NC with DH's family but his Neice has sent DS1 a FB friend request

[FurtherSupport]

We've been NC with Dh's family, his parents and sister for years. His niece was 4 last time we saw her and DS1 a few months old. For a while I did still send her cards and birthday presents but we never got a thank you or a reciprocation, so I stopped. (Dh always thought it was a bad idea). DH stopped contact with his parents, but it was his Sis who stopped contact with us.

DN is now 18yo and from FB a very attractive and popular young woman. Not sure if that's relevant but she doesn't "need" the friends IYSWIM.

Anyway, out of the blue DH & DS1 have received friend requests from her. TBH, I'm amazed she even knows we exist. We have a very common surname, and high security settings, no pictures. They would have taken a lot of finding!

I don't do FB, so perhaps it's fear of the unknown, but I'm a bit uneasy about it. I can't think of any reason for the requests other than curiosity. Ds has all the highest security settings and knows what's Ok and not OK to post but obviously being his friend means she gets to see what's going on in his life and I don't think I'm comfortable with DH's family seeing that.

OTOH it's a shame the cousins don't know each other.

There've been no messages, just the friend request. She is a very active Facebooker, so maybe there's nothing more to it than that, but.....

[brassbrass]

yes always the wicked witch wife

does your cousin know that's how you refer to his mum?

[Imi22sleeping]

I sent my cousin a fb request although my uncle and his wicked witch wife refuse to talk to us as I see it.I and he have done nothing wrong and are cousins .

[brassbrass]

my DC know and understand why we are NC. They were starting to be affected by it so it was the perfect catalyst for us to go NC.

DC have no interest in any of them.

[catsrus]

my dc are FB friends with cousins whose parents are NC with me or my exH. It's fine - they are young people who will make their own friends and decide who they like. Just because I would be very happy never to see my ex BIL ever again (narc!) doesn't mean his dds can't be lovely. Indeed they seem to be according to my dc. The great advantage of FB is actually how easy it is to totally cut someone out of your life should you choose to do that - - or put them on a 'restricted; list so you control what they see.

[LurkingHusband]

No advice, but watching this thread closely.

Although we went (had to) NC with [my] MiL, we couldn't (and wouldn't) insist DS (16 at the time) not see them if he wanted. Our logic being any attempt to enforce him to go NC would be counter-productive.

Of course MiL was easily able to control him into being her little snitch, and it's been very hard to keep in touch with DS (now left home), as it's obvious he's still acting "under orders".

[Toooldtobearsed]

Because it is much easier to be rejected on facebook than in real life?

If ignored on FB, they can just carry on their lives with a shrug.
To ring someone, or knock on their door to talk is much, much harder and the fear of rejection must hold so many people back from trying to make amends.

FB could be the tester - see how they react. Accepted? Great, next step might be a friendly 'how are thing' followed by reconciliation?

Probably not, but I am trying to say, in a cack handed way, please don't automatically assume that people have bad or evil intentions.

[brassbrass]

but why should OP have to second guess anything? she doesn't know what their intentions are because they've made a cack handed effort through FB.

OP I think I understand your reservations. To me it would feel like an intrusion after 15 years of silence. It is unsolicited.

[Toooldtobearsed]

Perhaps your SiL has regrets. Perhaps she has always told her daughter how lovely you are.

Who knows?

Speaking personally, I know that in my cousins case, her parents had desperately wanted to bridge the divide, but said that so much time had passed, it would be wrong to get in touch (and they were afraid of being rebuffed). My aunty encouraged her daughter to get in touch with our side of the family, citing that the next generation had a better chance of being a family than they ever would now.

Err on the side of welcoming her before jumping to conclusions, you got on well with your SiL once, who knows what the future may hold?

[FurtherSupport]

Why the aggression Anon? Yes, I know all that, but I don't know that DN is acting independently of SIL or why (or how) she has decided to contact DS now. Without SIL she woudln't (I don't think) have found him.

I also know that adult Ds will make his own decisions but for now, he's my responsibility.

It seems very odd to me, to get in touch, but not get in touch. To make contact but not actually say anything. But that maybe because I'm old

[Anon4Now2015]

You do know that your DN is NOT your SIL, right? She is a whole separate adult. Whatever happened between you and SIL has absolutely nothing to do with her.

And pretty soon who your DS has contact with isn't going to be something you have any say in at all.

[Phoenix0x0]

penguin he's actually 14.

OP, you can restrict what your DN sees on his FB page and you can also 'unfriend' them after accepting then as a 'friend' IYSWIM.

Personally, this could go one of two ways. It could be the start of something the opening of the can of worms or she may have just sent him the request out of curiosity. I'm inclined to believe the latter, she's 18 and he is only 14....she'll be going out with her friends clubbing and what not, whilst he will be going about his business as a 14 year old normal boy would do.

[Toooldtobearsed]

I was contacted out of the blue a couple of years ago on FB by a cousin, her parents and mine were nc, for about 40 years!
To cut a long story short, her parents did something to my mum that was unforgivable. I grew up knowing that story, and always hated them for it.

However, my cousin is a delight. She is her own person, loves her parents very much and not in the slightest bit interested in 'the bad old days'. She did not come snooping, or wanting to report back, she simply wanted to make contact with family.

Now, tbf, I am a grown up, so it changes things a bit, but I can see no real problem with just seeing how it goes. Clean brush and all that.

[FurtherSupport]

Yes, thank you Thumb we'll see to that.

I just wish I knew why she's done it.....If she's genuine I have no desire to do anything other than be perfectly friendly towards her.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

further - seriously, he can block what she sees. He needs to set her on a restricted list and then customise his posts to exclude restricted people. It's fairly simple but needs to be done.

[brassbrass]

I have the same rule for my DS. Only accept people you know, have known (eg old primary school friends) and hang out with in real life.

Anyone else is a bit pointless.

[FurtherSupport]

I think that's why I'm uneasy with it brassbrass. I don't see a reason for it, other than spying (or curiosity, if I'm being nice) and that might be from DN, which I guess is only natural or could have been led by her mother or GPs.

OTOH, them spying on us can't really do any harm unless there was encouragement for him to do things behind our backs, which wouldn't come as a complete surprise.

I'm not worried about DN, although I (and he) don't know her, so she shouldn't really be on his friends list, if he's complying with our rules, which are that FB is only for people you know IRL.

[horseygeorgie]

I without knowing WHY you are NC with the family it is a really hard situation to call. I'm online friends with many of my family members, some of whom i have never met and have never actually talked too. Just nice to know what everyone is upto but it doesn't mean I'll go and stalk them!

[brassbrass]

You need to explore your uneasy feeling. What is the worst thing that could happen. What do you want to avoid etc

It's very odd to just send a request with no message given the history. The only thing it opens up is passive spying (privacy controls allowing) from both sides.

I don't see how this is a good thing.

[FurtherSupport]

I'm not saying they shouldn't be friends horsey and I agree with you re the feuds, which is why I tried to maintain some contact and still sent presents etc when she was a child.

However, I am uneasy about her and (probably) the rest of them having access to all the things he shares with his friends. e.g. he's away with a club next week. Not sure I want them to know that he'll be away from home and where he'll be.. This on-line friends thing isn't really them being friends, is it? Especially as there's been no attempt to actually talk to him.

[horseygeorgie]

Why would you stop him being friends with her?!

Maybe she just wants to know her family, just because you are NC with the parents and sister is not a good enough reason to prevent your children from getting to know each other. They have done nothing wrong. Maybe the new generation want to put it all behind them and I think it would be as wise too.

What ever issues you have with the other family members, they are YOUR issues. They don't belong to the children and this is how family feuds start that will go on for decades without anyone remembering the actual reason behind them.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Your DS can also set what she sees by placing her on a Restricted list. It might be an idea for him, and your DH, to do this.

There is an alternative to accepting or Rejecting a friend request - you just ignore it. I have several requests from people through groups I'm in, but whom I don't "know" - so I ignore them. I think the list is about 18 people long at the moment!

And yes, you can set who can send friend requests, who can comment etc. - it might be an idea to learn more about the security settings on FB so you can help him out with it too.

[brassbrass]

FB can cause a lot of trouble.

You've accepted the request so it's academic now unless you defriend her. However your DS will now have to guard his privacy settings and take care when he posts - not the sort of burden I'd want to occupy my DC with at that age. Presumably prior to this FB was just a space for him and his friends that he has a relationship with in everyday life.

FYI you can set your security settings so that only friends of friends can send you friend requests. So someone having no prior connection to you would be unable to send you a request as the button just would not be visible to them.

[queenoftheknight]

Yes, to add....I had total and free access to my DS's online activity at all times until he was 16. He still hadn't changed his password the last time I looked...which admittedly was several years ago! So it clearly was not an issue for him.

[FurtherSupport]

Yes, sorry. He has it set so only friends can see stuff but he wants to be available so others can friend him. That's kind of the point AFAHC

[penguinsaresmall]

Sorry OP I read that wrong then. Ok at 14 you can pull rank a lot more, which is handy!

You can set your account so you can only receive friend requests from friends of friends, rather than anybody on FB. You can also block as many people as you like so they can't search for you or see you at all.

But basically he clearly doesn't have the 'highest security settings' because that would mean nobody could view him who wasn't already a friend, or be able to friend request him.

this explains how to set privacy settings on FB...