I think I would like children and responsibility, husband does not want either

[Sofia83]

Some advice would be very welcome. When I met my now-husband I was 26 and never really thought about children very much. I had come out of a horrible relationship with a very unfaithful partner who (along with his family) put a lot of pressure on me to produce a child asap. Therefore after coming out of the relationship and into a new really great one with husband, his saying he really didn't want children was fine by me as all the pressure was suddenly off and I was with someone who really adored me just for me (he still does).

However, I am now 33 and seeing my friends all start families and am feeling increasingly preoccupied by my snap decision to say no to kids all those years ago. I really worry that I am missing out on a wonderful and truly challenging and rewarding experience. I feel I have changed a lot over the years, mainly because I am older and am very loved by my husband, and I am simply thinking more and more about kids no matter how I try not to.

I've started to look at my husbands 100% anti kids stance a bit more closely. He is very edgy about anything that he perceives as too much pressure or responsibility, being very reluctant to even babysit his niece and nephew overnight because it makes him too uncomfortable (I told him he had to). While I have grown more confident and feel a great need for more responsibility and involvement in the world and am getting interested in things like children and future plans, he seems to be pushing anything that seems responsibility away. He struggles to hold down a job because it's not his passion (he is an aspiring photographer and is currently unemployed and vaguely job hunting) and gets terribly ill as soon as a job gives him too much pressure. He struggles to manage his finances and seems only interested in "if we won the lottery" daydreams about the future rather than working with what we have. I manage all our household finances. And every time he hears a baby crying or sees a parent looking vaguely stressed he turns to me with big eyes and says "Thank god that will never be us, it looks so horrible".

I'm not sure what to do. I love my husband dearly and he's absolutely devoted to me. Initially I thought that giving up on children would be fine, great even, because it would open up a whole world of wonderful experiences and adventures that we could have together. But he so consistently can't get himself together or get his head out of the clouds that I'm worried that I might be trading something motherhood for giving my husband the low stress environment that might actually be stopping him from growing up.

[DinosaursRoar]

From your last post, it's clear that your marriage is the wrong relationship for you. By mid-30s, if he's not grown up yet, he's not going to. He's found a grown up (you) who'll do all the crap bits for him, refused to engage with other parts of adult world and that's that.

You are his mum replacement with added sex, sorry.

That's clearly not enough for you, so at 33, it's probably about time to end this relationship ASAP so that if you do meet a grown up, you have time to have DCs with them, if that's what you want.

You don't have to ruin his life, you do have to decide that you are allowed to have the life you want, even if it means a man you care about doesn't get to have the one he wants (which is you looking after him and protecting him from that big scary grown up world).

[huskylover]

Why can't you just sit him down, and have a real talk? Tell him that you really do want a baby. In your shoes, if I was really desperate, I would say that I would do the major caring for it, and hope to goodness that when baby arrived he fell in love with it. I'm not recommending you do that!! But I know that I would have gone to those desperate lengths when I was broody. I think you need this chat asap. You are 33 and you've no idea how long it may take you to conceive. You might even need IVF. Also, bear in mind that if you did separate, it could take you years to find your next Partner. Good luck! TALK.

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

Sounds like you've got the worst of both worlds; you don't have children but then you don't have the life you could have by being child-free. As PPs have said, he sounds like a child in a man's body. I don't know how you put up with him really because he sounds sweet but absolutely useless.

[wickedbodies]

I think your husband sounds fine. There seems to be an attitude on here that unless you are grown up, taking responsibility, working hard, building something etc etc then you are a bit of a waster but thats just one take on life it is probably the most mainstream view but it isn't the only way to live.

The obvious issue is that he doesn't want children, that is a perfectly reasonable choice to make and he was totally up front with you about it you are the one that is changing their mind. Of course you are allowed to do that but take some time to really figure out if it is what you want for yourself or if it is just societal pressures, there is such huge pressure to children for women and its hard to work out where you own desires end and external influances begin.

If you really do want a child then you need to talk to him and come to some kind of decision about your future as a couple as parents or not, together or seperated.

I just think some posters here are really running your dh down and they don't know him at all and probabaly projecting some of their own stuff in their.

[ImperialBlether]

Do you like his cocklodger work ethic, wicked?

[DinosaursRoar]

Wicked - there are some people who are happy to just bob along, hoping that life will happen in the way they want, but putting zero effort into achieving that, but like the OP, it's frustrating to live with - and I for one could have no respect for someone who just acts like life happens and they shouldn't make any effort to achieve anything.

The "when I win the lottery" conversations suggests that it's not a case that he doesn't want the nice things like travelling the world, or buying fast cars, living in nice house/apartment, having lots of savings behind them etc, the sort of stuff that 2 professionals without DCs should be able to do easily in their 40s, it's just that while he wants them, he's sort of expecting someone else to provide them and hasnt cottoned on to the fact he'll have to make some effort over the next few years to make that happen.

OP - your DH won't grow up and change. This is it. So it's not "child-free, touring the world, eating in posh restaurants, driving fast cars you can't get baby seats in" life wihtout children - it'll still be just as hard financially as if you have DCs, because you'll be supporting your DH.

Agree, it doesn't sound like you'll be giving up having DCs for something better, but for something worse.

I can't see how you square that with staying with him. You have to decide, is he worth not only giving up the idea of DCs, but also the idea of having a fun-packed child-free life? You are going to have to give up a lot for him. What's he given up for you?