Why people cheat.

[Marryoneorbecomeone]

I love a bit of TED and tripped over this last night. My ex cheated on me, and I found the perspective in this quite interesting.

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved

[donajimena]

ordinary why don't you end the marriage?
Genuine question not a flippant response btw

[ordinaryman]

@Marryoneorbecomeone "...you can betray your marriage by being neglectful, or contemptuous, or prioritising something else, but society says that sexual betrayal is FAR worse. She says it isn't, not necessarily."

This is something I've thought about a great deal. I am a man in a loveless marriage (because my wife is no longer interested in intimacy or sex with me) and have not cheated. Yet if I did, I would be judged far more harshly for my unfaithfulness than she is for hers. So far, the only person to break her marriage vows is my wife.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Because they're bored and crave risk.
Because their partner doesn't make them feel desired.

[ButtonMoon88]

Should say I told my partner at the time what had happened and we separated, we knew the long distance relationship just wouldn't work for us

[ButtonMoon88]

I cheated whilst in a meaningful relationship, I was young (20), not married, no children, but cared about the person I was with. And then they left to study elsewhere and I cheated. The person I slept with was there and could offer me something my partner couldn't because he had left. It was a difficult time and there were many other issues in the relationship but I did it because very simply I was looking to find something that didn't exist in my current relationship. Whether this is true of all cases I don't know.

I have since grown up and have been happily married for 10 years and have a beautiful 1yr old. My marriage is strong and were are very honest with one another, it's not something I will do again.

[Elendon]

Marry

"only if the affair is discovered. And it seems that most aren't."

I agree. I knew someone, long before children but deeply in love with exh at the time, who seemingly had the perfect relationship. They were just a loving and happy couple. But he and I were talking one night (drunk talk in the pub), and he confessed he had affairs because although he loved his wife dearly, they weren't having sexual relations. I told him he would have no luck with me and he seemed most disappointed - the cheek of it!

Also after exh and I separated I was feeling the need for the love of a man, horny (!), so went on an affair site. I was staggered at the number of men registered on there, close to my area (almost 6,000 out of a population of 30,000 men roughly). My libido disappeared pdq, and I got the hell out of there, it just reeked of desperation. One man put himself down as a deeply committed Christian, who was very sad not to be having sex anymore. I still get the shivers thinking about it.

[viridus]

There are always excuses or reasons for cheating valid or not, but it is easier to get blood out of a stone than for a cheater to actually say they have cheated.
Usually because they don't want to set you free, they want to keep using you.
However the truth will set you free.

[Saggingninja]

Moopy despite my hideous situation I can agree with you. I know a couple who met by having an affair, then they both separated from their spouses and are now married with four children between them.

According to the script, either one is supposed to repeat the pattern because 'once a cheater always a cheater'. But this couple have been together for years and are always laughing together, sharing jokes etc. As much as you can tell they seem happy. But it doesn't fit the perceived narrative of 'when you marry the mistress you create a vacancy' so we tend to concentrate on the relationships where history DOES repeat itself and ignore ANY evidence that sometimes it doesn't.

In my own case I hope my heartbreak doesn't destroy the faith I have in love.

[Marryoneorbecomeone]

elendon
"It's the aftermath that's the killer. Some do learn that the consequences of their actions cause pain, others are callous and enjoy the maelstrom they have created, especially those who have fallen deep into romantic involvement."

Yes I agree BUT only if the affair is discovered. And it seems that most aren't.

[ravenmum]

People don't cheat because they want a new partner or are totally fed up with the old one. They cheat because the affair partner represents something else.
My ex spent hours writing emails to his mistress about how he was totally fed up with me and wanted to be with her and have children with her. He spent months acting that way, too. I agree that she represented something different and new (and forbidden and exciting), but that doesn't necessarily mean that is the ONLY reason for the cheating.

[cupcakesandwine]

You always have the choice not to cheat. It does not really matter whether the relationship with the cheater works out in the long term or not, or whether the cheating is short or long term. It is still a conscious, self-indulgent choice to cheat.

If you want out of your relationship then take responsibility and say so before you move on to someone else.

[Elendon]

People cheat in different ways. One night stands, having two on the go at the same time, romantic involvement (intense excitement that is almost drug like).

It's the aftermath that's the killer. Some do learn that the consequences of their actions cause pain, others are callous and enjoy the maelstrom they have created, especially those who have fallen deep into romantic involvement.

[Lovehandles]

defective moral compass... what even is that? how does anyone know the reasons why every single person cheats because they are all different. MNers are so very very judgemental

[Lovehandles]

People cheat because they are unhappy

[Marryoneorbecomeone]

Cupcakesandwine I don't think the rankings of one blogger count as "discrediting" Esther Perel. She makes uncomfortable points. People who have affairs DO feel more alive. That's why they do it. It doesn't necessarily make them de facto utter damned bastards.

[mudandmayhem01]

I cheated on my last boyfriend,in my defence I was very young, I fell I love with my male best friend got drunk, got off with him.i did finish my old boyfriend the next day, but I still cheated( I have now been with the best friend for over 20 years) Yes I behaved badly but I have never even considered cheating since, I like to think I have a strong moral compass and generally try and do the right thing. Not everyone who has cheated is an utter shit ( hopefully!) ready for a flaming though

[cupcakesandwine]

Sorry autocorrect! Esther Parel!

[moopymoodle]

Sometimes people cheat because they are dick heads and their partner did zero wrong, they just had no self control.

Sometimes they do it as the relationship lacks something they desire or need. Spark, admiration, romance, respect.

It's not always black and white.

[cupcakesandwine]

TBH I thought Esther panel was pretty discredited now. I'm with Chumplady on this one www.chumplady.com/2014/11/esther-perel-can-stfu/.

The simple answer is that only people with a defective moral compass cheat.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

That's not to excuse the cheats, but I feel like it makes sense of the disparity between what they have and what they choose to do.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Having read "The Chimp Paradox" I believe that people cheat because the part of their brain that wants sex and excitement is not the same part that wants a loving stable home.

The two just don't link up and the rational 'human' side of the brain can't compete with the 'chimp's strong desires and 'needs', so people who have an otherwise happy life just don't have the mental capacity in that moment to step away from temptation. The chimp is selfish and immature and will justify it's actions to try and make sense of them.

We all have a chimp and I think we are all capable of cheating, but most of us allow our sensible rational human to intervene and prevent it from happening, whereas the cheats allow the chimp to take control and block out the voice of reason. When you wonder how they could possibly throw away their home and family life, hurt their partner and children, it's because the part of them that values those things is not the same as the part that cheats.

[Saggingninja]

Marry I found it very interesting and despite my fog of ragey pain, understand what she is saying - that the 'other' represents something. In my partner's case I expect it was a combination of the sheer forbidden(ness?) of shagging his partner's close friend/power trip, plus his own fears of getting old and less 'potent'. He is older than me and has a significant birthday coming up.

He said that he cheated in his previous marriage because his wife was 'coldly indifferent and unaffectionate to him' and 'permanently in a bad mood'. Maybe she was. But maybe she was in a bad mood because he was busy fucking other women throughout his marriage. Oh and she didn't have sex with him either.

I had sex with him a lot and the spunktrumpet still cheated on me.

Probably better not to watch this on the very day I find out my DP has betrayed me with a friend.

[SoupDragon]

It is perhaps not unnatural to want to cheat for whatever reason. However, to actually do it, one must be a selfish, self-centred wanker.

[viridus]

The cheater has plenty of opportunity to first finish with their partner before starting the new relationship. These affairs happen over some time.
So there is ample time to sort out what they want, and who they want.
With cheaters they seem to want their fingers in all the pies, and another thing they do is compartmentalise.
What I find shocking is how they ignore the damage they cause.

[Lurkedforever1]

mary I agree with you, but my thoughts stand for whatever form/ reasons/ outcome the cheating is. It's just weak not to face up to it and tell the other person. And my view isn't because I'm bitter, I've never been cheated on, nor have I picked up the pieces of a close friend being cheated on. It's just my opinion that abuse/ mh aside, not being honest in a relationship is spineless.