Need help...I just don't know what to do :(

[YouBastardSockBalls]

I really don't know what to do.

I have a Facebook friend who I 'met' on another forum a few years ago. Facebook friend (FBF) was going through a fairly tough time, lost a lot of money, homelessness, sofa surfing, injured etc. FBF had no living family and sounded quite depressed.
The forum had a collection (without her knowledge) and sent her abut of money to keep her going. I didn't contribute but did send a small Christmas gift in an attempt to cheer her up. I really did feel for her.

I don't post on that forum anymore (and neither does she iirc) but do have her as a friend on fb.
Her luck has gone from bad to worse and she sounds severely depressed and lonely. She often talks of suicide and I'm really struggling to cope with it. I know that must make me sound selfish but I can't help it.

She has periods of being extremely upbeat, such as a recent crowd funding effort for her career goals, but it didn't reach the target and she just seems to have spiralled downwards.

She has terminally ill pets and says often that she they die, she will go next.

It's like watching a tragedy play out and I find it so distressing as there seems to be nothing I can do to help.
I think of her all the time and dread checking Facebook in case she has posted about it again.

She writes eloquently and her pain is palpable. I wish wish wish that I could help her but how???

It's getting to the stage where I just want to click 'unfriend' so I can stop worrying about her all the time, but I'm aware of how awful this sounds.

What can I do?

[HolgerDanske]

I think sadly there isn't anything that can really be done for people who are suffering so badly

Agonising over others' pain doesn't help fix it for them

I really think it's important not to take on others' pain when it starts to impact on one's own mental and emotional well being.

[YouBastardSockBalls]

Do you think I should get this thread pulled? I don't want to make things worse.

[YouBastardSockBalls]

I think about her plight almost every day and find it so hard to see someone so ill.
I'm just dreading every update. But I don't want her to stop as I know how much support can be gained from posting about difficult things.

It's like watching a train speeding to crash and being able to do nothing.

[YouBastardSockBalls]

Oh goodness me yes. It can only be her.

If you're reading this......HOW can I help you?

[pocketsaviour]

The thread PPs refer to was deleted because the OP was asking for practical advice on how to end her life. Such posts are always deleted from MN and the poster is pointed towards relevant help.

The OP in that case had two elderly cats, and had sold her flat in order to pay for expensive treatments (chemo I think) for them. She had previously lived in a another country but had been in the UK for a while. She had wanted to train as a vet but said she ran out of money to complete the course. She did not have any children nor any blood family and seemed to be living in a local authority flat and existing on DLA.

Does this sound familiar, YouBastard?

[elizalovelacey]

Defo read post on mn very recently,detailing all that you,ve said in your post op. Sick cats, not enough funds to retrain etc, suicidal thoughts etc. Dont know what happened to thread though.

[chrome100]

I have an acquaintance I know from a singing group. I haven't seen her for a few years, but we are friends on Facebook.

She started messaging me out of the blue - long streams of consciousness about how unhappy she was. I was sympathetic and tried to offer solutions to the things she said were upsetting her, but she never really acknowledged my replies and just kept messaging me about her woes.

In the end I stopped replying. I felt awful, but I didn't see her any more and felt very helpless. Also (and I do feel ashamed about this) but I felt annoyed that she doesn't work and lives at her parents' house whilst I am struggling for with my job and making ends meet.

Ultimately, she she is suffering from depression/mental illness and there's no real solution to either of those.

[HPsauciness]

I think moving yourself mentally away from this situation would be better. For whatever reason, this person needs professional help and it does seem that sharing all their most intimate thoughts about their situation isn't really helping them, and it is making you feel bad.

I look at it this way, you have limited energy yourself in life, and there are literally millions of people that need help and support and guidance. You can only offer what you can.

I would sit and watch and help (and do) with close friends where there's an ongoing reciprocal relationship, with family, but not in this situation.

If you feel you need to get away from it, just do so, you could post something like 'having a hard time myself at the moment and cutting down Facebook use, wishing you all the best in your situation' and then just defriend.

Otherwise the trouble is, this person's problems are now causing you distress and anxiety but to no productive end. Your upset isn't helping them at all. I would leave them to it, which sound awful, but sometimes I have spare energy to give advice on MN and sometimes I don't, even though people are in distress all the time. You have to keep yourself emotionally healthy and it's hard to do in an online world in which we find out about the (very genuine) misery of others on an almost hourly basis.

[springydaffs]

To that end, perhaps get some professional support yourself (somehow?). A therapist, however, will 'tell' you (not that they 'tell' anything but they influence) it's not your concern and will give you skills and support to back out if that's what you want to do.

[springydaffs]

But, blimey, it's a bloody hard call

[springydaffs]

Perhaps you could view it that you're accompanying someone to dignitas? I know a family who accompanied the (relatively young) mother who had decided she didn't want to face years with a painful and ultimately fatal illness. Tough call but they found a way to do it.

I only say this because if you back off now you'll struggle in the future (from what you're saying). I don't want to influence you either way but it may be a great solace to her to have someone there with her as she goes about practically dismantling her life - literally

[YouBastardSockBalls]

I don't know her address, just area.

She won't kill herself now as she's looking after her ill pets. She says that once they die, within hours, is when she'll do it. She's been talking of how her life is over, nothing but suffering left, and talking of the practical plans like ending her lease etc.

She's clearly depressed (with some reason) but I'm not sure if her doctors know the extent.

I'm dreading checking fb and finding that last status. I just feel so helpless.

[CalleighDoodle]

Do you know her address? If someone threatens to kill themselves, phone an ambulance. For one reason or another, they need help.

[YouBastardSockBalls]

Anyone?

[YouBastardSockBalls]

Thanks springy

[YouBastardSockBalls]

I'm sure she's not lying.
I wish that she was

She doesn't have children little.

joysmum and weasel, can you remember anymore details from the other thread? Why was it pulled?

I was pretty sure she wasn't a mumsnetter. But if she's reading this....I just really care about her situation, and think about it all the time. I wish I could help.

I don't know what to as I can't just sit by and watch somebody kill themselves because of depression, but I don't see what I can do.
De friending her would just be cowardly though. And I'd always wonder what happened and if I could have done something.

It's just all so sad.

I thought about messaging her to say that I just can't be a spectator to it all anymore but I don't want to make her feel worse

[littletwinkletoesx]

She no longer posts there either

[littletwinkletoesx]

I fell for a lady who posted on a very big well known forum, and so did a lot of other members on there.
There was a collection for her which at that point i decided to opt out of as i had doubts. No one else did at that point and i did feel a bit shit as everyone else seemed so convinced
Small amounts were sent to her and other bits and bats she needed for her kids before the big collection started.
It really opened my eyes to the lies people tell online.

[goddessofsmallthings]

It seems to me it's relevant in that it may some of the load off the OP if she has reason to believe her FB friend is also receiving support from concerned mumsnetters.

[Joysmum]

Relevant or not, I thought that too.

[springydaffs]

How is that relevant fuckweasel?

[springydaffs]

It's the trouble with being a kind and caring sort, but we have to recognise when we're out of our depth xx

[springydaffs]

The best thing you can do for her is stand alongside her - not above as a helper. The severity of her difficulties naturally brings isolation in its wake - just tip up even if your hands are empty: it's not what is in your hands that matters to her, is a bod at her side. I expect she knows full well there isn't a solution anyone can provide. She may even feel insulted if anyone tries.

But it's not 'just' is it re 'just' tip up. If you can't take it (and not many people can, to be fair) you need to protect yourself by limiting how often you access the info. You are not expected to save her, it may help you to know that. I doubt very much if she is expecting you to 'save' her so you can scotch that requirement off the list, which may lighten the load? I'm not being snarky when I say that - you are not expected to DO anything

Some people just do suffer terribly - often through no fault of their own. It sounds like she is in need of professional input ie people who are trained to support her effectively while keeping their boundaries secure. You don't have that training (?), it is a specialised skill, so don't be hard on yourself. You could tell her you care for her very much but you are out of your depth, that this needs specialised input re agencies who have the appropriate skills. As much as you may care about someone who has eg broken their back, they need specialists to address the damage - it's no different here. If she is intelligent, as to say, she will value your honesty and hopefully seek support through the appropriate channels.

[fuckweasel]

99% sure the person you refer to posted on MN the other night. I think the post has been deleted though as I can't find it. Too many similarities to be someone else.

[YouBastardSockBalls]

There are people on fb who have met her. I really don't think she's a troll.

She just seems to have had such a hard life.