Emotional affair or not? Does it matter? How to repair

[stillworkingonit]

I'm a bit confused and would value advice. In my mind DP had an emotional affair, out of a lack of insight and awareness, rather than a desire to go outside of us. There is a clear lack of judgment and lots of evidence that DP was never considering anything more than a platonic relationship. However in my mind the relationship crossed many boundaries, and was overly close, and demanded more in time than our own. Their relationship has now ended, which was pretty difficult, due to it becoming overly intense and fraught with emotional demands that were inappropriate.

My reasons for thinking this relationship was inappropriate is that DP spent more time thinking, worrying, texting and seeing this woman than me towards the end. Multiple evenings were ruined because DP was upset or worried about this woman's wellbeing, or because she had said something unpleasant. DP discussed the (poor) state of our relationship with her, acknowledged that if they'd met years ago they might have got together, and forgave her when she behaved unpleasantly. DP confided in her about personal issues, mental health and anxieties and described her as a support and best friend. DP explicitly took worries and emotions to this friend instead of me because I was overwhelmed with my own issues at the time (depression, 1 pre-school DC).

I was aware of almost all of their relationship (only not aware of the full extent of arguments and personal information towards the end when I had got too annoyed by it), and there was no hiding anything, nor any suggestion of a physical affair. I fully embraced DP having a close friend, and I confide in my friends about my relationship, this has always been okay. Although I confide in them, I've never had a relationship outside of us that was so intense (time or content-wise) but then I'm more reluctant to get close to people.

DP sees the problem as having had a friendship that went wrong, and acknowledges we have issues that we need to work on, and is clearly committed to me.

I am really angry about the effect this has all had on me. I don't feel DP can acknowledge the mistakes and the reasons we suffered this, and therefore I don't trust it won't happen again. I feel angry a lot of the time, often directed at the woman, but it also comes out on everyone else. I often feel very depressed and hopeless.

I feel we are completely at odds in how we see things over this. DP thinks I should move on, and that my reaction is more to do with my own anxieties. So I would like to know if I'm over-reacting, and if so how on earth can I get to a point where I a) trust DP with friendships and b) don't get so angry!

[Jan45]

Louisa, I'd advise you to stop giving him control of your life, there's plenty you can do, leaving him would be a good choice to make, if nothing else it will stop the torture and sorry but I'd imagine it's a full blown affair, either way, he's treating you with contempt, what's to stay for, take your child with you or get him out.

[stillworkingonit]

Louisa, that sounds awful. DP chose to end all contact and I see everything and am clear there's no more contact (on purpose, its possible to bump into people), and if I found out that there had been any contact I hadn't been told about immediately then that's a clear breach for me. For what its worth I didn't insist on the no contact, but I did say that if DP decided continuing this relationship was that important, then I was not interested in us continuing, and that DP could decide what he wanted on the basis of my decision. I was prepared for ending it if DP couldn't get that this 'friendship' was damaging any chance of us getting better.
I don't think you need proof Louisa, if you feel that this relationship is threatening you and him then your feelings need respecting, and its his responsibility to help you feel less threatened, and definitely not on to make it about you.
I think I read on the board here (I lurk) that its the way someone responds to your fears that tells you a lot - if they minimise, if they deny, if they make it about you then its a bad sign. For me, DP's first reaction wasn't that, it was to be horrified I was so upset, and to apologise for it and do absolutely anything I needed to make me feel better. Over time DP has moved on from the relationship, and I think when I saw signs of minimising and making my anger about me I remembered what the relationships threads had said and for me it was a bit of a red flag to stop in that kind of reaction making me more upset and stressed out.
It sounds like you do need him to take your feelings seriously. Especially as he wouldn't want you to have a similar friendship, that's just odd. Good luck.