would someone being 'separated' put you off?

[ToddlerTantrums]

Just read on another thread someone saying that if a new potential partner was 'separated' and not divorced it would put them off. I'm separated and it had never occurred to me that it would be an issue for a new partner? I'm not looking for a relationship right now so not an immediate issue just wondering?

[Offred]

The whole estate going to my xh/me is one of the reasons I am not divorced. We have joint children, it's a sensible thing to do IMO we are still on each other's bank accounts for the same reason.


As for temp separation guy, well people lie all the time. You met a liar. Separated people are not all liars. Countless people have found out they were dating someone married and been lied to all along too - are all married people liars too?

[category12]

Alaughaminute, if a separated person dies and there's no will, then the person's stuff goes to their spouse.

That's why one of my first actions when we split was to write a will so he doesn't get shit, and the kids get it all. Also took out life insurance for while the kids are minors which I never could do while we were together.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

Ages ago I dated a guy who was separated. He definitely wasn't living with his wife as I knew the bloke he was house sharing with.

A colleague of mine knew his wife and told her and she went crazy. Found out my phone number and rang and gave me hell. Turns out he was telling her that it was a temp seperation while they "worked on their relationship". I only met him after he'd moved out so no way was I responsible for that but in her eyes I was the other woman.

So yes, it would put me off now.

[Offred]

Well yeah separation has ended our romantic relationship. We are still parents to our children no matter what. Divorce would end our legal financial responsibilities to each other somewhat though not completely.

[Mabelface]

Separation has ended my marriage. Divorce just does it officially.

[Offred]

Morris is entirely correct if a relationship is over it is over, if it isn't it isn't. All the money/kids stuff happens marriage/separation/divorce or not:

[Offred]

Even getting a divorce doesn't magically sort all the financial relationships instigated by a marriage.

[Offred]

A marriage is, in reality, a legally recognised financial agreement.

The relationship you have with a spouse is a separate thing.

[Offred]

But it's a totally arbitrary difference in reality though.

[ALaughAMinute]

The difference between separation and divorce is one puts an end to your marriage and the other does not.

I wouldn't date someone who was separated because I'd feel like I was having an affair.

[OpiesOldLady]

I am separated, as is my fella. I was separated when we met and although living with his wife and her girlfriend, my fella moved out soon afterwards.

I am not divorced yet, despite having started the divorce proceedings a year to the day of being married. The bastard won't sign the divorce papers. I in no way want to remain married to him, but until those papers are signed, I have to.

My fella is separated from his wife, who is now with another woman. Neither can afford a divorce so they agreed to wait until they can. That's fine by me. He doesn't want to be with her and she certainly doesn't want to be with him.

We both know it's not an ideal situation, but it is what it is, and we cope with it.

[Mabelface]

I'm separated with absolutely no intention of getting back with my ex. I'm waiting for the two year mark. I do intend to date when I'm ready to, and that is likely to be before my divorce, which will be uncomplicated.

[Offred]

Exactly.

[MorrisZapp]

Millions of people with kids, nightmare exes, emotional entanglement 's etc weren't married to begin with. For these people, we use easy to understand terms like' split up', 'not together any more' and 'single'.

Only on MN is marriage held as some kind of unbreachable sacred state that means you are still together after splitting up.

Everybody knows what split up means. If you've split up, you're single.

[Offred]

i dont think that is true at all. Loads of divorcees are still emotionally and financially entangled - would you discount someone receiving spousal support for example? Loads of separated spouses are just that - separated but have many reasons why getting divorced is not possible or beneficial. You simply cannot judge. Anyone who has been married or has kids (or in some cases never been married/had kids!) is likely to have more baggage but to me separated or divorced is not a reliable indicator without other info.

[ALaughAMinute]

True, but they are less likely to be be 'sorted' because they are still (technically) married to their ex.

[Offred]

Whether someone's past is a 'potential headache' or not is not generally down to whether they are divorced or not though. It's down to the state of their relationship with their ex. Plenty of divorced or never married exes have total nightmare relationships with each other in all kinds of ways. Plenty of separated people are perfectly sorted.

[Only1scoop]

when I was OLD I never responded to contact from 'separated' statuses.

To me it just means not yet divorced and a whole bag of potential headache.

[category12]

I think you might get different responses from a bunch of men, than women.

[Offred]

From the other side of the table frankly it's none of anyone else's beeswax why I am separated but not divorced. ESPECIALLY not someone who I am casually dating. I think it's highly silly. Divorce is not easy and people can be hung up on their exes divorce or not.

[Colourmylife1]

My husband left in January to live with OW. The divorce will take some time as in Scotland you need the finances agreed before you can divorce. I did not divorce him on grounds of adultery as my lawyer advised that it complicates the process and adds to the cost although it would have been quicker.

I am keen to move on to the next stage of my life, not bitter and there is no chance of a reconciliation. I would be upset if potential partners were deterred by my status. In my head I am single.

[TheFallenMadonna]

Not xpost in fact. Just not reading 'til the end. Feel bad now!

[TheFallenMadonna]

Spots? Xpost...

[TheFallenMadonna]

Oh, spots with mintoil. Sorry for being flip about it when there are people going through it for real.

[TheFallenMadonna]

My parents got divorced over a decade after they separated. My mum was living with her "new" partner of 8 or so years. It just occurred to them that if one of them were to die, the finances would be a bit bonkers.