Friend turned foe.

[ifyouregoingthroughhell]

My partner of 12 years and I are getting divorced. I have always known he was insecure and controlling, but am only just realising he was emotionally abusing me all this time with his narcisstic traits. He has now promised to make my life hell.
However, he is not my issue, believe it or not. He is not very intelligent. Manipulative, yes very, but not that clever.
However, we became "friends" with a couple.I was always uncomfortable with them, but didn't know why. They were blatantly jealous of what they perceived to be our happy relationship and large group of friends. They drew us both in and took over our lives, interfered in our relationship and encouraged us to split.
They concentrated all their efforts on me, telling me my partner was playing games, causing crisis and generally making my life hell and holding me back. (all true). They pointed things out to me about his behaviour that I had ignored for years.
When we split they ignored me, helped him 24/7 and completely turned their back on me. I was very confused.They have teamed up with my ex and feel like a formidable force.
They are now asking to meet up, as if nothing's happened. I never want to see them again, and would actually rather meet up with my ex ! I have put them off with an excuse for now, but what can I do. Ignoring them does not feel like an option. I feel this will make them more angry and vengeful. I always feel out of my depth around them.
Any advice please ?

[ifyouregoingthroughhell]

Thanks Yoksha.
I am going to avoid and ignore as much as possible. I'm absolutely crap at lying, so not about to start now.
Just want everything sorted so I can move on.
I am feeling stronger thank you.

[Yoksha]

Hi " ifyoure". I read your post with intrest. I recently left a cult after 31yrs. Why am I telling you this? Well, some of your thought processes are similar to mine but for different reasons obviously.

At first I was scared to go out. What if I bumped into/met those I was involved with? Advice to adopt a rictur smile, be polite and walk on is ace. I'm on a forum for those who have left this cult. They always advise to not give those at the top more power over you than necessary. They're only men! Even if they're not breaking the law. Best way to deal with them is block, block, block. We're always advised not to meet up " for a chat ". Once these manipulators get into your brain, you can take ages to recover. He's obviously quite intelligent within his paranoia. Due to rising at 4 am and searching the internet. Ffs, who is he? Barack Obama.

Something that was a " lightbulb " for me was the rumour rife on the cult forum was that the cult had software that could harvest contact details of those posting/lurking. I was terrified. Totally ridiculous in reality. I have an acronym for the word fear - False Expectations (Of) Assumed Realities. When manipulative types get into our brain we amplify their power out of sensible proportions. I wouldn't give false information. Could backfire with all sorts of mind fuckery you don't need.

Hope you feel stronger today. I avoid these types as well. I now have a radar for them.

[ifyouregoingthroughhell]

It's a recovery programme. CDs and books. Looks really interesting but is £50.

[springydaffs]

Biz/business

[springydaffs]

What course? I don't read her now but she's the buzz about narcissistic injury/trauma.

[ifyouregoingthroughhell]

Thanks springy. Read quite a lot of this over the weekend. This is exactly what I need to do. Shame I can't afford the course !

[springydaffs]

Have a look at Melanie Tonia Evans

[ifyouregoingthroughhell]

I so look forward to the finite.
It is enough for now that I can move them to the back of my mind and "switch them off", even if it's for a short while.
They don't historically focus on one person/couple for long.
Doesn't take much to trigger at the moment. Hyper vigilant.
At least I'm finding time to read other threads and even comment !
They are no longer in my forehead or my nightmares.
I can at least control whether I think about them or not.
It's not out of sight, out of mind, I know what they are and can only defend when they attack.
Thank you.

[springydaffs]

I remember my mum saying, nay exclaiming, I was so obsessed I was 'like a man with a maid'. Dramatic turn of phrase my mum.

That was at the height of all the rabid fear re narc ex. So I do know what I'm saying when I say to take control of the fear. But maybe when you're in the grip of it it just has to run its course and run out of steam of its own accord.

I can't remember the moment, or the time, it lessened. Slightly different for me bcs he was my ex (now dead shame ) and I had to go on seeing him, stretching off into the distant future. Ie forever re kids. Whereas this stint with 'your' narc is finite - it's not going to be too long before he's out of your life for good.

But my mum's 'man with a maid' comment pulled me up short and it dislodged the spell a bit. Quite a bit, actually. I sort of saw myself rabidly terrified. It was a bucket of cold water. It's alright for me to say it's not as bad as you think bcs finding out about narcs is bejesus stuff, really frightening, tilts our world. It's freaky stuff - initially. But it does eventually shrink down to size ime. Probably as the memory of the narc fades and life crowds in. Sometimes something will trigger me tho and that old fear lurks.

But if it helps at all: 'For goodness sake ifyou're! You're like a man with a maid!'

did it work

[ifyouregoingthroughhell]

As an update, I have heard no more from them.
My ex has finally resurfaced from his cave via a solicitor's letter. To be honest, the information in the letter is so ill informed that I am seriously questioning their involvement in the financial side of things. They would not have been so half cocked.
I am only a few months into the break up and am fully aware that I am not thinking straight. Although the break up was on the cards for a very long time, I still went into shock. I usually make well thought out decisions that I rarely regret. However, at the moment, I can't seem to make a decision about even basic things.
I am generally rarely wrong with gut feelings, but realise, at the moment, my gut is mostly in my throat!
I know how they interfered in my relationship. This is without question, and I can still recall many incidents that will never change my perception.
However, since the split, everything is just about a feeling, and knowing their personalities. My head may well be making up the rest and filling in gaps at random. I need to stop thinking about what they might be plotting or I am going to make myself ill.
I will still be on my guard and avoid them whenever possible.
And anyone like them in the future.
Anyone any timescale for when I may feel "normal again " ?
I feel like I'm looking in on someone else's life.

[Viviennemary]

Have nothing to do with them. It's not unusual for 'friends' to take sides after the divorce. But this pair - don't trust them an inch. They sound far too involved with your relationship. Just keep making excuses. And if they don't take the hint say sorry but I'd rather not meet up if you don't mind. You're not ready yet. And never will be. It sounds as if they would make an already difficult situation a lot worse. Just seen you can't avoid meeting them. In that case just say you don't want to talk about it thank you. Don't get involved in game playing.

[springydaffs]

You may not have anything specific to report but there's no question he is a dodgy character, used to covering his tracks, and the police are dependant on people coming forward, even if there's nothing concrete to report. If everybody who comes up against him made a similar report they can build a picture. They are so dependant on evidence and a series of reports would constitute evidence of some kind. Better than nothing - bcs with nothing they can do nothing.

[mix56]

I have to admit that I would meet them to try & find out why they are meddling & also revel in being a marvel of disinformation & detachment
"forewarned is forearmed" as they say. You can always set up your phone alarm or someone to call you & give them a story about "So sorry, can't stay any longer, duty calls. Byeeeeee"

[ifyouregoingthroughhell]

Springydaffs I have nothing concrete to report. They have broken no law, that I can see, and everything can be explained away.
I plan to keep my head down, but be on alert for any "tendrils" they send out. We have mutual friends, unaware of their intentions. I can live with that. Don't feel the need to convert anyone. They will have to find out for themselves.
I just need to protect myself now.

[springydaffs]

Talk to the police? 101. Get it logged?

[ifyouregoingthroughhell]

Thanks again.
I have searched.
I am already aware, that, due to his intense paranoia, he gets up at 4am to check the internet and have anything relating to him removed. He definitely hasn't got where he is without upsetting people.
No old friends, moved around the country, several folded businesses, all with a sorry story for those involved no doubt.
Only makes friends with " those intellectually beneath him". If someone pulls onto the car park with a better car, he leaves !!!
His opinion is the only one. "End of " favourite saying !

[springydaffs]

When I say 'repercussions on your life' I don't mean... Y'know! They're not THAT powerful!

I probably should have said 'in your life'

Is there any way you can do a search on this bloke? Chances are he's done it before.

[DoreenLethal]

I know they / he will want to know what my next move is going to be regarding the divorce and at the moment I have not made up my mind.

And if they ask be vague. Not sure what the fuck it has to do with them!

[Happyminimalist]

If they ask you about the mortgage say 'I don't want to think/talk about that, tell me what you've been up to recently'

[springydaffs]

It sounds like you're in a very good place legally re no children. A divorce will be a clean break.

I really do think your biggest challenge is fear. Yes they are frightening people, and that's alarming, but they ultimately can't touch you legally. Thank God for our laws and our legal system! Any legal dealings are between you and stbxh - and even that is clear cut. They may be wolves circling but I can't see they have any legal power to touch you.

You have no need at all to meet with them or to respond to comms tho I appreciate you feel intimidated by them and fear potential repercussions on your life. Can you move? I don't say that lightly.

[ifyouregoingthroughhell]

Thanks everyone. I have considered the false info approach. I know they / he will want to know what my next move is going to be regarding the divorce and at the moment I have not made up my mind.
I am still waiting on a mortgage decision before I can proceed with an offer to buy his share. If this is not forthcoming, I will have to reassess my options.
With all the stress and upset over the last few weeks, (years actually but only just seeing STBXH was abusing me ), I am not sure my head is cleared enough to deal with their manipulative conversations.
The last thing I need at the moment is a slip of the tongue, me kicking myself and going back to beating myself up for not seeing through them over all this time.

[Hissy]

If you are contacted, but yourself time by not replying immediately, let calls go to voicemail. Plan your response (if any). Come on here and ask for help/support of you need it and we'll flood you with responses, funny and serious

Talk all this through so your response is under your control. Take ball the power by deciding what and if you reply. This alone will slow things down and get you the space and perspective you need.

[Happyminimalist]

I would do nothing to discredit myself - although I would be tempted to lie and wind them up.

[Fannycraddock79]

Messing with the messee

But seriously take back control, plan what to tell them that would just waste their time (and his). Eg "oh good job I didn't tell him I have 5 offshore accounts stuffed full of moolah, he'll never get it", cue them and him running around trying to find out where...

[RandomMess]

Fanny what an excellent idea