I've been stupid and then I completely lost it

[BoringlyRestrictive]

So if anyone remembers my previous threads you will know my husband is quite controlling and emotionally vacant. He is emotionally and mentally abusive. He plays games with my mind.
And I had had enough and sought out a lawyer and enquirer about divorce. I was feeling positive.

Husband found out and he basically begged for another chance. Said he would finally go and get help.
I would prefer to keep my family together then destroy it for my kids sake so like a fucking stupid idiot I agreed.

Well that was a week ago and today we were talking. About our relationship and he said something and I reacted in a way he didn't like. I reacted negatively.

He then got angry and started having a go saying 'what have I said to you today that was negative?'
I said something like 'so I can only say something negative if you have then?'
And then it's all a blur.
We were yelling over each other (kids weren't here) and he was saying how unreasonable it was for me to say what I said, and I was saying that I have to be able to say how I feel even if it's not good and then I just lost it.

I punched myself in the head, and on my body and just screamed. I screamed and screamed and screamed. I tried to leave the room and went to he kitchen but I was still screaming. It was like an out of body experience. I couldn't stop myself.

When I did and I calmed down I just got on with getting ready to go get dd from nursery. He then said 'do you see that your crazy and hysterical? Do you see that it's obscene to say I need help when that is how you behave?'

I told him to move out. I told him that I have nothing left for him to take. I left to get dd.

He is still here and he is just sat watching a film.

I don't know what I expect. I've been such an idiot. For fucks sake

[Twinklestein]

You could try your local Domestic Violence One Stop Shop - they're very good.

[YetAnotherNC]

Is there a local organisation like womens aid or linked to them in your area? I went to a more local version of WA, can't remember their name, but the lady who I met as an outreach worker gave me advice as to who would be a good and understanding solicitor. Try searching for a local woman's refuge or similar and see whether they can advise you? My outreach worker even offered to come to my appointments at the solicitor with me if I wanted moral support.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Have you spoken to the council about how you get him out? To be fair, they probably won't advise much other than initiate divorce proceedings but it's worth asking what people do in your circumstances. Alternatively you could apply for an occupation order right now.

[donajimena]

Debts certainly aren't the end of the world especially as there are no assets. It may not seem like the ideal time to get debt advice given the enormity of the situation but if you take professional advice on the debts you can have peace of mind on this side of things. E.g have interest frozen and repayments based on solely what YOU can afford not what your creditors would like.
Getting this side of things sorted would give you more clarity.

[pocketsaviour]

OP I know it is tough. And I know you know you're doing the right thing, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Do you have anyone in RL to support you? Mum, sister, BFF? It sounds like you could really use a good cry on someone's shoulder, bless you.

I'm interested that your solicitor stated that the debts in your name would not be shared. Debts (and assets) are usually counted as joint debts in the event of divorce. You might want to seek a second or third opinion on that. Preferably with a solicitor who will give a free half-hour of advice.

[BoringlyRestrictive]

Pressed post too soon!

His time keeping is shit. He is the type who thinks 'leave at 9' means 'get ready at 8.55'

I found the lawyer on Google. Women's aid said they don't get involved in recommendations at all.
Haven't been to CAB at all.

I need to get myself in check. I need a moment. I need a break.

I need to be able to cry relentlessly and get this demon out.

I need to move on. And even though I know this. I fucking know this. I feel unable to actually push the button.

[BoringlyRestrictive]

How fucking sad though.
I mean isn't it?
It's just fucking pathetic.

One minute I'm angry, the next I'm sad.

I'm going to miss him. I know I will. And yet I don't want him here.
The kids will be devastated. And like a previous poster says, he will probably lose interest. He will become depressed about it.
His time keeping

[Twinklestein]

He's not going to pay those debts whether he pays costs or not. And he will be difficult about the children either way. He will go for as much contact as possible at first to get at you and then he will lose interest. So these issues are not a reason not to go forward.

[NameChange30]

I meant to say, there is nothing to stop you getting a second or even third opinion before deciding which solicitor to go with.

[NettleTea]

dont pussy foot around hoping it will keep things nice, because 99 times out of 100 the husband doesnt give a shiny hoot and makes it unpleasant unless the wife just rolls over and gives him everything he wants.
Get it done and get it done quick.
Ive been in a similar 'no win' argument with my ex and ended up taking a knife to my arm in the frustration of his round and round refuse to communicate/not lie conversation
Its not healthy and you need to get out. He wont go for 50:50 either.

[NameChange30]

Hmmm. How did you find your solicitor, was it a recommendation? Do they have experience of working for clients who have abusive partners?

It sounds to me like there has been financial abuse (running up debts in your name) and you need specialist advice on that. Talk to Women's Aid and/or CAB. They should both have lists of local solicitors with experience of abusive relationships (plus my local CAB lists the solicitors' prices as well as their specialisms).

You could also call the Rights of Women free legal helpline.

[BoringlyRestrictive]

Yes, solicitor said it is in the region of £900-1100, plus the cost of filing, £410.
If h refuses to sign or disputes anything hen he is automatically ordered to pay the costs. Or I can request that he be made to pay costs. Based on the fact that I have 2 pre school children and don't work it is highly likely the court would order him to pay the costs.

BUT.... I have a further 18 odd years of child contact with the guy so is it wise to start off on the wrong foot by forcing him to pay the costs? There are significant debts in my name, majority of which are his fault, that I am uncertain if he would continue to pay towards. I am almost completely certain that if I request he pay the costs he will not pay towards those debts.
I don't want to go into it but the solicitor advised the court will not order him to pay them as they are 'mine'.

I'm sort of trying to find the middle ground between what is likely, fair and reasonable.
Which is probably stupid as he wont be reasonable at all

[NameChange30]

Have you actually asked the solicitor how much it will all cost?

You could also talk to CAB about other options; whether you're eligible for legal aid (probably not but worth asking), whether there could be a cheaper solicitor or another way of doing it. But I think spending money on a solicitor will be money bloody well spent.

Oh, and I completely agree with RunRabbit:
"It's more unfair to make them live in an unhappy household watching their dad abuse their mum and watching her start to lose her mind."

[BoringlyRestrictive]

DS is barely 16 months old and extremely attached to me. I'm fairly certain he thinks he is a monkey and can cling onto me and be carried around all the time!!

I have just spoken to my solicitor, he seems like a nice chap. Guess it's his job to seem that way! Seems concerned.
His advice is to just crack on, let him file the papers.
I haven't 100% instructed him yet as I'm just terrified of the costs.

[QuiteLikely5]

If there are no assets apart from a car I don't see the need for heavy lawyer involvement.

Contact your Housing Officer today and explain the situation. He is not in the tenancy and therefore you can ask him to leave. When he is out, you then do not open the door when he returns. If he makes a fuss you call the police who will advise him to go away.

Make sure you have his bags packed.

This way is unpleasant I know but you are not dealing with a reasonable person here.

Your daughter, who you are trying to protect is being damaged every single day you stay with this emotional abuser. She is witnessing it. Absorbing it. That will affect her. And your other child who you haven't mentioned much.

[Joysmum]

Surely because it is a council flat in your name only you can make him leave whenever you want?

They are married so that's not true as its the matrimonial home.

[Offred]

She is 3 she wants cake for breakfast every day, she is not capable of choosing one parent over the other.

Where he goes is his problem. He doesn't get to stay in your house. Give him a set period to get out.

[AnyFucker]

The fact is, that you might be able to but he cannot

Accept it, love. Trying to make a silk purse out of a sows ear is not possible.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

It's more unfair to make them live in an unhappy household watching their dad abuse their mum and watching her start to lose her mind.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Surely because it is a council flat in your name only you can make him leave whenever you want? Why not ask the council or Shelter how to force him out? Are you too scared to do that?

Once he is out of your day to day life you can build the strength to get on with deciding how to divorce him.

[BoringlyRestrictive]

AnyFucker your post saying that she won't be living with either parent full time is a big part of why I have tried so hard.
I am distraught at the thought of these kids being shuttled back and forth between homes.

It is so unfair on them that we as adults can't grow the fuck up and just be good to each other

[LordOfMisrule]

Youre not an idiot. You're a wise, wise lady.

[BoringlyRestrictive]

Thing is, I'm not sure I can actually afford a lawyer. I've got some nominal savings.
But £1500 (which I know isn't much really) would pretty much wipe me out.

How hard is it to get a divorce?

We have no property. It's a council flat in my name only.
We have 2 cars, both in my name.
We have 2 children. Which I have no intention of withholding contact to. That isn't to their benefit so I'm happy for them to see him.
We have nominal savings.

Lawyer advised that I would pretty much get to keep everything.
Said the court would assign me the better car (the one h wants me to sell)
And allow me to keep 'my' savings and him to keep his.
Said if he causes any complication with the proceedings then he will have to pay costs but I don't think he will. I think he will sign the papers just like that. So if I get lumped with costs of a lawyer then it would more or less bankrupt me

[AnyFucker]

She is 3yo

She would "choose" to live with Peppa Pig if she could, love

[Throwingshade]

Let your lawyer guide you through all of this. Stop listening to your h, listen to your lawyer. Forget the screaming episode, you were stressed out of your mind, you reacted badly but that doesn't matter now. It's of no consequence in the scheme of things. Just keep your eyes on the prize, and take steps forward.