Sibling issues/autism/ghosts of past

[elementofsurprise]

Not sure if mental health or ASD forum more appropriate, but it's going here for views and its relation to Christmas! For thoughts and minor hand holding...



Ok... I'm certain my brother is on the ASD spectrum. Absolute classic, I'd say. Various elements of this caused problems when we were growing up.

I also suspect I am on the spectrum. However in a less obvious way. I have MH issues and have felt odd/depressed/struggled with things all my life, I suspect ASD is at the root. Anyway, when we were growing up I found his behaviours really affected me - eg. he'd hammer on my bedroom door to wake me up every morning, sounded like police, gave me a nervous reaction to sound of feet coming up stairs! Also his specialist subject ravings or rants when the world frustrated him I'd want to scream "shut up!" but also felt so protective so simultaneously despised myself for being so annoyed with him. I internalised a lot cos I find it hard to speak up or put into words, I want to just put my hands over my ears and scream. This is a good example of our issues colliding - but weirdly I think they're both ASD issues! So first query is, any thougts on that? Do people with ASD present so differently they affect each other so much?

The other thing... my brother is not normally around at Christmas so the difference in dynamic was obvious. I could tell our dad was on edge too and there was a row that was unrelated but I swear caused by the general stress. Things were very fraught when I was growing up and the volatile atmosphere clearly led to anxiety attacks and what may actually have been silent (well, hidden away crying) meltdowns for me. This has affected my life so much.

I feel so upset about it all, and so annoyed with my brother. And guilty for feeling like that. But it sort of fell into place today, how much my issues are indirectly due to his - due to his contribution to stress levels in the past. But he's basicaly fine - a lovely wife and adorable child (I never thought he'd find someone so am pleased really, is so weird though don't get how it works, he is sort of different with her though). He also has a fairly decent job. He has a specific interest that means he has made friends too.

On the other hand, I'm long term unemployed (disability benefits), single and childless. It feels like his issues affect everyone else, not him. I know that's not strictly accurate but can anyone see where I'm coming from? Whereas my hiding, silently screaming inside and self injury in my youth led to me seeking psych help, getting bad labels but no help, struggling with jobs, and having loads of lower level traumatic experiences (abusive relationships, homelessness etc.) I just feel so frustrated, because in many ways i'm very capable, I'm nice to people etc. and actually quite good at reading emotions etc... but I seem to be horribly unlucky, lonely and struggle in weird and hard to define ways.

Oh also he had lots of support/slack cut by our mum growing up, whereas I was somewhat misunderstood. And scapegoat to some extent. I also realised I've only got a normal (?) bond with one member of family, another sibling. I love being cuddled but not by family except this sibling for eg.

Sorry, bit rambly, any thoughts? I don't mean to sound nasty about my brother, I just hope some good luck comes my way and I feel overwhelmed with grief about my life. And sort of sick and guilty but can't pin down why.

NB. Yes I should seek counselling but NHS is no go (primary care say too complex, secondary services say I don't meet criteria, private counsellor stopped seeing me saying I needed more help, ie. NHS). So just thoughts or a slight hand hold with a are what I'm after!

[elementofsurprise]

Thank you Princess
I just feel so utterly devastated that I'll nvever know what it's like to be loved or wanted, and I've missed out on something so fundamental and will never get it back.

It occurred to me that the way I feel about my younger sibling/the bond there is how most people are with all their family! That must be amazing.

I don't live with them, moved out at 18.

Also literally just realised that my brothers ASD traits include being very rules based/law abiding type stuff.... so despite perhaps being more likely to appear lacking in empathy/social skills he was obedient. Whereas I, despite having better social skills, was only obedient due to fear. And their idea of "having empathy"/not "making things difficult" appears to translate as "being obedient"...

Then again, I have memories of being a small child and my brother causing problems when he was, in hindsight, having a meltdown... arghhh it feels like they've sort of re-written history...

It feels like im doing something terrible and betraying them by... thinking this stuff. I dunno, somethig to do with two differeing "realities"... feel sick.

Having tea and food now. Writing it down is helping. Thank you x

[PrincessTeacake]

No problem. In some ways I feel like I could have written this myself a few years back. My brothers don't have ASD but it always did feel like they 'succeeded' in ways I didn't.

Can I point you in the direction of the 'Raised By Narcissists' board on Reddit? I've found it very helpful, even if there's no-one in your family that has NPD you'll find that a lot of the people who write there are coming to terms with the knowledge that their families messed them up.

www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/

There's also a little thing I've noticed, men just have it easier when it comes to this kind of thing. There will always be women willing to look past their flaws for some reason, and as a woman you're naturally held to a much higher standard. Has your brother significantly changed over the years or does his wife just write off his behavior as a 'quirk' she has to put up with?

[ehrmantraut]

I don't have much to offer, but your brother sounds exactly like my stepfather. He's undiagnosed, and I am diagnosed, but among the family we're more certain about him having it than me. He's very authoritative and controlling with specialist interests he's managed to make money and friends out of. I'm still traumatised by his knock-then-immediately-enter routine and general lack of empathy. I am a lot like you, and have similarly struggled to get appropriate support. I'm not 100% sure that what I have is autism, but I feel your pain! Whatever it is called, lifelong exposure to someone with very strange behaviour patterns who is enabled by the rest of the family seems to have had a profound effect on us. I'm always here if you want to chat.

[elementofsurprise]

Has your brother significantly changed over the years or does his wife just write off his behavior as a 'quirk' she has to put up with?

A bit of both. He's changed a lot but she knows he has 'quirks'.
To be fair, he did annoy my dad growing up, and got yelled at... I'd be half annoyed that he'd set an argument off, and half protective of him. I cried when he did badly in his exams despite trying so hard. I knew it wasn't fair to hold him to the same standards, and I knew he had empathy really (he now does a lot of childcare and caring in general as DSIL is disabled). I tried to help him learn to interact with women too! But my mum looked out for him whereas I didn't have anyone to do that.

Thing is I was so obliging, able to read family members and try to diffuse situations, etc. actually I've been walked all over as an adult and find it hard to stick up for myself. No way was I "difficult" as a child/teen!

ehrmantraut I don't have much to offer ... Tsk! Very helpful reply, actually. Nice to know someone "gets it".

Thank you both for the replies.