Rare but possible when?

[Hmmmmmmmmmmmmx]

I know it's rare but it does sometimes happen that after a break up/bad treatment by one person, a couple get back together and it works out.

Eg. couple I know married 10 years, 2 kids, happy family first got together at university. He was awful to her at university - basically slept with her a couple of times and mucked her around. Behaved like an utter sh*t. They had a friendship group in common and stayed in touch. Rest is history. Happy ending.

I was wondering when is there a way back from bad treatment and a happy future? What does it depend on - forgiveness or the other person changing? What things should you be looking for if you want to give someone another chance?

Is it only when people are young and then a lot of time goes by and they mature? Or is it possible that as an adult after a lapse of time, you can move on and have a happy future?

I know in most cases the answer will be "forget it; once an ars.ehole, always and ar.sehole"; but looking for guidance as to those rare cases and examples of them.

[tindel]

In response to the OP, I know a couple who first met when they were 17. As they lived in different countries, they prevaricated about whether they could make a relationship work.

As uni students, they tried to do a long-distance relationship for a while but when he went over to see her, she'd been seeing someone behind his back, dumped him on the first day and he had to spend the rest of the time hanging around with the happy couple.

Fast forward a few years, they'd remained in sporadic contact (usually when both single) and she thinks she might be able to get a job in his home country. She turns up to stay with him for a few weeks, both interviews fall through for various reasons, but they resume their relationship. He spends a fortune treating her, she ends up with a lovely free holiday. She goes back to home country, they have another go long-distance. They split up a few months later because he was unable to take time off work to fly over to drive her 100s of miles to a family do.

Fast forward a few years again (now over 30 by this point), they spend some time together and decide to give it one proper final shot. They get married and she moves to his country. They have a baby and she's currently retraining so she can take on the equivalent job she did in her country.

As far as I can tell, both have grown up a bit and have a more realistic view of relationships. It's been a long haul to get to this point, but it does seem to have worked - they are very happy.

[Gilrack]

the daily , constant hate and poison that this place is full of (amidst the words of concern, support and help that is

This is how you describe a bunch of people who've graciously overlooked your commandeering someone's conversation and turning it around to yourself, taken the trouble to engage with you, and gently suggested alternative perspectives.

You deem yourself sole judge of what others find helpful & supportive.

You lack manners, Still.

I've wasted my time on you; hiding this thread now.

[Cassawoof]

stillicling I could have written a similar post to you. My H has left me, yes we were going through a bad patch, life wasn't fun, I was depressed and needed help ( but didn't see it). I was horrible to him and didn't see the effect I was having on my H till it was all too late and he has fallen out of love with me and gone. He however didn't read Mumsnet or actually talk to anyone else, and he didn't talk to me about how he was feeling. And it would never have crossed my mind in a million years to leave him.

But I agree, My behaviour wasn't me not caring or deliberately being unkind, and once I was forced to step back and see how I had been I was mortified. Of course I promised to change but it made no difference, but my behaviour wasn't me. I am not saying I'm a victim, but I think that people can have their own issues which they may not even recognise which makes them behave horribly, so it's not them, and in these instances people can change.

And yes, my H has his own picture of the sort of person I am which is unfair, like you maybe one day he might admit he was also responsible, but right now he won't. And sadly he will never come back to me.

[queenoftheknight]

I'm not surprised. Start your own thread! But do so with good grace and an intention to actually learn something.

[StillICling]

Bottlebeach. You seem to be using "man" as a derogatory term there? And maybe the threadstarter was a "man" it doesn't state either way.

I did ramble on a bit. Sorry. Add was then questioned (or derided) so answered those posters. The OP seems to have vanished now anywyay. Probably bored to death (by me)

Lovingfreedom .

[StillICling]

Yes. Yes I do. Even if I disagree with some of them and some are outright ludicrous . I accept that some of them are fair comment.

I just hope that one day she will be able to reason that I am not and never was the person she now thinks I am and is able to look at things from a slightly different view point.

I don't know if she spends time on here anymore but if she does, the chances of that are very slim. She doesn't mention to anyone that this place was influential to her Probably because she would be questioned on the wisdom of absorbing ones self in the daily , constant hate and poison that this place is full of (amidst the words of concern, support and help that is . Oh and campsite and good restaurant recommendations)

[BottleBeach]

Wow. OP posts an interesting question inviting other people to share their experiences and views. Reply #4: A Man comes along and makes it all about him.

[Gilrack]

Loving. Bastards, we are.

[Lovingfreedom]

'Yes I was a cunt at times'...Hmm that's where you've been going wrong. It's a shame the nasty Mumsnet lot pointed it out though...grr

[Gilrack]

Well, I've always been a nice person but I did a lot of very cuntish things while still operating to the emotional value system I got from my birth family.

I don't suppose any of this matters all that much, though, as your ex has made her choices and stated her perception of things that passed between you. As a reasonable adult you have to respect her right to her opinions, don't you?

[StillICling]

Thanks Gil

Just to clarify. I didn't behave like a cunt for 10 years. I overwhelmingly did not be a cunt for 10 years. On occasion , we both did. Show someone who has never done anything cunty , and we'll find ourselves a liar or a very very rare exception.

[StillICling]

Hi Running. I haven't put any 'vile treatment' down to depression, so not sure about the "also"

I did put an inability to relay my feelings often and well enough and being emotionally absent for long periods. If someone is genuinely ill I wouldn't say that actions or inactions are necessarily vile treament. unfortunate , yes.

[iloverunning36]

My ex also put his vile treatment of me down to depression

[Gilrack]

Perhaps you are too accepting of your faults, Cling? It seems your ex chose not to accept them any longer.

If someone behaves like a cunt for ten years, it's reasonable to suppose they do find their behaviour acceptable. Such people often feel resentful of others - particularly their poor partners - who ask them to behave less like a cunt.

It's also worth pointing out, for other readers as you won't listen, that deliberate planning isn't necessary for abuse. The majority of abusers do it because "that's just how things are". It can often be traced back to relationship patterns and/or values learned in childhood. Most abusers would describe themselves as reasonable, loving individuals. Sadly, their actual behaviours don't always match their self-image.

[StillICling]

Candida - Yes I get that.

Pocket - thanks

Running - I'm afraid I am not he. I am also not abusive , controlling , autistic , Sociopathic , narcissitc, a feeder , undeserving of being a father (or even seeing my kids, ever, some people kindly chipped in with) The stuff that my friends dismissed would contain some of the above plus a mix of every name under the sun being levelled at me, mostly by strangers.

I am fairly shy in certain social situations, but much more of late, but would put that down to depression. I have lots of good long term friends and didn't used to be like this, or to this extent . The depression also led to what would manifest in withheld love or an in ability to discuss my feelings properly. Although I did always tell her that I did love her , she claimed to not have felt loved. I have to hold my hand up for my part in that , there was other factors, but I accept the lead role my behaviour played in that. I did think that before the break up m I had made some lifestyle changes which were helping to remove the long term depression and the benefits were beginning to show. I just feel the rug was then pulled from under me before we got to see what it would've been like without that constant cloud as a factor.

I accept my faults.

[iloverunning36]

You sound soooo like my Emotionally, verbally and financially abusive ex stilllcling

I was a rubbish partner according to my ex.

I accept that for large swathes of our relationship that I probably was

What are the things you were accused of? (And innocent of according to your friends)

[pocketsaviour]

So your wife came on MN to find help, advice and reassurance.

She decided to split from you, and now you've decided to invade what should have been a safe space for her and whine about how the nasty wimmins made her leave you.

[cailindana]

Unfortunately if she doesn't feel that way then there's nothing you can do about it. If she says she doesn't want a relationship then you have to accept that. You get that don't you?

[StillICling]

You are not the first person to say this Calindana. Personally I still believe not. I still love her and my child and want us to be a family together. I feel worthless without them.

[cailindana]

If your ex is genuinely so easily manipulated by people on the internet, then aren't you better off without her Cling?

[StillICling]

Thanks Joy

[StillICling]

Thanks soozeyhoozey.

You don't know a thing about me. Or that there even was any "bad behaviour" I admitted in previous post , to cut to the chase that I accepted that at times I had "been a cunt". No one is going to have a perfect record over such a long relationship and she certainly wasn't whiter than white either. This is normal. This is real life.

I've shown people, who know me properly, the things I've been called and accused of being on here , and thankfully been assured that I am not these things. They know my faults , I won't deny that. They have their own faults too though. Nobody is perfect.

Your kind words are appreciated though.

[Joysmum]

the reason that she has been so uncharacteristically mean to me since the split, is because of the advice of strangers on the Internet, as you put it. There are several lives being damaged by it all

Ah so you didn't respect her enough to treat her right when you were together, and now you are putting her down as unable to make her own choices and know her own mind.

She wasn't mean before as she thought differently of you then. Her views changed so her attitude towards you did too.

Seems like she's made the right decision, well done her.

[SoozeyHoozey]

It's funny stillclinging, you say you accept responsibility and blame yet your posts read very much like you are the victim in all this. You blame Internet strangers and you blame for your ex for being mean and not let you be a dad. And yet what was the catalyst for all this? It was your own bad behaviour. It sounds like you had many chances to fix yourself but you didn't. You were only willing to face up to it once it was too late. I can see why your ex dumped you.

[StillICling]

Thanks CaLindana

I didn't say that exactly. I accept my faults and what I would need to eliminate, add and improve upon. But yes, I believe the reason that she now thinks there was so much more on a deeper level to it, the reason she wasn't open to relationship counselling, despite us having a child, and the reason that she has been so uncharacteristically mean to me since the split, is because of the advice of strangers on the Internet, as you put it. There are several lives being damaged by it all.