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Relationships

How to ignore children's jibes about me versus OW

36 replies

Palepowder · 15/06/2015 18:21

Over a year ago DH left me for an older (but childless) OW. We have 4 children together (between reception age and year 7). Because I had to move to a different area all four children are in different schools as schools round here are oversubscribed. Life is complicated as a result. I am the primary carer, I've been a SAHM for 9 years. I know I will have to go back to work but haven't quite got round the logistics of school pick ups/drop offs and holidays. OW is very affluent and has a high flying career. DH (divorce has started but is going slowly) sees the kids EOW (with OW).

Currently finding it hard to deal with the jibes from my children, (particularly the elder two, the 12 year old is worse) about how they like OW more, she buys them magazines and gives them money to spend at Starbucks/New Look/cinema or wherever. ETC . How she 'has a career' and I 'do nothing all day' (this is my 12 year old speaking).

OW is kind and 'doesn't shout', she doesn't tell them off etc (I know I shout sometimes but it's hard when I'm trying to get them all to school/feed the four of them/help with homework/read with them etc etc).

I feel like I'm always the bad guy, and god don't my kids let me know it!

Deep down I probably know that they will make their minds up over time over who was their mum, and who they could really rely on, but I do find it hard sometimes. Perhaps I'm just having a bad few days.

Anyone got any sage words or advice, a voice of experience or just want to give give me a kick up the bum.

OP posts:

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ltk · 15/06/2015 19:50

I would tell the oldest to go.live with Dad if it's so amazing over there. Hope your talk goes well.

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Rebecca2014 · 15/06/2015 20:02

Very cruel. You are doing amazing with four kids alone, one day your children will realize this.

However, your 12 year old should know better and I would be packing his bags if he feels his father is so much better. He would see pretty soon that 1, his father does not want him there and 2, living with ow full time is not that great.

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Pinkballoon · 15/06/2015 20:10

Agree with previous posters. Perhaps also suggest that if OW is buying all this stuff for them, then there's no need for pocket money from you then?? 12 year olds are very materialistic - so watch them change tack then.

Also, sit down and do a spreadsheet of all the jobs you do in a day, and present it to the older one. Main idea being that they understand how hard you work. Then ask them what chunk of the jobs they will be doing in return for any pocket money.

I'd also speak to your ex about whether he has made any comments to them about you being 'at home'. Perhaps also float the costs of childcare for all 4 of them, were you to go to 'work' and how he'd need to be footing that bill (together with his rich OW). That might stop the comments.

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Gdydgkyk · 15/06/2015 20:14

The thing is that the ratios different at ex's house 1:2, rather then 1:4 at yours.

I think its sad and rather shallow that they value material items so highly.

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Skiptonlass · 15/06/2015 20:24

Ungrateful kids and ungrateful ex... Poor you.

I'd send them to their dads for three weeks of the summer holiday. You book somewhere nice with a couple of friends, and see how wonderful daddy and ow are when they have four kids under their feet half the summer.

Oh, and give them a talking to as well - twelve is old enough to not come out with stuff like that!

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mrstweefromtweesville · 15/06/2015 20:31

Get them together. Tell them firmly you won't take any more bad manners.

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newstart15 · 15/06/2015 20:43

I tend to think 12 year old can go through an awful stage and is taking advantage of the situation because you probably are feeling low.I would be firm and let her know her behaviour isn't acceptable.

By 14 she will have more good days..horrible for you to have to deal with it

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wallypops · 15/06/2015 21:01

My kids tried this but when much smaller than yours. I think its a fairly standard threat. Once I had said that if they wanted to live with their dad I would understand but I would really miss them, and they could come back whenever they wanted, that was the end of it. They didn't want to live away from me one bit. And they never ever repeated that particular threat.

I would also explain, what you working is going to mean to them. My kids are 9 & 10 and when we dont have an au pair or someone to help; they have to help cook, help with the washing, washing up, walk the dogs, lay the table, fill and empty the dish washer etc etc etc. The extra chores are shared between us all. In your case the 12 year old is going to be taking on a shed load of extra responsibility when you go back to work with regards to the smalls.

I would also squarely explain why this change in circumstance has come about. I will not ever suck up blame for my ex wanker of a bastard husband.

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AlfAlf · 15/06/2015 21:05

I used to have similar issues, although dd was younger when my ex was with the incredibly amazing ow, so at least I didn't have the unfortunate coincidence of an hormonal 12 year old at the same time.
It feels like a very primal kind of hurt, like this ow has taken ex and is now stealing your dc's heart away too. She can never replace you though, and chances are her relationship with ex won't be lasting and she will just be someone who spent a few weekends with them..

I'd take what she says with a pinch of salt tbh; 12 year olds do get very critical of their mothers, it's a stage they have to go through. Doesnt mean you have to take it lying down, but try not to take it to heart.

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Gdydgkyk · 15/06/2015 21:16

She's probably playing you off against each other or has been brain washed by ex. Or she's feeling awful and taking it out on you.

Id probably paraphrase all her comments
'I like ow and not you. she buys me stuff'
'Ok let me get this straight, she buys you things and this makes you like her and not me. Do you only like the friends who buy you things? What about the poorer friends who have nice personal qualities but can't fritter away cash'

Or 'you don't do anything'
'What do you think I do during the day?' Followed by not cooking for her/not washing for her or ironing. Or doing her hovering. Not making her pack up. Not buying her special snacks. Not helping her with homework. Let her do all her own stuff for a week including going to the shop to buy beans for evening meal.

'Youre lazy because you don't work' You do understand that ex could only work because I enabled him to by looking after you kids at home. He couldn't have done his job and looked after you kids at same time.

Also why are you wanting to hurt my feelings? Is there something you're upset about? What can we do to make our relationship better? Shall we have some quality time together in the evenings doing an activity'

I do think you should work on the shouting though. It's not necessary if you can work out statagies. Change your approach.

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CitySnicker · 15/06/2015 21:21

I have a vague recollection of reading something a while back that stated kids of divorced parents 'push' the parent they see as giving them most stability. They are testing them to see if they are going to abandon and let then down too. It's done thro insecurity. They are testing their bond with you to see if they can trust YOU at least. Ergo....they don't trust your ex or the OW.