MIL issues

[Piglet333]

Hi All

I'm hoping for some MIL advice. I'm really not sure how to handle my MIL anymore and it's got to the point where I'm dreading the birth of my first child because I'm worried she'll spoil it. DH is her youngest child and the only one she has contact with (she had no contact with her other 2 boys) and therefore she puts a huge amount of pressure on him to be 'a good son'. If he doesn't do exactly what she wants she'll throw a tantrum and make him feel ridiculously guilty, ending in him usually doing what she wants in the end anyway. DH is 8 years older than me and his parents are in their 70s, whereas mine are in their 50s and very laid back and supportive of any decisions me and DH make, whereas his Mum is often critical of our decisions and will ALWAYS make her opinions known. In addition she makes it perfectly clear that she thinks I'm 'common' and will often correct my grammar or tell me how I should hold a knife or how to behave in certain circumstances. She has ruined many 'special' days over the last few years, such as my birthday or when we've spent Xmas with my family by making my husband feel guilty about not including her. DH then gets upset and sulks for days causing us to have blazing rows about how his Mum has yet again spoilt things. I live 120 miles from my family and on average see them once every 6-8 weeks, yet MIL will still sulk when we go to visit them. We see her at least once a week (for dinner at her house) and often we'll pop in to see her or take her out at the weekend. (Not because we want to but just to keep her happy). My dilemma is this.....with the birth of our first child approaching I feel extremely bitter that this woman will probably get to see our baby before my family and going forward will get to see the baby a lot more than my family. She has also threatened to come to the hospital whilst I'm in labour so she can wait to see the baby. This is already stressing me out and I've still got 10 weeks to go. It's also annoying me that she's telling people that this is her first grandchild...it's not...she has 2 others that she's never met, her choice!! Am I being unreasonable and hormonal??

Thanks in advance.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Also agreed to speak with her about her unreasonable behaviour and to tell her that our little family takes priority over her needs!

Can I ask if he's planning to do this with you present?

[redshoeblueshoe]

Hasn't your pregnancy made your dh want to rebuild his relationship with his brothers ?
I think he is just pacifying you.
DM comes first - ahead of his brothers- and ultimately ahead of you and your dc.
Have you considered moving nearer to your family ?
AS for the sulking I'd tell him to fuck off
Taking her out to keep her happy I'd tell him to fuck off over that as well
I hope the rest of your pregnancy is stress free

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

I feel so sorry for your two brothers-in-law - a nasty mother coupled with a silent father and weak younger brother who have chosen to put the vile woman first.

Of course, they're actually the lucky ones and better off out of it. They chose to stand up to her in order to be happy.

Why doesn't your husband do the same?!

You are in for a tough time with this woman once your baby is born. Be prepared. And hope your husband wises up and bins her.

[Whippet2]

Just wanted to give an update after all the helpful comments!

I bought and read 'Toxic Inlaws' - fascinating! I made DH read the chapter on 'Engulfers' and he agreed it was his Mother exactly!

I've seen a real change in him over last few weeks and he has become sooooooooo assertive with his Mum! [Smile]. There have been no further weekend trips out to pacify her and when she tries to guilt trip him he shoots her down immediately, turning the tables on her and telling her how unreasonable she is seems to be working. She is now trying new tactics though so we may have to reassess and change our approach!

The latest tactics include telling us how wonderful her friends' children are, lots of examples etc. Talking about how she's likely to die soon. I.e, she's still guilt tripping but in a more subtle way. However, my DP is a typical man and doesn't do hints, therefore isn't picking up on them and therefore not feeling guilty. I can see it but I'm totally ignoring it.

She still doesn't know we aren't going to call her when I'm in labour but DH can deal with her afterwards, he knows that I will not tolerate anyone upsetting me when the baby arrives and I won't let her spoil it for us. He now knows it is his responsibility to deal with her, not mine. It's all made better by the fact my parents are so reasonable, supporting and loving and my DH adores them. He can now see what a healthy relationship people can have with their parents and realises that his relationship with his Mum isn't healthy, right or productive.