Out all night

[TropicalHorse]

My husband is a part time musician, playing in pubs and clubs a couple of times a month to supplement our income. We have a 2yo DD and have been married three years. Usual stuff, he's a lovely man, a great dad, treats me well, etc...
When I first met him, he had some binge drinking issues. In part, this was because of the drinking culture in the music industry where it's common to have free beers all night for the band, or an appreciative fan will buy rounds for the band, etc. He also drank a bit on the sly - when we first lived together we shared a flat with someone who liked making cocktails and had a big stock of spirits. Over the weeks, I watched the levels in those bottles drop and I heard the alarm bells peal.
Early in our relationship I told DH that, as the child of an abusive alcoholic father, I couldn't be with someone who had alcohol problems. I made it really clear that I was worried about his drinking and he was FLABBERGASTED. He really honestly didn't recognise that he had a problem. He went to counselling and talked it through and realised that he was using alcohol to self medicate for anxiety as well as the usual boundary issues with alcohol. He went on meds (not sure exactly which one) and had a long course of CBT and also hypnotherapy. I was so proud of him and we got engaged, then married. Even at our wedding he drank a couple of glasses of champagne and nothing else.
It hasn't been completely smooth sailing since, booze-wise. There's been the odd evening out where he's had more than I am comfortable with. A friend's wedding last year where they had an open bar springs to mind - he didn't get legless but he was pretty drunk and I was pretty mad. If we ever do buy beer or wine (rare) he has a hard time not drinking it. He will drink six beers in an afternoon easily.
Last night he played a pretty big gig, fairly high profile and lots of his musician mates there too. I was home with DD, went to bed as usual and was expecting him home at 1-2am. But I woke up at 5:30am and he wasn't next to me. I jumped up and looked but his car wasn't outside. I texted him and got an immediate reply, "home in 5, really really sorry, will explain when I see you x".
He came in, sheepish and shame faced, with sick all down one leg of his trousers, with abject apologies repeating on a loop. His story is, he'd had a beer too many to drive home, decided to hang out with his mates for a while and then sleep in the car, then got peer-pressured (he's 38!!) to have a go on someone's joint, had a bad reaction to it and spewed everywhere, then staggered off and slept under a bush (!) until 5am when he woke up and started driving home, getting the text from me enroute.
Obviously, I'm furious and let down and upset. I don't know what to do now. I told him I'm considering my position and whether I want to continue the marriage. He looked shattered when I said that. I'm also a bit worried he hasn't told me the whole story. He's got form for bending the truth to put himself in a better light if he thinks he can get away with it.
What should I do?

[Smilingforth]

Lots and lots of issues and a recipe for disaster in both of your behavious. You need to seek professional help.

[horseygeorgie]

yes even I think 4 bottles on one day is a tad excessive! Bit different to 6 beers....

[achieve6]

I can't help being surprised that you mention 4 bottles of wine - which seems a hell of a lot but I suppose it depends on the time frame - when previously you mentioned 6 beers.

I'm also surprised you've only just now mentioned the drink driving.

you said at the end of your original post that he has form for lying and not telling the whole story. I'm wondering if that niggling something is influencing your posting so it's coming out in a muddle?

[TropicalHorse]

Thanks again for the ongoing insights. I'm sad that I'm coming across as controlling, I'm pretty sure I'm not!! It was my DH who decided to go completely dry for a month; he showed me an app he'd downloaded and it was definitely all his idea. I should have also made it clear that he certainly does have a history of drinking to excess, such as the time he drank four bottles of red wine while at home alone in the daytime. While I know I have my own issues to deal with, I also think I can reasonably tell the difference between a few drinks in a social setting and having an alcohol problem. The counsellor he saw was very concerned at some of his behaviours and said he was at risk of becoming an alcoholic.
The driving thing is one of the main reasons I was so mad! My drunk father used to become enraged if my mother offered to drive us all home after a family get-together, usually giving her a wallop before driving the whole family home to prove some kind of point.

[BlueBananas]

Yep OP you are massively controlling
I feel sorry for your husband, hopefully he'll stop taking your shit and find someone who treats him as an equal sooner rather than later

[ShortandSweeter]

Clearly controlling behaviour by OP- and I think she needs help for it.

[Jan45]

So bad drink driving, you live in the country too so are relying on a car for most things I'd imagine, what an absolute idiot.

He does sound like he can't control himself when drinking, he needs to address it for sure.

[BoredAdminGirl]

obviously driving home drunk is an absolute disgrace

[BoredAdminGirl]

I have to disagree with OP and a lot of the other posters.

You have made this guy believe he has a drinking problem whern it really doesn't sound like he has. You have made him stop drinking due to your own problems with your father.

He is a musician who likes a drink and party.

He is hiding things from you because you have probably made it hard for him to be honest, fearing your reaction to him having a few drinks.

We all get shit faced now and again.

You are threatening divorce on the grounds of him going on a night out.

I would do the right things and end the relationship, he will evenatually grow to resent you for stopping him having a good time

[achieve6]

he drove home drunk and stoned and you're not worried about that?

I'm not convinced he had a drink problem to start with. And I'm almost teetotal!

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

It sounds like you both have a bit of an issue which could make you incompatible.

It must be hard for you with your background, but it's not that unusual for people without drink problems to get tipsy at weddings, or to have the occasional blow out. Staying out all night is hugely disrespectful, but if it isn't part of a usual pattern of behaviour I think the appropriate response is to restate the boundaries and expect an apology.

Have you ever had counselling to deal with your issues? I'm not sure that mothering your partner is appropriate therapy.

All that said, I doubt he was sober when he drove home. That's not ok and I'm stunned that that isn't your biggest concern.

[Roussette]

Hmm... I agree with horsey on this I'm sorry but you are sounding more like his mother than his wife, you are policing him and that is not attractive. You have now forced him to have 30 days dry and it comes across as a punishment according to your rules.

I can have the odd occasion where I drink too much. So can my DH and the occasion might be different. We whinge and moan about our hangovers the next morning, we go months or even years without drinking to excess again and that's the end of it.

Surely you can't force your DH not to have a few beers with his band mates when he is playing a gig? It just sounds a bit boring. Yes, your DH was a pratt this last night but are you sure he isn't sub consciously kicking out against your enforced rules? If that'd been my DH, next morning I would have called him a twat, I would have said for gods sake grow up, I would have avoided him for a few hours and that would be the end of the matter because I just know it won't happen again like that for weeks/months or even years. Every now and again we all let off steam for whatever reason. I remember when I was nursing my DM with cancer, drink really affected meone night, my emotions were all over the place, I fell over flat on my face, I made a total arse of myself but my DH didn't berate me, he looked after me and made me cups of tea all day as I was writhing around in bed next day with the worst hangover known to man. I had made a complete show of myself but he didn't make a thing about it. The experience of being like that taught me to know my boundaries more, to be aware that when I am in emotional turmoil, drink affects me hugely and I learnt from it. Your DH is not able to work out his boundaries because you are doing it for him!

If your DH was FLABBERGASTED that you think he has problems, do you think perhaps that he doesn't and this is your issue not his?

[TropicalHorse]

Sorry, I just meant trusting me to do the right thing. It's certainly not a lack of trust in my DH with DD, certainly not!

[Balanced12]

Are you saying that DH doesn't trust you or you don't trust DH with DD there?

[TropicalHorse]

Thanks for all the perspectives, everyone. We have had a good talk and he is very sorry, sad, ashamed and embarrassed. He's committed to 30 days completely dry and then we'll talk again. I also intend to bring it up again with him in a week or so, that way I know he won't been feeling hung-over and 'physically remorseful'. This was a tip from his counsellor - you can't make big decisions the morning after because you are still being affected (negatively) by alcohol.
I don't know if the music industry is anything to do with it, really. That might be a red herring. It's more to do with his "off switch" not functioning well, particularly when drinking to excess is made 'normal' and 'easy' for him, with people literally handing him open beers all night. Culturally, socially, it's just so ingrained. For the record, although I am aware I have issues around alcohol, I do drink myself, on social occasions, and I would have no problem with my husband doing the same. My problem is that he can't stop.
The hurtful truth is that there is no way this situation could be reversed. There is no time that I would leave DD and DH at home together, trusting me, waiting for me, and just not show up because I'd been unable to say no to my so-called 'mates'.

[itsbetterthanabox]

My partner is a comedian. Another job that involves late nights in pubs.
He's teetotal. It's not the job it's the person.

[pocketsaviour]

OP made it clear to this man at the start that she could not be married to or have children with someone who drank to excess.

He knocked his drinking on the head because he wanted to be with OP. He accepted that price of admission.

He's now let his drinking spiral upwards again, presumably without discussing it with OP. He has broken the agreement that he made.

OP is he up and about ans sober? Has he said anything more? I think you need to have a serious conversation about the direction this is heading.

[daisyJ123]

I'm with Horsey on this one.
He sounds like he's generally a good guy.
It sounds like he likes a drink occasionally.
He's not doing this all the time or anything.
Hope you can sort things out.

[scarlets]

This is the second post recently about an ageing part-time musician behaving like a student. At his age, getting so drunk/stoned that he vomits over himself is a bit depressing. Most people grow out of all that at a much younger age. I have no idea whether he's an actual alcoholic (no one can diagnose that here) but it's pathetic nonetheless.

And driving whilst in that state is illegal and unacceptable, "music business" or not. If he loses his licence and can't get to his day-work it'll presumably have a massive impact on your family. As would his guilt if he injured or killed someone.

YANBU. This rockstar needs to grow up.

[DadWasHere]

..as the child of an abusive alcoholic father..

As the child of an abusive alcoholic mother I am very careful of my own drinking patterns. However I can also recognise that other men who drink far more than me, more often than me, also manage to function as responsible earners/dads/husbands/partners, etc. In that respect I police myself and am even more careful of policing others because I recognise my own sensitivity to alcoholism as an issue.

What I would look for, to be more neutral, is patterned behaviour in regards consumption of alcohol itself. By that I mean, if he downs a six pack of beer in an afternoon he may really like beer. For me a six pack of beer can stay in my fridge for a month, but a bottle of sake gets drunk pretty quick.

Would he down something else less palatable, say gin or sweet white wine, just as quickly as beer, basically for the effect of being drunk even though he hated the taste? Would he do so if alone in your house?

[Joysmum]

I don't.

The cunt chose to drink and drive, whatever else his problems are.

[LetsTessalate]

I feel a bit sorry for him.

[NickiFury]

I think it's you that's the problem OP, you're too controlling about drinking.

[BlueBananas]

OP he doesn't have an issue with alcohol, he has a drink at social occasions as millions of others do. That is totally normal
Sounds like you need help with your issues around alcohol, not him

[Smorgasboard]

Watch how he is next few days/weeks. That should give you a clue. If he's got a stinking hangover and swearing that he won't be doing that again, then lays off it a while, it could be an odd daft moment that most of us have done on occasion.

However, if he's back on form in a day or 2, and having another drink, I'd say he has a problem. The episode would put most people off it for a good while after.