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Relationships

Possible PD MIL - feeling alone

50 replies

pattypot · 13/12/2015 13:09

NC for this as I think she uses MN.

This is a very sensitive issue for me and I feel like it has contributed greatly to my antenatal depression so please be gentle. Sorry if this post is a bit drip feedy and very very long but need to get the details across. Could do with a bit of a hand hold

When I first got with my OH his mother seemed lovely. But people always do at first I guess. He is her youngest and only son, he has an older sister. She appeared to try hard to create a good relationship with me and making me comfortable when I moved in with OH at her house until we could afford a place of our own. I paid board and cleaned up after myself. I begun to notice her strange behaviour after a couple of months. She always seemed to have something 'wrong' with her. Pain in her body, migraines, anemia, insomnia, all the basics. Occasionally she would have a cancer scare or say the doctor was convinced she had MS or a heart disease but then never mentioned it again. She once told OH she had breast cancer and would need chemo. He was in tears but then she came back with 'oh, the doctor made a mistake I'm fine'. All these problems seemed to be perfectly timed with when she was left alone in the house, when we were busy or no one was really paying her any attention. She once called OH when we'd just sat down to eat our dinner on a night out saying she needed him to go home to walk the dogs because her foot hurt. I just put it down to attention seeking but now I think it is something more serious like a PD.

When OH and I had perfectly normal arguments she would always get involved and often called my mum behind my back to come and pick me up if I was upset (like a child). They weren't really shouty or aggressive arguments, just ones where I would usually cry or get a little upset (mostly when I was PMSing). This didn't help our situation because then we couldn't resolve our issues in person since I was pushed out of the house I paid to live in. It didn't really make sense to me why she did that until the 3rd time it happened and OH broke up with me over text. We had been together for 2 years at this point. I knew it was his mother's influence from that moment since it was just a silly argument and he hugged me before I was forced to leave. In my mind she seemed to secretly hate me and would use any excuse to get me out of her house and out of a relationship with her son.

A couple of weeks later OH rang me and was crying down the phone apologising and told me his mother had been saying horrible things about me and basically made him choose. Saying things like 'you don't love me when you're with her' and threatening to kill herself if he got back with me. This was the point I hastily borrowed a deposit for a flat off of my dad so we could have our own place. We moved in and got settled. It was bliss to finally be together alone. He cut contact with his mum and it was going well. Then 2 weeks after he got a phone call waking us both up at 6am and it was his mum screaming and crying down the phone saying her mum had died. He rushed to hers to comfort her only to be back half an hour later to reveal that his grandma wasn't dead, she'd just had a minor fall and was fine. They remained low contact after this with the occasional short phone calls. She lives with her boyfriend and is 49 so can manage without her son.

We had been trying for a baby for years and I had a fair few miscarriages, the last one being at 20 weeks. When I was in hospital after the last one OH got a call from his mum asking him to mow the lawn for her so he told her I was in hospital. She said it can't be that bad and I'll be fine by myself. He told her what had happened and said he wouldn't be leaving my side. I heard her say 'oh that doesn't matter, was for the best. There's bigger things to worry about like my lawn overgrowing!'. He hung up at that point.

I fell pregnant again after more months of trying and when I made it past the 20 week mark I started to feel a bit more relaxed so OH told his mum. She said that it's probably not his and he shouldn't get too excited, I could lose it yet. He remained low contact with her again after this until a month ago when he got a call from her saying she was going for an operation that day and would need someone to be her carer since her boyfriend works full time (OH works from home). He agreed because she's his mother I guess. So he moved back in with her that day. She only went in the morning and came back a few hours later. Apparently it was to remove something from her neck so she has to stay in bed most of the time and can't clean or make her own food. She knows that I am struggling because OH has told her that's why he couldn't visit her much.

I'm 35 weeks pregnant now and on bed rest. I struggle with SPD and have had crutches since 26 weeks. I see him for about 2 hours a day and then he goes back. I've never felt more alone and I fear I have antenatal depression. I sit here in silence sometimes, cry and wish I wasn't having my daughter. But I do want her really, it's just very difficult by myself. I sometimes go without food all day because I'm too tired to move and go days without cleaning myself because I physically can't get in and out of the bath without help (no shower unit). My parents work full time so can only come over at weekends. I have considered hiring a carer through an agency to help me because I can't manage.

I just wish he could see through her like I can and I wish I didn't have to do things alone now.

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winewolfhowls · 16/12/2015 19:32

Checking in to say hello op, hope you are ok