Do men and women communicate differently? And if so, why?

[Destinysdaughter]

I had a date with a guy tonight and although he was a nice, intelligent guy, I found myself at times bored and struggling to communicate with him. Firstly, he hardly asked me any questions about myself and when I did venture information about myself, instead of showing interest in what I'd said and wanting to find out more, he just told another story about himself. By the end of the date I was losing the will to live. I'm a v good listener and good at getting people to talk about myself but when that isn't reciprocated, I end up feeling shut down, bored and resentful. I've noticed this before, with men just wanting to tell stories and not deepen the conversation. I find it really frustrating and feels a very superficial connection. Is it just me or have other women had a similar difficulty in communicating with men...?

[Umeboshisensei]

I think there is am increasing tendency to almost fetishise gender difference as explaining everything. There is also a whole industry of self help books and psychology which depends on people believing this. The one thing that may hold true is many men believe they have to prove their worth all the time. Not just to prospective romantic partners, also to other men, even in some cases their own families. The vile was socialisation happens means women feel they have to shut up and look pretty, women who don't fit the ideal are made to suffer. Similarly men are brought up to be strong and stoic, never admit weakness. The result is abysmal intra-gender communication, the media controlling women's happiness by keeping them insecure, and a desperately high incidence of male suicide.
To return to the original posting, I agree he sounds insecure or self centred or both. Or possibly nervous and unsure about himself. People are of course imperfect, it depends whether you can live with the imperfections in question.

[PoundingTheStreets]

I don't think the problem is so much that he he is male but that's he loves himself and thinks you should think he's amazing and you're so lucky he's interested in you.

[Marchate]

Long ago I heard a comedian on Radio 4 talking about men & their conversational skills. This struck me as so true:
'Listen to us, and we'll love you'

[peggyundercrackers]

I tend to find men talk much less than woman in general - are the men listening though? I guess it depends if it's a subject that interests them - it is hard to be invested in a conversation you have no interest in and find completely boring.

maybe you just didn't have much in common with this bloke?

[Destinysdaughter]

Some interesting points on here. I agree, some women can be just like this guy was, maybe it's also the difference between introverts and extroverts. I'm much more of an introvert but do find people genuinely fascinating. However when it's all one way I get bored in the end!

[BimBam]

*had lots of men

[BimBam]

I am like the ops date but always h lots of me wanting relationships with me. When I was younger I would just come away from date thinking you were quiet and boring.

I think it's just a personality clash. It's a marmite love or hate thing.

[Seeyounearertime]

I'd say yes, i'm a quiet guy, i listen far more than talk. I HATE talking about myself and would rather hear all about someone else's life TBH.
I've lived my life, been there through most of it, someone else's life holds far more interest to me. The difficulty i find is that I can be too quiet and other people rail road the conversation and talk constantly.

But it's one of the reasons i know me and my GF were made for each other. We can both sit perfectly happily and not say a word for hours and it's perfectly nice, comfortable and easy.

[BimBam]

In my own life women talk 100 x more than men. I don't think I could cope with a man talking as much as me. Luckily I have never met one

I think I talked 24 hours a day for the first few months after meeting, and then we got married really soon after. Talking is my top hobby!

[Trills]

(what Obsidian said)

[Trills]

PEOPLE communicate differently!

Yes.

There are differences in how people are treated when they communicate in different ways - a man's "assertive, confident" might be considered to be "aggressive, bossy" in a woman.

There's a chance that there are more men than women who display this "only talk about yourself, don't ask any questions" type behaviour because they are more likely to get away with it.

[ravenmum]

www.theguardian.com/world/2007/oct/01/gender.books

[Joysmum]

Do men and women communicate differently?

The way I'd answer that is by asking is all women communicate the same?

Conclusion: PEOPLE communicate differently!

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Ignore the Mars Venus bollocks.
There is loads of evidence that boys are socialised from a young age to expect to be listened to and to have their contributions valued more highly than girls. This deepens through adolescence and into the work place. Men tend to dominate conversation especially in meetings etc.
Obviously this cannot be generalised to all men, but it's a definite trend. A man is more likely to have a fundamental belief that his life,interests and opinions are valuable and therefore to dominate a conversation in a way that can get pretty boring.
All of that is not to say that there are not lovely and interested men, or boring and self obsessed women. And it's not innate, it's socialised.

[Lanark2]

It does sound like he was misreading your fedupness, but this could be nerves. I (male) grew up with, and was friends at uni with, people who share stories around the same subject to bond, and the 'oh yeah that's like when i"' interruption builds and builds a multilayered conversation. In that environment its sometimes quite a shock when your 'oh man [i know how you feel] that situation was like when I was in America and.. ' is read as 'oh I see he/she is trying to boast about America'. When in the describers head its just a contextual statement.

If it is a 'talk about me' thing then he may have been just trying to say things on a range of topics till one engaged you at that level.

[MistressDeeCee]

Your date was an egotistical bore. I don't think its gender specific.

[Theydontknowweknowtheyknow]

Yes. Read Deborah Tannen. It's frustrating when you feel your politeness and attentiveness is being taken advantage of but not reciprocated.

[SelfLoathing]

mars and venus on a date has lots in it about this. how men act on first dates like an interview , giving info and trying to impress not asking questions

[LongWayRound]

Deborah Tannen would say yes:
You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation
That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships

[Destinysdaughter]

I've had quite a few glasses myself now! Was such a shame as I actually quite fancied him too!

[UmbongoUnchained]

Ah yes he does sound self obsessed, sorry I didn't read the OP properly.


I may have had a glass of wine.

[Friendlystories]

Umbongo not sure there's much difference, both can lead to celibacy! I agree men and women do communicate differently but don't think that explains men or women actually who only want to talk about themselves, some people are just self obsessed and it sounds like OP has been unlucky.

[smallfry16]

Holy Moly a nun! Actually believed it.

[BackforGood]

I think in the scenario you are talking about - that was just someone who wasn't a good listener, rather than anything to do with men being different from women. Some men are good listeners and other aren't, same with women.

However

As a generalisation, then I'd say there are quite a lot of stereotypical differences, yes. Have a read of Men are from Mars / Women from Venus (or is it the other way round? it's some years since I read it ) and see how many of the people you know , it describes quite well. Not everyone of course, but that's how generalisations work....

[Fauchelevent]

Yeah no he's definitely not the only man to communicate like this. Any attempt to share your own personal experiences is met by yet another opinion or whatever.