Feeling lonely but not wanting a relationship

[fiveacres]

I wondered if anyone could empathise. I have no real interest in having a relationship now or probably ever.

Just the same I do find myself feeling lonely and in particular wanting a strong emotional connection with someone. In other words I want sex but I don't want a ONS or similar - I want to feel loved and as if I love someone else.

A rather confused post but is anyone the same?

[alongcamespiders]

I totally get this. I want the positive trappings of a relationship without being in a relationship. I don't want stress or entanglement, I want everything at my behest and to be an effective single parent, giving my all to my kids. Such a conflict.

[FrankTurnersGuitar]

I think it'd harder to imagine a good relationship following on from a bad one. Our insight and needs change, plus we're more sure of what we don't want.

I'm a widow so have a good relation to look back on.

I have since had another relationship which was in essence very good, we just couldn't make it work with all five children.
It was painful because I did/do love him.

But once it started to impact on the kids I called it a day.
I so miss him, but logic tells me I'm right.
It is lonely, I miss being special to someone and just being hugged tight.

[mslizzy]

fiveacres I understand completely and have total respect for you prioritising your kids in that way. My neighbour recently started dating a man after a few years on her own ( she has a 5 yo and a 3yo) and she is gearing up to move in with him. She said her only concern was that the new partner "struggled" with her little boys behaviour. Even though she is happy I immediately thought "no way! that shit is too complicated". I hope the loneliness subsides for you and/ or is abated by good friendships and your children.

[oabiti]

As awful as it sounds, he is there for the times that I just need sex or a confidence boost. I am currently in a r'ship so obviously it's a no-no at the mo. But the arrangement suits us both fine.

[oabiti]

Hi, op, I understand totally. I have a 'friend' with benefits. We have sex, we hang out, he takes me for a drink etc, but there is no relatiinship. This has gone on for years & suits me fine. He has never met my children & I haven't his.

[Muddlewitch]

feeling has helped

Sorry, new phone

[Muddlewitch]

I get it too fiveacres.

I know we haven't found a magical solution for you, but I hope realising others are feel the same had helped.

I am a bit reassured by the fact that others are in the same boat, so am glad you posted.

[Iflyaway]

I get it fiveacres

[Handywoman]

fiveacres fair play to you for prioritising your dc.

I do think it's good to acknowledge that what's right for the dc is not always the same as what's right for the adults. Hence I'm sitting here at home with my dc and no plans for the weekend while my boyfriend is the other end of the uk on hols. It would have been a perfect opportunity to meet his family, but taking my girls up there wouldn't be right (particularly as I have a dd who at 12yo who I need to be particularly mindful of). Despite meeting a fabulous man, there's is no 'happily ever after' in sight over here.

[fiveacres]

I'm not overdramatising it :) I am saying it is a choice. I will be single.

I recognise other people marry, divorce or are widowed, and choose to marry again, or to have another serious relationship. I won't. There are many reasons for this - practical reasons relating to never having time to meet anyone and not having anyone to care for the children and also other reasons why I feel this would be a very bad idea. I have a baby, so even if I was to say, leave it until youngest DC was secondary school age I'd still be looking at a decade into the future.

But more to the point, I won't, because I'm not putting my children through stepdads and step siblings and the like and I won't put myself through it either.

But, it doesn't mean I don't sometimes feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness.

[blizzardcat]

If you don't mind me saying, I think you are overdramatising it a bit. 'facing up to the rest of my life as a single woman'
Kids aren't little forever, life goes on and you never know who you might meet in the coming years.

It sounds from your posts as if you would like a relationship, but fear it is impractical and would wreck the stability you have. I can empathise there. I think i can only manage part-time relationships for several years til the kids are bigger, and that suits us as a family fine. Not having a proper partner leaves me lonely and wanting more, but with the right man one day that could change.

Im trying to get the balance right (and failing, exhausted) i used to feel a bit guilty for going out with a man who is not the children's dad, but a little bit of fun for me has got to be a good thing for the kids. It is tough being a single mum without the added pressure of telling yourself you are alone forever!

You never know how things may change in the future, don't give up hope of getting what you want and need.

[mytitiferssungtheirsong]

Another one here. I think I've come to the conclusion that while dd is so young my focus is on her. I don't want to have anyone else in our lives right now even if i think a lovely step dad would be positive for her. It's partly a time and energy thing and partly being afraid of bringing another shit into our lives.
I think generally I'm content being on my own but i do miss someone to snuggle up to in the evening and share things with.

[mrbob]

Weird- I was having this conversation with my friend the other day. He has kids and is in a relationship in a woman with kids. They live apart, spend time together and apart with their respective kids, spend time with each other when the kids are at their other parent and have alone time. They do not share anything financial. And they are both happy. He was worried that they should be moving in together or something but didn't really want to. Turns out she didn't want to either and they are both entirely happy with this set up- emotional support, dates, sex but also their own lives. Maybe it is just about not defining a relationship as having to be the move in-get married- have kids- joint mortgage sort of relationship. There are other kinds that can exist and I think post kids they probably work better in a lot of ways... I am not sure how you find them other than luck though to be completely honest because you need someone in exactly the same place as you! I think if you say you don't want anything serious to many men that would translate to them having sex with you when they feel like it and being able to go off and do it with anyone else too... I feel very much like you. Would like some of the aspects- the friendship, love, sex but not sure I want to move in with anyone. Not sure I would even want to have kids with them- I would sort of be happy to have them on my own and then have a relationship and kids as two separate issues (which is possibly a very odd concept but having to jointly parent seems fraught with danger!) I don't know if it is age or being wary from experiences or practical but basically what I am trying to say is I am another one who feels similar

[fiveacres]

Oh, it isn't practical at all, I know. It's just facing up to the rest of my life as a single woman, which has some real benefits but some drawbacks too.

[flatbellyfella]

Finding someone you fancy, who wants a FWB may be hard, rather than using the first person to want the same arraignment, we probably all have an imaginary type of person we would like to have good enjoyable sex with, how would we find that person? From what I read on MN about dating sites, lots of lies & deceit abound about their profiles, I would think you would have to meet up away from your home, if that is where the trysts are to be enjoyed, just to vet the lover, & maybe run away if not your type. Another thing would be, do you want a local lover, that may be known to many, or a lover you travel to see,& vice versa.

[TtipParty]

I feel exactly the same way.

All that moving in together, joint bank accounts, putting up with each other - blah. I don't want that again. I just want someone to love, and who loves me back. Or just someone to feel close to and share intimacy with, not necessarily a long term thing. But I don't want all the relationshippy crap that came with my marriage.

[SeaCabbage]

Muddlewitch I think the joy of FWB is you can decide your own rules. You could certainly have a monogamous arrangement.

[Muddlewitch]

I think I have come to the conclusion that I need to stay alone until the DC grow up, though it does make a little sad.

[Muddlewitch]

Yes Andrise has it. The problem I would have with a FWB would be that they may well have other FWB, completely fair enough of course but I don't like the thought of being intimate with someone who does the same with someone else the next night.

[Handywoman]

fiveacres I think that's where I've come a cropper, inadvertently with my chap. Am trying to reconcile the different parts of me (friend, single mother, career woman, girlfriend) with the way I feel about him and what that means. Am finding it difficult to just enjoy! And he I think feels the same. Although I imagine if I broke from our plans and asked him to buy a house with me I think he actually would! I feel like I could REALLY mess this up for my dc!! all very confusing!

[fiveacres]

I definitely don't want to date. That sends cold chills down my spine to be honest!

I can't imagine feeling the sort of connection I would want to feel with somebody and also want to keep them separate and apart from me.

[LividofLondinium]

Regarding practicalities of meeting someone, have you considered online dating five? Only I met my BF that way and what we have sounds similar to what you want; dating, connection, sex, but nothing more. We were just really up front about what we wanted from day one, so stuff like the number of times we could see each other per week, not aiming for marriage or cohabitation, etc.

[fiveacres]

Well, there are practicalities of actually meeting this person but no - it isn't for me. My children are very young.

[Offred]

I believe it is not picking up and using someone if they actually want the same thing and everyone is being upfront and honest and everyone is happy. You just have to open the door to it and see what happens.

[Offred]

hmm... I think you really need to articulate your feelings a bit more. I don't believe in denying yourself a relationship because of some idea that it would be bad for dc. It seems mistrustful of potential partners and also perhaps of yourself to manage a relationship.

I think perhaps by the sound of it you want a little more than a FWB and less than a partner which really equals a boyfriend; someone who you are not committed to too heavily and are able to love and enjoy freely. No talk of moving in, not playing dad, no getting serious.

There is actually nowt wrong with that when you have DC. DC need to learn about all different kinds of relationships and how to be happy in them, I don't think it has to be so black and white as marriage level commitment = successful stable influence or nothing at all.