am i being made a fool of now or is there hope for us?

[dgm199419]

So i was in a stable relationship for two years with a girl i loved alot but it turned into a slope towards the end the first year arguments became frequent, so as the relationship progressed so did the fighting.

Towards the end i started to not show any love and would act like i couldnt care about anything when i really did. I added a few girls on facebook which we both had an argreement to not have any opposite sex people on our facebooks and this is where things got ugly. She added a boy at this point only one which will be relevant in a minute.

Bearing in mind we never spent anytime apart from each other for our two years together, this is when one morning we were arguing and she said she was going to her sisters at the weekend for a drink she said we needed some time apart to appreciate each other better. I felt betrayed and hurt so i ended the relationship based on anger and hurt to later regret it and then spent the next three days trying to get her back and left her numerous mails and texts explaining how much i loved her and how i was wrong which were just read and ignored apart from one where she replied we are better off just friends.

She phoned me at the end of the weekend and said she needed to talk to me in person about something and told me she kissed another man she then said she didnt want to lose me as a boyfriend or this new guy as a friend (this is the guy she added on facebook when we were still in a relationship). I gave her an ultimatium and she stopped talking to the other guy and came back with me for a few days but arguments started again and she left me again to then weeks later come back and says she missed me but while she was away she was seeing that other guy again and was intimate with him and even mentioned she had kissed a third guy along the way. We got back together but i found a mail on her facebook from the day before we got back together she was saying to her friend she liked the other guy and that the other guy was away for a few days and she missed him and just wanted to cuddle him? should i give up?

[Hurr1cane]

"In every relationship there are boundaries"

There isn't. People have certain deal breakers, for example, some people can't handle their partners having close friends of the opposite sex. I have close friends of the opposite sex so someone who couldn't handle that wouldn't be for me, and I wouldn't be right for them either.

Obviously most people want to be exclusive, but some people have open relationships, so these two people wouldn't be a good match either.

Basically, sometimes there are compromises made but there aren't 'boundaries' set. If you're trying to completely change someone or control their behaviour, they aren't right for you.

[dgm199419]

I wasn't trying to be the boss of anyone, in every relationship there are boundaries just seems like we were setting really restrictive ones for each other

[tribpot]

so i should cut all restrictions i was implying and let her do what ever it is she wants

Er. Yes. You are not the boss of her or of anyone else - you can't impose restrictions on any other adult.

[AyeAmarok]

I think you will both be 100 times better off out of this scary relationship.

[gatewalker]

As Goats has said, you're willing to question and look inside, and those are both a great start.

Best of luck.

[dgm199419]

that makes alot of sense thank you these are great lessons learned on my part, it gets so hard to see these things in the heat of it all, you just end up in the big rumble that you dont actually release sometimes the problems are actually internal rather than external, well we are still together in a relationship but from what i have learned today is to continue this madness is just going to give birth to more choas not sure on any solution yet but i know now to not carry on what wasnt working in the first place?

[GoatsDoRoam]

Good on you for being open to questioning your behaviour.

Here's how you got controlling:

• "spent the next three days trying to get her back and left her numerous mails and texts explaining how much i loved her and how i was wrong which were just read and ignored apart from one where she replied we are better off just friends."
  

That's harassment. It is also you refusing to believe her when she tells you it's over. That's showing no respect for the fact that she gets to make her own choices, including the choice to not have a relationship with you.

• "I gave her an ultimatium"
  

Poor choice. Either you can accept her behaviour, or you can't. If you can't, if her behaviour is a relationship dealbreaker for you, then you walk away. Giving ultimatums is, again, attempting to control another person's behaviour to suit you. Other people are free to do what they want, and you are free to stay out of their lives if that doesn't suit you.

• The mutual demand that neither of you have FB friends of the opposite sex. It sounds like you said she instigated that rule? You still chose to go along with it. Horribly jealous and controlling stuff.

[gatewalker]

If you need someone to make you feel better, OP, then that is a definition of codependency.

If a partner somehow has to "complete" you, then you're in for a rough ride. The upside of that is that it will bring you all of the experiences you need to change.

[gatewalker]

You are playing victim because you are waiting around for her, OP. That's not the same as being a victim, which is an entirely different matter.

You ask how you were controlling? Here are your words:

• "i started to not show any love and would act like i couldnt care about anything when i really did". Controlling
  
• "I added a few girls on facebook" - Deliberately? If so, that's controlling.
  
• "we both had an argreement to not have any opposite sex people on our facebooks" Both of you, controlling.
  

Mature relationship is one where both people are free to be who they are, who respect each other, who like as well as love each other, who support each other. A mature person doesn't put conditions on their partner's behaviour, doesn't 'need to trust them' because they trust themselves, has enough self-love and self-respect that they are able to love and respect their partner in ways that sustain and grow not only the relationship, but each individual in that relationship.

[dgm199419]

i wish i could just walk away and tell her not to contact me and we will both be free to do whatever we like, but i have been there with her and when i am not with her i break down i change into someone else and i cant enjoy it because me missing her being with me brings me down, without her she is the only think on my mind all day everyday for weeks

[dgm199419]

i am learning from you guys take it easy just explain to me as i clearly have no concept of how i went wrong i fully understand that i could not be the victim here, how did i get controlling ?

[gatewalker]

OP, a suggestion: why don't you see if you can stop seeing yourself as the victim here - holding on and hoping that she'll change and come back to you - and take charge of your life. Walk away. Tell her not to contact you again. Then you're free to do what you like.

[CalleighDoodle]

You didnt love harder (wtf), you got controlling. Stop now.

[dgm199419]

i guess thats true, she stopped loving and i loved harded and this is the end result a suppose, i am probably temporary now

[gatewalker]

Because the closer we get to someone in relationship, the more the reality of how we relate, and all the wounding and dysfunction, come to the surface.

Though I wouldn't see that as an invitation to try and help her, either. That can only happen in a mature relationship, and it's more likely you'll experience that when you are older and you know yourself more. Go out and have some fun.

[dgm199419]

The only reason I am holding onto it is because this was all of a sudden she wasn't always this girl

[Pasithea]

No you should cut all contact move on and learn from it.

[GoatsDoRoam]

You shouldn't be guided by jealousy and control in ANY relationship.

But this one has already died, love. Let it go.

[gatewalker]

Why would you want to have her in your life when she plays games with you?

[dgm199419]

so i should cut all restrictions i was implying and let her do what ever it is she wants and see the results without displaying jealousy and control ?

[Tequilashotsfor1]

This is turning in to a really toxic relationship. Quite similar to one I spent four years in.

The best thing I ever learnt was when to walk away from a relationship that wasn't working.

She probally came back because she wasn't getting the intrest she wanted off the others.

[dgm199419]

i meant handle her as in care for her, NOT like a pet!!

[GoatsDoRoam]

You're right on schedule: you're discovering that love isn't at all what you thought it should be. This is a learning experience. You're supposed to make mistakes until you get it right.

I hope you realise just how big of a mistake it is to:

• ban a partner from seeing who they want,
  
• display jealousy and control,
  
• bombard a former partner with emotionally manipulative messages,
  
• set ultimatums that curtail a partner's freedom.
  

Please don't ever do those things again: they are excusable (just) in one so young, but they are horribly abusive and wrong.

[CalleighDoodle]

She is NOT a pet!

[CalleighDoodle]

You dont get to handle her. Shes. It a pet. And im now doubting this post is real.