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He's romantic, kind and v keen - so am I mad or mean to want my own space too?

49 replies

BugEyedBeans · 27/12/2015 15:37

I split from STBXH 3 months ago, after months of horrible tension and years of anger, put-downs and negativity.

In the past three months, I moved down the road to a cosy cottage with just enough space for teen DS and DD; was awarded a first in my masters degree; found a new job in an interesting field, which covers the bills; and am managing practical arrangements with STBXH reasonably amicably. It feels like a massive achievement, my confidence is high, and life is good.

I also started a tentative relationship with someone I have known as a friend for a couple of years. He is kind and sensitive, slim and strong, loves music, cooking and nature, a good listener and lover, calm and steady (and unattached). Quite amazingly, he really wants to be with me...
but quite often it feels too much, like being pushed along too fast to take on his agenda - his vision of a future together. I am loving having space for me and the kids and letting all the pressure of the last few years decompress gently. I don't know what future I want, all efforts for the past year have been focused at separating from STBXH and getting here, to this point where I am right now. He always stresses he wants to go at my pace, explore things gradually although he is ready to move on from his current situation now. But if I withdraw emotionally, as I need to sometimes, it distresses him quite a lot. I don't want to lose this relationship because he is so lovely. [Also I have scars from a previous illness/ operations which compromise my physical attractiveness and mean I would not want to 'date' as such, so it could be very difficult to meet anyone else.]

I think I am doing the thing I used to in my previous relationship: to assume what the other person is feeling and thinking; and then to put (what I assume is) their feelings above mine.

In the scale of things it is a tiny problem, even a nice problem to have. But is it OK to ask to take some time (a year?) before talking of the future? how can i assert my feelings without hurting him or - well- losing him?.

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wintersocks · 27/12/2015 17:47

I can't understand the 'if he's so wonderful why is he single' comments There are plenty of wonderful single people in the world. This sort of mentality creates the desperation where people get into relationships to validate themselves imo

Anyway OP you sound fab, intelligent and sensible lady. The ideas of being grateful for a man or being unloveable because of scarring are the leftovers from an abusive marriage. Take some time out to work on your self esteem. You have tons to offer and your priority now is you and your dcs, not anyone else/anyone elses feelings, you've done that long enough.
I agree with pp - tell this man you want space and see how he reacts and go from there. For example you could say that if you're both single in 6 months you could resume dating then. If he's a decent guy and likes you he will accept it.