I haven't posted about this before, but currently need some advice. I'm going to apologise in advance for the length.
My mother is extremely toxic. Functioning alcoholic, quite abusive growing up, narcissistic tendencies. You know the type.
In August/September time I decided after yet another drama to go non contact. I had just found out I was pregnant with my second and really didn't want the stress of dealing with her. There were a couple of instances of contact wherein I simply replied telling her I wasn't interested and then ignored, eventually I stopped replying all together. Although it wasn't easy, there was lots of guilt tripping and I still feel personally responsible for her but I do know that I will get over that notion eventually.
The past couple of weeks she has stepped up trying to contact me. Calling and texts, no physical visit yet. If she does turn up I will simply call the police, I've had a very difficult pregnancy and really don't need the stress of that argument. I can't change my number or move house right at this moment, although am likely to move in the next 12 months or so. Changing my number isn't an option, and for my own sake I decided not to block her number until I had moved and was able to just change my number (it gives me a feeling of safety. She will always contact me via text or phone call before stepping up and going for physical visits. While she can still arrive at my door, I like knowing I have a little warning).
I know the usual advice is to just meticulously ignore, ignore, ignore. Which I intend on doing. I'm not going to pick up the phone or text back, no matter how tempting it is. But her contact is becoming really hard to handle. I jump every time my phone goes off, or spend the next two days crying and panicking and upset. Last night (she was drunk. Usually is during these episodes), she repeatedly phoned, then started sending text messages telling me how horrid I was for stopping her from seeing my daughter. I eventually just put my phone on silent so I didn't have to deal with it, then woke up this morning to a voicemail (how I know she was drunk) telling me two members of my family are dying and I need to contact her and be part of the family, and that I'm a vicious bitch for not caring that they're so Ill. I do care, but I can't have contact with the rest of my family because of her, unfortunately.
Now for the purpose of this novel. I spoke to my husband this morning and it's clear she appears to be stepping up her game. I'm concerned about where it will end. She has my husbands number so could start contacting him, she knows details for his family members so could track them down on Facebook. She has a history (not with me) of malicious reporting to social services which I keep expecting, given she knows where we live. She knows my daughters school and various other details that mean she has a variety of options open to her. I'm debating making a solicitors appointment today, to get them to write to her stressing that her behaviour is harassment and explaining what will happen next if it doesn't stop (potential criminal charges, I'd also happily proceed to a civil injunction if it continues). I genuinely don't want to resort to courts and things, I just want her to go away and live her life, leaving me to mine. Does anybody have any advice or experience of using solicitors to get rid of contact from toxic parents? Does it work, or is it likely to make things worse? The last thing I want to do is piss her off so much that I end up with even more problems but I really need to feel like I'm doing something, and that she understands completely that I'm not changing my mind.
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Advice re toxic mother please!
7 replies
RayofFuckingSunshine · 08/02/2016 08:45
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