary of a relationship he's not longer in.
I'm really close to my sister and I'd struggle to remember the date in April she got married (I can't in fact - I know it's near the beginning).

But it's irrelevant.

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Xmasbaby11 · 14/04/2016 22:56

So what if you found out she doesn't like you and preferred his ex? could you handle that? Personally I'd rather not know.

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RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 14/04/2016 22:49

Given that she's got the number of years married in there next to the anniversary, when they're no longer together... maybe she filled in a few years ahead one boring evening four years ago before they split?

it's the kind of thing I would do

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Allepo · 14/04/2016 22:15

Yes they do have a child together.

No it doesn't really matter, I just want to know where I stand with her and my place in the family I guess.

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Fratelli · 14/04/2016 21:59

Does it really matter? Your dp is with you and that is all that should matter. His sisters relationship with his ex is totally irrelevant.

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ImperialBlether · 14/04/2016 21:50

Does your partner have a child with his ex?

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Allepo · 14/04/2016 21:46

Do you think I should tell DP what I did?

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Allepo · 14/04/2016 20:35

We do get on well and I've made an extra effort to be really nice to her this evening.

I asked DP again if they were mates and he said honestly no, they got on but were never close.

I don't really understand why she'd have it written down, DP and his ex really don't get on Confused

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PrincessBooBoo · 14/04/2016 19:15

Well, you cant undo it, but this is a good/hard lesson to learn. Nothing is good about opening Pandora's box...I snooped/found a Christmas present for the OW my husband had left me for when I was staying at the MIL's. I was bloody devastated that they could have bought her something when I was still upset about him leaving, so I do know

Good luck with the baby x

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WannaBe · 14/04/2016 17:46

Actually no, it's not the norm to go through someone's private diary as a matter of course. It's not nosiness it's an invasion of someone's privacy.

You say she doesn't like you, it seems fairly evident why. You clearly have no boundaries or respect for her privacy at all. And tbh the kind of people who snoop like that aren't usually that subtle there will be signs that you are generally a nosy person. Perhaps she doesn't like that.

Never go looking for that which you are not prepared to find.

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Merd · 14/04/2016 17:34

Actually no - I'm not being holier than thou about it: my mum was incredibly nosy and I know how horrid it is to experience, so I've fought it like crazy not to repeat that and I honestly wouldn't have peeked at something "lying on the table in front of me".

And actually it is a bit petty and I don't think you can just blame that kind of stuff on hormones. When it comes down to it, she hasn't written your birthday down and didn't jump for joy at a baby announcement. There could be four thousand reasons for either - from not liking you, to shit timings or personal wounds you don't know about, or maybe she doesn't act the way most people would about stuff. It might not be about "you" at all.

Either way, if you want to be better friends with her, then why not try to be better friends with her? If that doesn't work, then just shrug and assume there are reasons, and stop taking it so personally.

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Shepherdessy · 14/04/2016 16:08

Erm, actually, that isn't petty at all that your birthday isn't in there. Watch this one & get her out of your home asap. Good luck with the baby :-)

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Allepo · 14/04/2016 14:06

Thanks for all your posts, all valid points.

I guess it's that she didn't have my bday in their and yes it was all handwritten.

She is incredibly organised and maybe just wanted everything written down.

Bloody pregnancy hormones. Making mental note not to snoop again.

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hesterton · 14/04/2016 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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expatinscotland · 14/04/2016 13:35

I don't bother snooping, either. It's a stupid and shit thing to do. It's not 'being nosy', it's asking for trouble and invading someone's privacy.

So, no, LaConnerie, not all of us do it. Some of us learned the hard way to leave well enough the fuck alone.

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Caprinihahahaha · 14/04/2016 13:35

I'm nosy too - I'm not holier than thou. Really.

But honestly I wouldn't look through the belongings of someone staying with me. That just feels incredibly intrusive and the opposite of how someone should feel in my home. Perhaps I'm weird. Entirely possible.

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/04/2016 13:34

Hmm... I'm not really sure why it matters that it's there.

I know my best friends wedding date. I know when they "split", and when he moved out, and when they divorced. I don't keep a year planner but I guess if I did, they'd be in there, along with her children's birthdays and stuff. They are significant events for her and although she copes fine, I keep them in mind so that I know when they are - if they did effect her one year, I could be around to help, or I can distract her or just visit her, even if we don't mention it.

They are still significant events in her brothers life. They won't ever not be - although you'll create more with him.

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