Low libido….Feeling dissatisfied/bored in bed…. Is this normal??

[Lowlibido91]

NC for this as it’s all a bit mortifying.

I have been with my DP for just over 2 years. Our relationship is great, he is my best friend and we rarely argue. I know sometimes the sex drops off a bit after a while in a relationship and this has been the case in all of my relationships…due to my lack of libido.

At first, I can’t get enough of them and then it just peters out…

DP and I DTD on average 3 x a week, depending on our schedules etc. However, even If we were to spend 7 days together continuously (on holiday for instance) we will probably still DTD about 3 or 4 x in that week. He would be happy with every day I think, but I just find sex a bit of an effort and get a bit bored?

Anyway, TBH, as bad as this sounds…I’m just never horny…It’s not that I don’t fancy him because I do, but I just find it really hard to get turned on, occasionally I will be, but most of the time it’s him trying it on and me ‘relenting’ and having sex. Often I get in the mood once we get going and then I am more inclined to want it again the next day etc, but I still find it hard work and always think what else I could be doing (I know, that sounds awful)

We had a bit of a chat the other night about our sex life, he seemed a bit exasperated and said that he is fed up of me never initiating sex. I have never initiated sex though really, with any partner. TBH, I like to be submissive in the bedroom which is where I think a lot of it lies because I think he likes the girl to take control a bit. He also said he’d like me to tell him what I like more, but I feel shy and awkward doing this and I don’t really know why.

I honestly feel like I’ve become a bit stale and boring in bed, I’ve never been as bad as I am now but I DO think my current DP has something to do with it. My ex was more selfish in bed BUT, actually, he got me more in the mood because he did a lot of dirty talk and took control/was dominant in the bedroom. My current DP is a lot better in bed in terms of technicalities and making me come…but he just isn’t passionate. It’s all very nice, loving, gentle and wish washy and it drives me up the wall a bit.

A bit of sexting etc helps to get me in the mood, but DP and I have never done this…he just doesn’t really do plain, rude dirty talk. He is loving and gentle….but do I dare say it…maybe a bit vanilla and ‘boring’ in the bedroom which, in turn I think has flicked my switch off?

I am contradicting myself though I realise as the sex in ALL my relationships has petered out after a while and my libido has decreased, whether there is dirty talk/ dominance or whatever. How normal is this though and how normal is the situation I describe above?

In a nutshell, I adore my DP, I fancy the pants off him and we have a good relationship, but for some reason, I’m just not that bothered about sex? 90% of the time when we have sex I’ll come, either through penetration or him using his hands/tounge so it’s not like he DOESN’T satisfy me…but it does seem to be the same couple of positions each time and he always likes it slow and gentle which just isn’t what I want ALL the time.

How do you communicate with your partner what you want? I think I found it slightly easier with exes as there was sexting etc going on which a) got me in the mood and b) helped me somewhat to convey what I’d like to happen in bed. I think maybe I need to try and initiate this with current DP more, although I have tried previously and it didn’t really go anywhere.

:sigh: I don’t know. Our relationship is great, we have good sex where both of us ‘get there’ if you get me, but I am starting to wonder whether we are compatible sexually, not in terms of libido but just what we like. I’m not sure whether my lack of libido/horniness is because I’m just a bit bored of our sex life or whether it’s normal to not really be bothered but get into it once you get going?

Have any of you had to educate your partners a bit in what you like or were you compatible from the start?

Please be nice, this post has been embarrassing enough to write!

[Handywoman]

I always found it difficult to voice my desires regarding sex: until I met my current bf. With him, things are totally, and completely different a billion times better than any previous relationship.

We started out being very open and honest about how we felt about sex. I shared my worries and hangups and this has led to us having a very open and sharing relationship regarding sex which includes us talking all the time about what we want and need and checking in with each other a lot. It's not cringey with him - just part of caring about each other and communicating.

As a result our sex life is very fulfilling and intimate - it's completely different because of the communication. I can't believe at the age of 42 I've only just discovered that yes, it's actually possible to communicate a lot with a partner about this side of life.

He sounds like a willing partner, I think you can fix this, OP, if you are really right for each other, by changing the way you communicate. It will feel weird at first, of course. But being vulnerable is what intimacy is about, n'est-ce pas??

[ALaughAMinute]

Maybe actions speak louder than words?

Surprise him with something different and see how he reacts!

[ClawofBumhead]

I think you just have to get all over the communication problem. One of the (weirdly) most helpful things here can be explaining to your partner that you have trouble voicing what you want.

You might be surprised how receptive and helpful someone who loves you can be on this matter :)

[PoundingTheStreets]

I think one (or more) of several things may be going on here.

Based on your posts I get the impression that you have a subconscious feeling that "nice girls don't take the lead or do x,y,z" which your more liberal rational mind can't quite overcome. That's why you like men who take the lead so much - you're 'made' to do all those things you enjoy so much without having to take responsibility for them or ask for them. It's a very common issue and lies with social conditioning and confidence - both of which you can retrain.

Second issue is that maybe 3-4x per week is too much. It's become predictable. Ban yourselves from having sex for a month. The first week you'll probably just feel relieved. The second week, nothing much of anything. By the third or fourth week if there is a genuine sexual attraction there you'll be wanting to rip his clothes off.

Sexual attraction (in relationships certainly) begin in the mind. That heady feeling you have in the first flush is partly due to not knowing your partner and not feeling you can take their interest in you for granted as much as it is about physiological reactions. A healthy long-term sex life recognises that and encourages you to spend a little time apart developing yourselves so that you always have something new to talk about and feel there is more to your partner than the predictable. When you each feel your partner is with you because they WANT to be with you - rather than because it's easy/familiar/they need you - it makes each of you value each other more and try harder to keep that interest IYSWIM.

Or it could be the case that you just aren't well matched. To work that out I'd try the sex ban for a week.

Good luck finding out.

[ClawofBumhead]

You are the one who is inadequate and wishy washy - at communication.

The issue has nothing to do with a guy you are keeping your desires a secret from.

[MrsJackAubrey]

it sounds to me like he's gagging for it - a conversation about your sex life, I mean. He's asking you what you like/want, for heaven's sake.

And if you want things abit rougher than he likes it, then you know where you stand.

[Lowlibido91]

Yes, I totally get what you mean about being grateful for what I get and so not say anything. My parents conditioned me the same. I also have just been so afraid of hurting his feelings so another reason why I haven't brought the subject up but I was feeling so fed up the other night I just had to say something but not sure I broached the subject as diplomatically as I could've! Now down the pub having a couple of glasses of wine so maybe tonight I'll try and be honest and frank, aeghhhh!

[pocketsaviour]

I think if you've been through this cycle of being horny for the first 6 months then getting fed up, you haven't yet met the person who's quite right for you sexually.

I just feel it kinda kills it a bit though if you have to say, if it’s all a bit contrived and forced because that’s not really in their sexual nature….is it going to end up just a bit cringe?

I felt like that during my twenties, after leaving an abusive relationship in which I was shamed for asking for what I wanted. (Which was nothing unusual - just "will you please go down on me" or "can we do it from behind".)

I also had some weird hangups from my childhood with always being taught that it's a horrible bad manners to ask for what you want, you should just take what you're given and pretend you're enjoying it!

As a result I spent my twenties having really shitty, unsatisfying sex.

When I met my H aged 28 he really encouraged me to break through that barrier of embarrassment and shame. He told me that it turned him on so much to hear me saying what I wanted that I started doing it to please him, and then it became natural.

He liked to be quite dominant in bed, and I'm not very submissive. But because he enjoyed it so much I was happy to play along. So, you know, people can switch. You mentioned your partner likes women to be dominant - can you offer him a sort of "deal" where you'll be dominant for him one time, then the next time he will be?

[shaska]

I do think that there's a huge pressure to be having this perfect amazing sex life and by and large most people aren't, really, they're just muddling along figuring it out as they go, with greater or lesser degrees of success.

You do need to tell him what you like. Also, without sounding harsh there's submissive and there's 'is she into it?'. You can be submissive and still an active participant, and also, if you want him to do more of what you like, you might have to do the same - if he likes you to take charge and initiate, then why not try that one night. You never know, you might find you like it!

PS 3/4 times a week sounds totally fine to me and I would hope he's not complaining about frequency. I think that's probably around average or even a bit higher.

[Lowlibido91]

I think I’ll suggest or try sexting…..it DOES help to create an air of anticipation etc which, let’s face it, is horny right? I just honestly don’t think he’d reciprocate as I have tried in the past but just got ‘yeh that’d be great ; -)’ back….hardly what I was wanting!

[Lowlibido91]

But I love him to bits and we do have a pretty GOOD sex life, it’s just not an AMAZING sex life, but lots of people don’t even have a good one, let alone amazing so maybe I am just expecting too much?

The only issue really is that I am not hungry for sex that often, so we only really have sex when he initiates it, which he stated the other night he’s getting fed up about. I am wondering whether I could have some sort of hormonal/chemical imbalance/ health issue going on or whether I just don’t feel horny because I’m a bit bored of our sex life.

I just want to WANT IT more instead of thinking ‘oh really, I could be doing X, Y and Z or X, Y & Z needs to be done, instead I have to lie here and TRY and make myself horny.’

Maybe I will try watching a bit of porn or something by myself before I see him and see if that gets me in the mood.

[LuluJakey1]

I love DH telling me what he wants me to do to him and to tell him what I want him to do to me. Sometimes it's just an idea, doesn't have to be explicit.

Last week he said 'It's ages since you woke me up in the middle of the night just for sex'. So I did last night. I didn't do it the same night, waited until he would be wondering if I'd actually taken any notice and then did it. He loved it.

He sends me great texts about what he is going to do to me or what he wants me to do to him. Except one went to his mum by mistake one day but that's another story.

Just tell him what you want.

[Zillie77]

Your partner might have hidden, kinky depths, who knows? Maybe he is just waiting for a clear invitation to unleash the beast.

Straight-laced in the streets,
Kinky between the sheets!

Or perhaps, even if he is not naturally inclined in the direction you like, he can learn to love it. And perhaps you can learn to love being on top, since he enjoys it so much?

As a nearly 50 year old with four children, I am often skeptical of the visual that my husband gets when I am on top; but he tells me he loves it, and behaves likewise, so I have learned to ignore any embarrassment I feel about droopy bits and wrinkles and just go for it.

[DrSethHazlittMD]

OK, based on your last post I'd say stop moaning about him and wishinig he was someone else. Let the poor bloke go. If it's "wish washey" then leave him so that both of you can find someone you're compatible with.

[Lowlibido91]

I know, but I do think it is because he’s quite straight laced and so I feel like if I were to say mid shag ‘TAKE ME ROUGHLY FROM BEHIND OR SOMETHING’ it might shock/ repulse him?! We were together about 8 months before he even THOUGHT of doing any other position than missionary, he’s obsessed with me on top but I hate it, I’ve never been ‘good’ at it, I hate someone gawping at me and I never get off from that position.

I don’t normally have to have a really awkward convo with partners because most men like doing it doggy and just get a bit ‘rarrrr’ whilst they’re having sex, but not him, it’s just really gentle and slow and lovey dovey, wish washey all the time and in the beginning I thought I wouldn’t have to say anything as he was probably just going easy for the first few months and things would liven/spice up a bit once we’d been together longer, now, obviously I realise that actually (apart from a couple of times when drunk) slow, gentle, missionary etc is just his ‘thang’ so have now realised a talk is needed.

I often wonder about his exes, did they find the sex a bit dull or did they tell him what they want?! Obviously I’d never dream of asking him but I do wonder.

[DrSethHazlittMD]

You can talk to strangers on here about it, but can't consider talking to the guy you've been with for two years about it without considering getting drunk.

Interestingly, you've just said you didn't have to tell your exes what you wanted because they naturally and automatically did what you wanted. No, they did what THEY wanted and it happened to coincide with what you wanted, so the subject never came up. But it's interesting because you said to start with that your libido ALWAYS drops after a while in your relationships. I don't think it's anything to do with your partners, but you. Because it's happened with the guys who dominate you and the current guy who doesn't.

[Twinklestein]

I do feel a bit sorry for him as by your own account it sounds like you're lying there like a lemon, too uptight to say what you really want, and then disappointed when you don't like what you get.

It does seem strange to me then you can have sex but not talk about it. I guess you're both going to have to get a bit drunk...

[Lowlibido91]

To be fair, I DID say to my BF the other night when he said he was frustrated it was all him making the effort etc that I just don’t think we like the same things sexually…he said what is that then and I said ‘Well it’s nice that you’re loving and gentle in bed but I get bored of that, sometimes I do want things a little rougher, for you to be a bit more dominant.’ And he started ranting on about how on earth was he meant to know that when all I do is lie there not giving him any indication of what I want, which is a justified comment I guess! I suppose though, with my exes I haven’t had to really indicate what I want because they just naturally and automatically DID what I want!

I think a proper sit down chat is in order, or, more likely a get blind drunk and have a discussion or I get blind drunk and text him what I want….

I just feel it kinda kills it a bit though if you have to say, if it’s all a bit contrived and forced because that’s not really in their sexual nature….is it going to end up just a bit cringe?

I SO wish I was more confident talking about what I like, my sex life would be much better!

[DrSethHazlittMD]

Sigh. It never ceases to amaze me that people are quite capable of having sex with each other but incapable of talking about it.

People AREN'T mindreaders. Unless you tell your partner what you like or dislike, what are they supposed to do? They will carry on doing what they THINK you like.

I think as a PP said, most men assume women only want loving, sensual "romantic" sex. If you want a bit of "rough" then tell him! You can hardly blame the poor bloke for your "lack of horniness" if you can't even talk to the bloke about what turns you on.

[DrMorbius]

I wonder how common this is. Last year I was in a pub talking to two female friends (wives of my friends really). One had the book Diary of a Submissive. We had a general discussion on being submissive (as I knew she had previously read and enjoyed Fifty shades). Out of the blue she said her DH was lovely, but too gentle and she would love for him to come home from work and just "take her" sometimes. At this point the other friend said she wished exaclty the same thing.

I have often wondered if she (or both of them) wanted me to mention quietly to their respective DH's.

[Zillie77]

more, not "mor"

[Zillie77]

It took me a while to get comfortable with explicit/nasty talk in bed. The first few times I did it I made myself blush! But once I saw the effect it had on my husband (schwing!), I got much mor comfortable with it. I am nearly 50, and he and I just started sexy-texting each other regularly last year and that has been great fun.

[MsColouring]

I have had very open discussions with my dp about my wants and desires - probably more at the earlier stages of our relationship. Weirdly, I sometimes find it harder to say what I want now because I think we have fallen into patterns of behaviour but I think I could say if I felt sex wasn't working for us.

Could you try and work with the hormones/chemicals and initiate things when you are feeling more horny (may not when you are on)

[Melonfool]

btw - I think 3-4 times a week is loads :)

[Melonfool]

I am confident discussing with him what I want but I am 47 and 'over' the idea of not getting what works for me. Cuts both ways though, not that anything I like he doesn't. And I won't do anything he likes and I'm sure he wouldn't do just anything either though I've not found anything yet he's averse to.

What do you say when he asks? Could you practice by saying something easy, or that he always does or is already doing, so it doesn't feel demanding but just gets you used to verbalising? I think also you should try to tell him that you find it hard to tell him so he knows you both need to work on that.