Are some people just meant to be alone?

[FuckOffPeppa]

Long story short, I had a difficult childhood and some very difficult relationships in my late teens and early 20s. Either they were abusive or I ended it for one reason or another.

I have a 4yo dc and have so desperately wanted to provide stability but have actually ended up careening from one messy relationship to another. I feel very guilty about this.

I'm now in a relationship with someone and we're engaged. I've suddenly gone cold which is what I do, i have this thing where I feel as though I'm better alone , and me and dc would just be better on our own, me as an independent single mother. I need a lot of space and feel stifled and confined in relationships. I thought this one was different but then I always do.

Am I just meant to be alone or can/should I be in a relationship? I'm so confused, I just don't know what to do or what to think

I am so torn. If I ended things I would be ruining dp's life (I mean of course not really but it would seem like that). But everything I imagine about my future is just me and dd.

I just feel so torn. If I ended things I would be ruining dp's life ( I mean not really of course but it would feel that way). But everything I imagine in my future is just me and dd.

Sorry posted twice

Don't do anything rash. Sit talk through what is frightening you with a counsellor
My sister won't and will eternally go from relationship to relationship with her emotions randomly turning off and her ending it. All as a result of her childhood
I have processed the suitcase under my bed and HONESTLY feel so liberated by it. If I chose to be with someone friend or partner I now know it is strumpers of today making that choice. Not a little demon sitting in a box

Strumpers you're so right.

Yes, I'm not going to do anything rash. I will need to speak to Dp later and then hopefully will be able to find a counsellor this week.

Does your sister have any awareness of the pattern, strumpers?

Whatever your issues are, they're not going to be untangled or addressed in a month, you admit to acting in haste and this could be the repent at leisure bit. I really don't think you should marry in these circumstances, you feel the way you do for a reason and ignoring them won't make them go away.

How long have you and your bf been a couple? It sounds like you've rushed into this a little, hoping that this time your underlying feelings wouldn't kick in.

Accommodating another adult into your life is a big deal, especially when you already have an established dynamic with a child. I am a single parent and people are always telling me how hard I must have it and yes, it has its moments but the flip side of having sole responsibility of DD, is freedom. Me and DD are a team but I am the boss, I have the veto and the buck stops with me and as much as I like the idea of a partner, the reality would be a series of compromises that would leave me feeling compromised.

Take the time to figure out what you really want, not what you think you should want.

We've been together a year. Oh god, the idea of telling everyone that we'd cancelled/postponed the wedding. The disappointment. I obviously can't make any decisions based on eat other people will think but the thought of how angry and upset everyone would be makes me feel sick

I don't think anyone is "meant" to be in any particular state, its not an inherent personality trait. I do think some people are naturally more comfortable in a pair than others and some people value independence very highly and need there to be someone very special on the scene in order to give that up. I also think there are stages of your life when you need different things. The sort of closeness and potential for vulnerability that comes with a serious relationship could at one point seem stifling would at another seem very comforting.

There's a huge amount of social pressure to be in a relationship more or less all the time and a lot of people actually don't have the self-knowledge to realise that it may not be in their best interests.

It's hard to know based on what you've said whether this relationship has potential or not but it does sound as if you need to do some more work on yourself first before you're in a position to decide what you really want. I certainly think a wedding now doesn't sound very sensible. How would your partner react if you were really honest and just said what you've said on here?

We'll see tonight, I'm going to try to have a talk after dd is in bed

I'm very much like this.

Because I don't need to be with anyone I find as soon as there is the slightest bit of clinginess, hassle etc I walk. My friend and my Aunt say I always have one foot out of the door.

I have dated over the last ten years. Even had a four year relationship, but as soon as it was looking like going to the next level, ie moving in together, I found an excuse to end it.

I haven't got children either. As far as I can see there is no plus side to them. I would be tied to them and their father (even if we split up) and I just don't want that commitment (not a child bashing post - honestly! I love my nephews).

Most of the time I'm happy like this. I think I let other people influence me occasionally. Some people can't understand I like being alone...

It's not the norm, so people see it as something that needs to be "fixed".

We've had a good talk. I'm feeling much calmer now, less like I want to leg it and go and live in a cave or something!

So are you going to see counsellor or are you going to let your chat and the fear of disappointing people silence your gut?

Whats, I'm so glad you're feeling better I have parental abandonment issues also

Yes I'm still going to see the therapist, I did say I wouldn't make any decisions based on other people's disappointment.

Hahaha, it comes straight from the heart :D

I wasnt totally on my own for the 5 years - I did date a bit and not long after my divorce I had one longer relationship which I ended because I wasn't ready, and rather than in the past thinking I had done major issue, I recognized that a) the guy was going faster than I felt comfortable with and he was so headstrong personality-wise I felt we weren't that compatible anyway and b) I knew I had to prove to myself I could do it on my own (being a lone parent) and be happy on my own ( which I have been ).

It was after that I decided to do the real work sorting myself out, and the various romantic interludes that happened have only helped with the learning process, I think.

Unfortunately a few months ago, after finally feeling ready and thinking I'd found someone lovely, I've just been on the receiving end of exactly the same - he's bolted and won't even speak to me

He never knew his Dad, who left when he was a small baby and was also recently separated so quite clearly I should have seen this coming a mile off!

Another lesson for me learned

I'm so pleased you're talking to you DP Peppa. If only mine would talk I could explain about how I know how it feels and we might be able to work something out. It was never going to be a rushed affair as it was an LDR with DC on both sides. In fact recently I'd said "let's relax and enjoy it but I do need consistency & commitment to what we are doing now" (he was doing the hot/cold thing).

But somehow it seemed one minute he needed it to be 100 mile an hour steam train (plans for the future, where we could live, what we'd do re work, who would cook and who would wash up once we moved in together, etc) and the next he'd be gone off to some unreachable place either physically or metaphorically.

I hope your DP understands. I think if you want it to work you've got to do your bit by seeing it as he probably does, which is "this relationship is for ever unless something really problematic crops up" rather than "this is ok for now but I know it's going to end at some point" - which makes you then think "crap it might as well be now" when you feel under too much pressure, and start to feel the need to run.

Believing the "this is forever unless..." statement means you can take your time, you really can. You've got the rest of your lives Just need to work with your dp on finding a pace that suits you both, and be committed to it, for his sake.

If you really can't believe the "this is for ever unless..." statement now, it would be kinder all round to bail, I think.

I'm sorry your guy has bolted, Diagonally. I hope you at least get some closure from him.

I've always felt this way too. Currently trying to decide if I can cope with my current relationship.

I have already decided that I do not believe I will ever want to live with someone ever again. I see current BF at the weekend, we don't often talk outside arranging coming over.

I spent 35 days in the USA where we only emailed postcard type things a couple of times and spoke on the phone once and I was so much happier. I feel gloomed now I'm back.

However in my case I know it is because I have difficulty with boundaries and because I had a shit childhood and I want to 'be a good girl' so in relationships I feel I have to be perfect and that includes finding it very difficult to talk about my feelings (though I do), picking unsuitable partners who are dysfunctional in some way (subconsciously) and feeling trapped and suffocated because I feel I have to meet all the needs they think I should meet...

It is very tiring but I have no money for therapy and the NHS is absolutely shit on mental health where I am.

I'm sorry you're struggling, Offred

The problem I have is that not only do I have commitment issues, I am also a serial monogomist (friend said that phrase to me the other day and it really resonated).
So if I ended this relationship and vowed to be alone for ever more, odds are I'd be in a new relationship in a few months anyway