The spark has gone. I want to save my marriage!

[jellyjiggles]

Been married for 11 years. Two children, one at school and a 2 year old who still wakes up during the night. I'm a sahm not out of choice. I'm trying to find work. DH works long hours in a stressful job that he wants to move from. He's the main wage earner. Money is tight but we're ok if we're careful.

Our marriage is dying. We're both exhausted. He feels unappreciated and simply a source of cash. I feel drained, worn down and trapped at home. Our sex life is down to every 2 months if we're not exhausted which we usually are.

He loves me, finds me attract etc. I love him but I'm not sure I'm in love with him. We have date night every 6 weeks but were generally so tired we go out for an hour and come home to collapse.

We have family but my in laws have both being treated for cancer. My fil in bed.

[janetandroysdaughter]

Glad it's helpful. It helped us.

[GotABitTricky]

" janetandroysdaughter Mon 03-Aug-15 16:51:22 " - post of the year so far!

Loads of great ideas on this thread.

[jellyjiggles]

Well we seem to be doing a bit better. We had a chat last night and DH said he feels a lot happier just for talking. We're going to try and spend some time together every week or more if needed checking in with each other.

For me it's going to take a lot longer I think. I've done some great things over the last few days and aim to continue. I may even start on my wardrobe today but I'm afraid I'll throw out useful stuff.

As for our relationship that's the bit that's going to take time for me. I can't fake it. I'm not made that way but I'm hoping it'll come back.

[NeedSpeed]

Jane fantastic post! I'm going through a very similar thing like OP. We are not communicating as well as you are OP, and have resorted to counselling. It is so tough, especially with no family support. From the outside, people looking in think we are doing fine, but we are not. We sleep in different beds and are exhausted. I'm hoping it's just a phase.

[janetandroysdaughter]

Thank you Fish and Anilec.
Hope things get easier and more fun for you OP.

[Hellionandfriends]

Under house keeping section

[Hellionandfriends]

The book is life changing! There's also a Marie kondo support thread on MN. Thread 8 I think they are on

[FishCalledWonder]

Janetandroysdaughter, what a fantastic post.

^
Agreed. Brilliant.

[Welshgirl72]

I feel as though I've just read the whole piece about me and my family, thank you for this post as I think my life can change too. In fact it's a mirror image. Just ordered the book, hope you let us know how you get on! Good luck and keep in touch x

[Anilec]

Janetandroysdaughter, what a fantastic post.

[jellyjiggles]

Sone great suggestions here ladies thank you! I'll look for that book.

[janetandroysdaughter]

Hi OP,
I have a massive amount of sympathy for you. It's the toughest time when the second child is still preschool. I remember thinking it would never end. People said: 'only a couple more years of this' and I wanted to howl because two more days felt too much, let alone two more years. We had no help from family either and it was so challenging for a while.

Here's stuff that helped us through a very similar stage:

Break the weekend into four hour chunks - four each day plus 8 hours sleep (hah!) Eight chunks of time in total.
Have one chunk each as adults on your own. You each get a four hour period at soem pre-agreed point during the weekend to do whatever you want wherever you want. If you want to lie in, then have a bath, it's DH's turn to do all childminding, and that includes removing a child screaming 'I want mummy' from your earshot. If he knows he gets four hours too, then he will be OK with it. Go out shopping alone, or for coffee with mates or to the gym or snooze in the sun in the park - totally claim those four hours as your own, and be very supportive of DH doing the same. It made a massive difference to us.

Then, each day of the weekend, have four hours family time. Make a big effort for it to be calm and fun. If DD is still toddler-bonkers and lively, take this into account. Go to play farms or swimming. Do something that helps her run off energy. But practise having fun as a family. That was a bit shift for me. I stopped being desperate for the kind of fun I used to have and started focusing on fun for all four of us. You end up feeling closer to DP when you've had a good family day out. They take practise. If DC pick up on the fact that you are looking forward to spending time with them, in a relaxed mood, it helps. Don't have high expectations, just muck about together. If you're all knackered, just carry a picnic into the garden and turn the sprinkler on etc.

The other chunks of time are for routines - eating, cooking, bedtime etc and for chores - shopping, cleaning etc. Helps if each adult takes one child along for this stuff. The DC get some one-to-one time with a parent and are usually better behaved than if they're together, and you can focus on teaching them a bit how to sort laundry or fill a shopping trolley.

It's not much, but that four hours a week alone plus four hours each weekend having fun really altered how we lived.

And while you're both so knackered, cheap tricks like frequently referring to why you fell for him, or reminding each other of lovely moments throughout your marriage helps you remember this is short term, not a sign you aren't compatible. It's OK to be knackered for a while. It's OK for the highlight of your week to be a box set you watch together over a glass of wine with a child coming back down stairs every few seconds.

We managed very few dates at that time, but we did learn not to make them dinners out. Sitting over dinner, trying to vow not to talk about DC when you are stoned with exhaustion makes you feel your marriage is over. Go to a comedy club, to a stupid action movie, to a gig - something where you don't have to make any effort except being entertained. Live music and comedy gigs worked best for us as they put us in good moods.

I promise this all gets easier once DD is in nursery.

[nikki1978]

What is it you are doing at weekends when you split up to get stuff done?

I think you need to sit down with your dh and tell him how you feel and ask how he feels about your life. Decide what things you need,to change to make things better. Then put them in order of priority - I would say the most important being your relationship as if you can reconnect and focus your attention as a team a lot more will be achieved. I know it is hard when kids are young but things can get done. Try not to resent him for working as it sounds like he is doing a good job. Spend your week looking after your dc and just make sure you keep on top of the basic housework (washing etc). Then make a list of all the things you want to do and do one per weekend together (clear out bedroom, put up blinds or whatever). In a few months your house will be clear and you may he able to keep on top of the rest during the week after that. Get your shopping delivered. Make sure you spend one whole day together as a family without doing anything except having fun (maybe Sunday).

You can do it. Honestly :)

[spudlike1]

A great book The Incredible Years worth looking up

[jellyjiggles]

Zetapu great ideas. Thanks I'm going to look.

[ZetaPu]

If you're used to going out to work and interacting with people then becoming housebound is the worst thing for you.
When that became my situation, I went all out to find groups and meet friends. I used netmums meet a mum board, found all toddler groups I could attend, used meetup.com and found a book club and hiking group.
I also try and get out every day even if it's to the supermarket.
I know if I spend a couple of days indoors I start to get down.

[Hellionandfriends]

Also meet up with friends for coffees at home/picnics in park rather then boozy nights. Do you go to any toddler groups? Can you make new friends?

Lastly can you aim to strap your DC in the buggy and speed walk for an hour daily? It will help with how you feel

[Hellionandfriends]

I don't think you should make any decisions about relationships while at such a low point.

[Hellionandfriends]

Start with this life changing book about decluttering www.amazon.co.uk/The-Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-effective/dp/0091955106?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 Read the reviews.

It took me 10 hours weekly over the space of 9 months but I have totally decluttered severely. I own 1/3 of the original amount, managed to sell about 1K's worth of crap, now have everything ordered so I don't feel swallowed up by my stuff and keeping on too of stuff! I did it all myself and then helped DH who also has a tendency to bumble around

Now the house is manageable, I'm moving on to fitness and food.

Also tell me more about your DD. Because we might have ideas there too. I have a four kids and one is very sparky!

[jellyjiggles]

I'm going to make a real effort once term starts to find more groups to go to. I will need one everyday over the winter. Assuming I'm still not working.

I was working so stopped going after maternity leave. It's almost like I have to start all over again. I am lonely. Very lonely and yes I get house bound which is probably why the state of the house becomes more important. I'm surrounded by it all day everyday.

I don't have many friends. I have a few really good ones but they all work full time and hate it. I don't say much to them but they know I'm better for working. They say they'd swap with me in a heart beat. They see me as really lucky to stay at home but when we've talked they say they couldn't give up all the things working allows them to do. I also find that because I can't afford to do much and I don't drink anymore I don't get invited out much. When I do I'm so tired I want to be home by 11. I've arranged things to do with friends every 6 months or so.

My friends who have kids (most of them) are so tired they don't want to go out and they enjoy their weekends at home with their families because it's a change from work. Our husbands are totally different people so getting together as groups has never been very successful.

Yes I do have a reason for everything. This is partly because I haven't just sat back for the years I've had children and allow it to consume me. I have fought back but now I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed and I have the added problem of my marriage dying.

I've made a real effort to be more intimate with DH over the last few days. At the moment it's forced but I'm hoping it becomes more natural again if we keep going.

[xavierfondue]

Bloody hell. You are me. This is my life. In fact, i came on Relationships to post "My marriage is disintegrating." We've got to the point where we've stopped being nice to each other. it's very sad.

Reframing is very good advice. I'll take that on board.

Do you have any friends you can talk to? My problem is that we moved to a new area, I'm now a SAHM and I know no one. No one at all. Most of the good activities seem to be geared towards working women as they don't start until 7pm. DH doesn't get home from London until 8pm so that's no good. So, I'm stuck in the house, we've got out of the habit of going out with each other - in fact, DH actively doesn't want to go out in the evenings - and I know that unless we do something pretty drastic then I'm terrified that we'll separate.

DS is at school but the Mums are not friendly and DS is a very lonely little boy with a very lonely mum and a dad/DH who is in denial about the whole thing but worked off his socks at work and doing a 13 hour day every day.

The only thing I can say is to quote the Dalai Lama "Nothing is permanent" - so hopefully you can get some togetherness back xxxx

[addictedtosugar]

Sorry to hear your struggling. If you can hold on for another year, things should start to improve (6 and 4 here).

In the mean time, things that have helped us:
Date night doesn't need to involve going out. A bottle of wine, or a supermarket dinner for 2, and a film on TV.
One adult gets a lie in each weekend morning. So Sats might be you, suns DH.

If there is a big job to do, the other parent takes the kids out for a couple of hours at the weekend. Mine loved the supermarket, so I took them, and did the shopping. DH preferred going to the park. Gave the other parent a chance to do job uninterrupted.

How much holiday does DH have? Can he take some odd days to help you out, rather than being all weeks of special holidays (away).

12-18 months, and your daughter will get her preschool hours. THAT is when you can think of getting things done!

In the mean time, take it easy on yourself, and try to keep cuddles and kisses and hand holding going with DH.

[Timetoask]

Your situation sounds extremely similar to mine. Our eldest has SN, he is 10 and used to wake up about 3 times a night up until last year, now he wakes up between 4:30 and 5:00 every blooming morning. I was so desperate with tiredness I seriously thought I'd kill myself, of course, would never leave my family in such turmoil.
The difficulty as well is that when DS is awake he needs constant attention, cannot entertain himself, it really is exhausting, we have no family to help.
What has helped:
DH goes out every Sunday morning for a long bike ride, we eat lunch and then he takes the DC swimming to give me a few hours on my own
We take turns for lie-ins, so at the weekend I get up with DS, then with DH wakes up I go back to bed with ear plugs and sleep as long as I need to.
We always go out together on Saturdays as a family.
I agree with you that going out on a date is just too tiring when you know it will take you three days to recover, so we buy nibbles and a drink (not big drinkers) chocolate watch something good of Friday night and it feels like having a mini relax
I go to the gym everyday, our leisure centre has very affordable childcare, doing some exercise really clears the cobwebs
One last thing: I found that coffee was making me very irritable, I don't drink it anymore and feel much better. Too much sugar also died the same.

You DD is still little, hang in there, things will improve.

[jellyjiggles]

Were not eligible for help. If I got up earlier it would be 5 am. 6am already hurts enough.

I agree exercise does help I must do more of it. I've started the chick out of stuff. There really is loads of it. Most of it can be sold second hand.

[rumred]

Check your local children's centres. You may be eligible for free child care there