Urgh...a PIL one (sorry)

[YokoUhOh]

DH and I plus DS (3) have just spent 2 days at in-laws'. MIL has form for histrionics when she feels slighted, FIL enables this and turns it on us. He also makes us feel unwelcome.

DS was eating toast at breakfast when MIL took it off him and started dipping it for him - he shouted 'NO!' and got upset. I got him to thank MIL for lovely breakfast and took him next door to defuse the situation. Cue hysterical wailing from MIL about how we should have told DS not to speak to Grandma like that, and FIL roaring at DH about how she's got 12 months to live (irrelevant and not factual - she's refusing to take meds after radiotherapy).

My position is this: DS is allowed to say no if someone invades his space and upsets him. DH agrees. PIL think he's feral, clearly (he was fantastic the whole visit, no tantrums, super behaviour).

Where do we go from here? I know they're toxic, co-dependant etc. but DH wants to see his mum and is crushed by their behaviour. me, not so much, I've seen it before and I'll see it again (unless we go NC).

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It does not matter that DH is the only child. His parents behaviour towards him and by turn his own family unit now has and continues to be awful. They were not and remain poor examples of parents to him.

He himself is mired in fear, obligation and guilt with regards to them (and perhaps hopes on some level that they will one day change and apologise).

Compromising in such circumstances is basically appeasement. With people like OPs ILs it is their way or no way as far as they are concerned. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are really no different.

[YokoUhOh]

I was a size 8-10 at my wedding, the fucking cheeky mare...

[MoominPie22]

If someone had called me ¨fat¨ in my wedding pics or snatched my baby away while breast feeding ( WTF for?? ) I wouldn´t want to go near them with a bloody barge pole either!

I hardly think that´s ¨drastic¨ considering how they´ve seen fit to treat the OP. Respect is a 2 way street and I wouldn´t give a fuck if it was my OH´s parents or not!

Personally speaking, if it were me, I´d be sending ( or telling in person if it´s practical ) a detailed run down of all the nasty, inappropriate things they´ve done/said and sum it all up with ¨and this is exactly why I´ve decided to not spend any more time in your company....etc etc¨....just so there can be no misundestandings or denials ( cos husband would have been there on many occasions I expect to bear witness ) cos they/she will lie and deny things that they´ve done. When you confront people like this they ALWAYS bloody deny/lie/minimize what they´ve done! It´s boringly predictable

But if you were to send an email/letter, you´re making your stance perfectly clear, the boundaries are in place, they can be as affronted as they damn well please but it makes no odds. Your life, your kids, your time etc....

The having a meal in a restaurant idea above is a compromise, sure. BUt why should one have to compromise?? Why should anyone have to endure the stress, anxiety and general unpleasentness of being made to feel like they have to spend time with people you hate?

Isn´t life too short for taking bullshit off ignorant, nasty bastards?? I think it is!

[juneau]

Cutting them out of your life completely seems a bit drastic, particularly since your DH is their only DC. However, they do sound toxic and in your shoes I would be keeping contact to a bare minimum. I definitely wouldn't be staying in their house, if that was the way I and my DC were being treated while there.

I think I'd try to meet on neutral territory (a restaurant, for instance), which a) gets you out of eating MIL's disgusting cuisine, b) allows you to leave quickly if things get unpleasant and c) keeps meetings to the time it takes to eat your meal.

[sphinxster]

Yoko I feel for you. They sound like shits and cancer (although traumatic and sad) doesn't make them any less of a shit.

[YokoUhOh]

I've read Toxic Inlaws, it was quite an eye-opener. I'm firmly in the 'cut toxic people out' camp, especially as I don't have any time to see any of my friends (almost full-time teacher!).

[MoominPie22]

I think the overwhelming general consensus here is that ur absolutely right to wanna sever contact, or at least minimize it, to protect your kids and yourself.
At least your husband, as an adult, is able to make a choice. I would say your primary duty as a pregnant mam is to keep yourself and babies safe. Your little son doesn't have a choice does he? Poor thing being subjected to that unacceptable behaviour....
Imo if somebody does not bring positivity to your life, or is not a benign influence, then they shouldn't b in your life. Toxic, negative people don't enhance one's life therefore get rid! And support your husband to hopefully wake up and smell the coffee. Get him the Toxic Parents book, suggest counselling etc....It's all you can do but I'd b protecting my kids and having a Zero Tolerance to Toxic People approach.

[YokoUhOh]

Thanks Moomin - I sometimes wonder if I'm going mad, which is why I sought counsel here.

[MoominPie22]

They´re both fucking bullies from what you say. Stay away, is what I would do. Don´t pay attention to the above posters minimising and twisting your posts.

[YokoUhOh]

And to clarify some more, FIL screamed at DH, told him his 'life was being ruled by a 3 year old' and that his mother only had a year left (not true) so he should fall into line.

DH spent the whole journey home in tears. So forgive me if I think visiting isn't in the family's best interests.

[YokoUhOh]

Before you call me a narc, some background:

MIL called me fat in my wedding photos

She spent my entire wedding day in an awful mood, snapping at my relatives and running away from them

She has form for wailing and crying when she doesn't get her own way, this is probably the tenth time

She told me she only agreed with two 'parenting' things I'd done

She tried to grab DS off me when I was breastfeeding him

And countless other shite.

To clarify, I wasn't in a sulk

• she was - I just need to get DS away from the screaming and wailing. I was waiting next door with my heart pounding, wondering how we were going to leave without more recriminations.

[abbsismyhero]

i think its in your best interests to call a halt to this behaviour it just ramps up as it goes along for example my ex mil, i have occasional cardiac arrhythmia as part of my condition she had it when she was stressing therefore she was dying i told her to go to the doctors she refused to because she "had" to work all the time everyone is getting on our case its our fault she is ill because she is worried about one of our children (of course as the parents of the sick child we clearly couldn't give a shit) then she took a turn for the worst she had pain in her chest and rang us for advice i told her to call out of hours she didn't want to do that in case it was indigestion (she stopped taking her meds) so i said take gaviscon if it still there in thirty minutes call out of hours she didn't she went for a walk she believed she was having a heart attack and she went for a walk till two am this was clearly my fault she finally works herself up to a state where she is unfit for work and goes to the doctors who gives her a complete work up (many tests) and declared she was fine apparently she has a heart condition now

people like this are emotionally exhausting and best kept at a distance

[Thymeout]

It does rather sound as if you're calling all the shots on this, Op. It sounds as if you've browbeaten DH to agree to your plan - although he's yet to have the joy of a conversation with his parents about how they're not allowed to visit any more. (What's going to happen with the new baby?) Because it's in 'our best interests'. Whose best interests exactly?

If it were a DH behaving like this about his wife and her parents, wouldn't we be saying he was a tad 'controlling'?

[wannabestressfree]

Mmmmnn am sorry but I really Don't see the issue either. Can't you just pack your husband off with your DS to see his mum and dad if it's that much of a trauma..
For that many visits a year I think your looking for an issue where there isn't one.

[wherethewildthingis]

Wow, she's had a series of illnesses, nearly died a couple of times, then had cancer . And you're stressing about her and FIL losing their rag briefly at Christmas, which is a stressful time at the best of times.
You know what you could have done is addressed it at the time-"mil, he doesn't like that"- rather than disappearing off to another room in a passive aggressive sulk.
They may be a pain but you sound like you have zero empathy, and dare I say it, quite narcissistic.

[YokoUhOh]

She's actually had a series of illnesses and nearly died a couple of times in the past few years (unrelated) so in the scheme of things the cancer was a small scare.

[Joysmum]

Defo not minimising the cancer

Really? You then write this immediately after!

but it was a microscopic one and took a short course of radiotherapy to sort out

[YokoUhOh]

Thanks guys

Attila, I've no idea whether or not I expected an apology. I can't carry on as normal, though - they've well and truly burnt their bridges with me.

[YokoUhOh]

Defo not minimising the cancer, but it was a microscopic one and took a short course of radiotherapy to sort out. She has poor health generally, but has form for acting like a screaming harpie when she feels slighted.

I think we're sticking to the plan, which is hard for DH but in our best interests.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Did you think that you were going to get an apology?. People like his parents never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

His mother has always been difficult hasn't she; infact you mentioned in a previous post that both she and her H had come from toxic families themselves.

You do not have to show your DS the cards and I would quietly dispose of them.

Your DH will likely want to maintain a relationship with his parents due to his own FOG with them but it does not follow that you and your son have to.

[Ohfourfoxache]

Yes, cancer is horrific. There is no denying that - it's hard and sad and cruel and heartless and devastating.

But, like all illnesses, it does not give you carte Blanche to act like a cunt. I suspect that if she/they have always been like this then it may be used for their behaviour to get worse.

Just ignore the cards etc - but keep them for Ds when he is older. Even if it is a lie, it will be nice for him to look back on as an adult and feel that his grandparents love(d) him.

[MoominPie22]

Hi Yoko I like your plan you made with your OH of no more staying over and visits being on neutral territory. You are DEF not over-reacting here! They sound totally horrendous so God knows what your OH´s childhood was like being brought up by these nobheads!

He is firmly in the FOG isn´t he? Do you think that´s mainly cos of her cancer tho? The whole guilt-trip thing is prob why he will never go NC. Has he read Toxic Parents?

I agree with a prev poster, personally I would go NC for myself and son, if it were me. Let your OH do min contact, but make sure he respects your decision tho and doesn´t nag and badger you to see them when you really don´t want to.

For me, family visits should happen cos we actually want to spend time with these people, it shouldn´t be deemed as an awful chore to be endured just cos our partners are putting pressure on us to ¨show face¨. In fact, I would go so far as to say, if your OH actually loved you and treat you with consideration, he would def not pressure you or try and get you to do something you don´t want to do. So this would be a good test of the strength of your relationship. He should be prioritising you and the kids over his parents anyway!

It´ll only get worse when your baby arrives. I´d sort this before then, if your OH wants to have selective memory then let him get on with it but you, your son and new baby should not be a part of this Toxic set--up....all because your husband is lost in the FOG.

[Thymeout]

There may be a huge backstory that I'm unaware of but, tbh, I think you're minimising the effect of a cancer diagnosis on the patient and her immediate family. If mil was difficult before, she's not going to be any easier now. She and your fil are scared of what may lie ahead. This is not the time to try to restrict your dh's contact with his dps. How will he feel if the worse comes to the worst?

The Xmas incident is relatively trivial in the grand scheme of things. I take it that your fil was ranting at you two in the presence of your ds but not at DS in particular. Well, obviously he shouldn't have done it, but surely not unforgivable?

Does your DH also not want DS anywhere near them? Why do you think the cards and messages they have sent to DS are 'stupid'?

I really would try not to make an issue of this and turn it into an international incident. Yes, as pp suggests, it's reasonable to avoid putting your MIL under stress with overnight stays and to use her illness as an excuse. But making your DH tell his parents that they can't visit you? I do think that's an overreaction. Cancer is HUGE, even with good odds.

[YokoUhOh]

MIL has been sending cards to DS with stupid messages inside about her and FIL ('Grandpa and I thought you'd like this card with a cat on it'). I have a problem with this for 2 reasons:

1. No apology has been forthcoming regarding their disgusting behaviour at Christmas.
   

1. DH is carrying on as normal, and seems to have 'got over' the Christmas incident. He knows I'm still fuming and he knows that he's got an awkward conversation coming up where he has to tell them they can't visit/we can't visit them.
   

Am I being ridiculous in not being able to forget the behaviour/shouting the odds/meltdown? It's just circular and I'm (a) bored with it and (b) don't want DS anywhere near them.

[YokoUhOh]

All good suggestions - thank you - the problem is, DH deals with her (I steer clear outside of visits). He has bad boundaries and will need constant chivvying to stand his ground. We don't see them often (maybe 3 or 4 times a year) so everything you suggest is eminently feasible.