Is it a red flag or should I be grateful to be told the truth?

[penguinplease]

Met a guy online, met him for a drink twice and he's nice. Split from his long term relationship about a year ago and has 2 dc who he obviously adores.
He was telling me his ex is nice and they very much parent together as much as they can which sounds great but made me wonder why they split.
So I asked him and his honest response was he was awful to her, treated her very badly and very much regrets it.

I guess I'm glad he was honest but what if anything do I do with that info? Should it put me off or is his past relationship none of my concern?

[Goingtobeawesome]

Do you really like him? If he started any nonsense would you be strong enough to walk away? Don't think oh, I'm the one to change him into a decent partner but if you feel you can trust him but will leave if he doesn't treat you right I'd be inclined to see how it goes.

[Goingtobeawesome]

You are very naive, qs.

[Duckdeamon]

Whether or not he's now changed, aren't you loathe to pursue a relationship with a man who behaved like that to his wife for 10 years or more?!

And what do you mean he's "obviously" devoted to his DC etc? It's easy to gush about DC and their importance to you. You can't judge how he is as a parent from what he tells you.

[penguinplease]

I do like him, we've talked a lot both prior to meeting and since.
my worry is that it's maybe too soon for me. I had an ex who was pretty EA and I've had lots of counselling since him but worryingly I have been drawn to someone exactly like him.

I think it's saying more about me to be honest. I have form for picking shocking men and this appears to be no exception!

[penguinplease]

Thanks for the advice , another one I walk away from I think!

[Duckdeamon]

Your radar has picked up the likely red flags though, so that's progress!

[penguinplease]

That's true but I'm really shocked to almost be with the same type of man it took me years to be brave enough to leave!
Advice here has helped immensely.
Thank you all.

[SoThatHappened]

By the same token would you also be worried that a guy said on a first date that marriage wasnt for him and that he slagged off a family member for going into a second marriage (whats the point he said) and that he has cheated in a major relationship and didnt seem too remorseful, in fact he justified it.....

[penguinplease]

Yes I think that would scare the shit out of me!
I don't think I can do online dating for a while, my radar is still way off!

[throwingpebbles]

Really qs ? Really?!!

I stayed far long than I should not because I was addicted to drama but because I had lost all sense of what was normal. It is so hard to explain what emotional abuse does to you

[hownottofuckup]

I think qs is either goady or ignorant.
Or both.

[LikeADivil]

Sounds like he still holds a candle for her.....

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Hmmm, I was keeping an open mind, but your latest updates have convinced me.

OP, even if he was capable of being a different person from his last relationship, and you're capable of forming a healthy relationship with a non-abuser, I really don't see you two bring good together. What he needs for his next relationship (not that we care, but for illustrative purposes) is somebody who will take no shit whatsoever, and what you need is somebody so thoroughly decent you can experience "healthy" until it becomes the norm in your head and heart.

Together, I fear you're both going to just slip back into abusive patterns.

[Munchkins1316]

I've known some awful men.

This is a generalisation based on personal experience but they would never NEVER admit they were in the wrong. Ever.

The two real abusive arseholes I've known were the personification of Prince Charming for the first few months. Their ex's were these evil awful women who had driven these poor excellent Dads and lovely people away.

I'd be inclined to give your guy a chance, but keep it casual for quite a while just in case.

When I was a teenager I treated a boy badly. I certainly learnt from the experience, maybe he has too?

[MiniTheMinx]

Sometimes good people are accused of doing bad things, so much so they internalize that narrative of themselves. Sometimes they repeat that narrative to other people. Sometimes it takes someone else to point out that it is incorrect.

Sometimes good people do actually do bad things. They realise that and try to put it right, sometimes they only realise too late. They regret what they have done and resolve never to do it again.

Sometimes bad people admit to being bad people in the hope that they can see if you are going to be their willing dupe.

Sometimes people change.

I prefer honesty and no it wouldn't put me off.

[BertPuttocks]

So he behaved badly for 12 years, despite being begged to stop.

He only cared when there were consequences for him.

In the 12 months since he split, he's been "on lots of dates".

So he's actually spent little or no time as a completely single man, assessing where he went wrong for those 12 years and how he needed to change to be ready for future relationships?

Walk away.

[BarneySparkles]

I think walking away is definitely the right choice! My experience with these things is by telling you, he's getting his version in first. That way, when you hear how awful he really was, usually much worse than the version he told you, he can minimise it and say they are exaggerating what he's already told you.

[FelicityFixIt]

A wise decision OP.

What leaps out to me is the fact he's telling you all this intimate detail and you've only met a couple of times. Telling you personal stuff when you should be talking about favourite films and restaurants is worrying. And all this ' on it was all my fault' shit. Oh shut up you absolute bellend ... I'd understand off hand behaviour at the end of a relationship but for ten years of it?

Just dodge this loser.

[HandyWoman]

penguin I recently had a similar situation, very dashing and charming man from OLD, met up with him, he told me very honestly that his marriage breaking down was a mutual thing but that his wife would say he had 'not been a support' to her.

At that point my clit shrivelled and I stayed as long as was necessary to be polite but then walked a away from him.

In the way home I had a stern word with myself about considering getting involved with someone who was a carbon copy of my EA ex. Was a chilling experience which I've since discussed with my therapist.

The guy you describe in the OP says exactly what my ex has said about me (people have reported it back, in the hope that it indicates some sort of insight or remorse from him for my benefit). My friends think it shows he regrets how he behaved.

The truth is if he respected me at all he either would

1. have tried to gain insight
   
2. been sorry
   
3. not done it in the first place.
   
   All this drivel he came out with about behaving terribly to me was more window dressing for his ego after being thrown out of the family home by me, practically overnight ending tortuous 14yrs of marriage
   
   And indicates nothing about any capacity to change.
   
   If a man cannot be a support to the mother of his children you just walk away. In fact run........

[Whendoigetadayoff]

Could be my ex. I mean it's not as he's not dating but if a woman asked him why we split up I think he would say that kind of thing. He says he regret so much not communicating and not saying how he felt and letting work get to him. However I would say we both ignored problems we had and had no idea having kids would be so bloody hard especially one with SN. We coparent better than we ever parented together and I wish he'd go date someone as he's a lovely guy who deserves happiness. Just not for me.
Give it a few more dates and see if he's learnt from past. First hint of not being a good guy though - leg it.

[Offred]

Walking away is the right choice I think.

Taking a risk on a man with self confessed EA behaviour in his past history would be silly given your past.

I agree 1 year including 'lots of dates' does not smack of him having done a lot of work on himself either.

Also telling you all this so early on is worrying oversharing. I'd be worried this was just the tip of the iceberg in relation to his abuse of his previous partner, an attempt to fool you into intimacy and/or into thinking he has changed because he is being honest followed by 'well you knew what I was like' disclosure when you've been together a while.