How to deal with unwanted gifts from family?

[TelephoneIgnoringMachine]

Especially if your partner is a hoarder?

That's the position I'm in. DH is a hoarder (although he is better than he was and much less of a hoarder than PILs. The PILs are the donors of the majority of the unwanted gifts.)

Some of DD's toys, books etc are now too young for her, but he won't consider getting rid of them. I've tried charity shopping them while he's out, however he's got a good memory for things/possessions & tends to spot this.

We have discussed going through stuff together & bagging it up, he agrees in principle but is always too tired or something. He had MH issues & I suspect PILs intrusiveness & lack of respect for him/us as parents/adults is part of this. Although his MH issues have been going on for a very long time.

We've spoken to PILs on a number of occasions previously & asked them to stop the continual stream of gifts; this had absolutely no effect. Toddler magazines (some of which they have already 'filled in' with her), second hand (often broken and/or dirty) toys, any piece of pound shop tat that happens to have DD's name on. Many of which are unsuitable for her age and consequently she breaks quickly (she's 2.8). A couple in the past have been dangerous and I got called precious for taking them off her.

We live in a small house and simply do not have room to keep storing everything for a second child which may not ever happen. Especially if the PILs do not learn to back off a bit as I simply cannot cope with the stress. They do not seem to understand that no means no.

I have very little space in the house for 'my' stuff - I do have a hobby & a small amount of stuff for this, but I feel that it doesn't matter how much I reduce my own space requirements, any space freed up is immediately taken up by DD's toys or DH's collections of stuff for his various obsessions hobbies.

[flyingbunnies]

I can completely relate to this situation. My husband hoards, well, he tries to now, but I have had to take the firm approach. These are some of the things he would do:

1. Hoard food and not eat it because then 'it would be gone'. Then complain when I threw it in the trash after it had gone off (recently tossed 8 packets of the same soup).
   
   
2. Buy clothes in totally wrong sizes if they didn't have his size (XXL). Place them in his cupboard and refuse to get rid of them. Keep clothing from the early Nineties, when he was a teenager, 'just in case'.
   
   
3. Fill every surface up with knick knacks and little ornaments.
   
   I deal with it by:
   
   
   Going through his cupboard and removing the stupid clothes. He is six two and eighteen stone, and is never going to fit into a 'medium' skinny fit t-shirt and jeans. You must not delay, though. Do not tell him you are doing it. Simply tidy up the cupboard and take the stuff out of the house right away. If he asks, tell him you tidied up. My husband still has not noticed the crap I gave away a year ago.
   
   I have banned him in no uncertain terms from over purchasing. I have told him that if he comes home with silly amounts of one item that we will not use, then I will take it to the food bank.
   
   I allocated one bookcase/ shelf unit where he could put out all his knick knacks. He also puts them on his desk. I put the rest in wicker storage baskets and put them on his shelves. I told him I will not dust them.
   
   
   This worked and he is getting a lot better. You have to take a firm stance and never back down!

[TelephoneIgnoringMachine]

SDTG sorry you haven't annoyed me at all. Sorry if my post was a bit ambiguous. The was at PILs total lack of awareness of their own surroundings - both the state of their home, and the people around them.

Have told DH that all broken, dirty or dangerous items that arrive will be thrown out immediately. He is essentially a reasonable man (just screwed up) and has agreed. Also I am taking charge of 'retiring' items & they will be got rid of if DD doesn't ask for them after a while. Pointed out I do most housework (as he is doing a heavy degree which I want him to do well in) so this mostly affects me. Thanks to BikeRunSki for the idea!

I want DH to feel valued. He says he never felt this from PILs, I'm pretty sure that's why he picked up the hoarding thing from them. He clearly attaches to possessions in lieu of proper support from his parents, he doesn't expect much from me by way of 'things', & realises now that I don't want lots of presents at every opportunity. I've no idea why PILs hoard - both their own parental homes were/are clean & tidy. Frankly I don't much care.

[TendonQueen]

Agree with Lweji. Say that from now on you will be throwing out any of the crappy, broken or already used things straight away and not waiting for discussion, because this is now a hard line for you. And just do it.

[StupidFlanders]

I think ATILLA is right.

I have no experience of your problem but de clutter constantly. If you just kept getting rid of stuff would he get annoyed but then get over it?

[deste]

Your PIL are bringing the stuff over to you because they are freeing themselves of the guilt of throwing things out. If they give it to you then problem solved. I would start bringing stuff over to them until they realise what is happening.

I would say they all had MH issues.

[Lweji]

But is it emotional abuse if it's due to a health issue?

It's still abuse, whether they do it on purpose or not, because you suffer from it.
If he was violent through a mental health issue, you wouldn't put up with it, would you?
Professionals don't put up with it. If he was in an institution he wouldn't be allowed to live in a messy tip either.
Why should you?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

TelephoneIgnoringMachine - I appear to have annoyed you - that was not my intention. I got the impression from an earlier post that you were worried about your PIls house because you said you weren't sending stuff back because their house was already full to the rafters. I apologise for getting the wrong idea.

If you kept on sending stuff back as soon as you could, do,you think they might eventually get the message - that is what I was trying to say, albeit clearly clumsily.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your H may not be as bad in your eyes as your ex was but your man has serious problems all the same and this will have a deleterious effect on your life as well as your DDs. It is already affecting you markedly. Its all very well stating that you do not want to leave (why, what are you getting out of this relationship now) but really what other choice do you have?.

Hoarding is recognised as a mental health issue. How much have you actually read about this whole subject of hoarding and what it does to family members?.

The support your DH is currently receiving is woefully short of what is actually needed here and like many, he is not being at all honest about his issues relating to either himself or his hoarder parents. He has become a hoarder himself. Hoarding is often also associated with OCD along with other forms of depression and anxiety and in his case this all likely stems from his childhood as well. Compulsive hoarding is also associated with a family history of same.

Is this really the life you envisaged for yourself let alone the childhood you envisaged for DD?. She will not thank you for being with her dad and children of hoarders can end up with a raft of problems themselves as adults. I think he as well as yourself are really paying lip service to this problem in your relationship and going around in circles as a result. Chats about boundaries and setting them will not sort either his parents or hoarding issues particularly as you state he is still in FOG with regards to them.

I also doubt very much you will move away and if you do, that residence will become just as cluttered as it is now.

[BikeRunSki]

I bag outgrown/ worn out toys and stuff every do often and stick the bag in the garage/loft/wardrobe for a few weeks. When I realise no one has asked for the stuff for a while I bin it/charity shop it.

[Seriouslyffs]

It sounds to me as if you feel you need his approval to bin stuff.
You don't. Just bin it.
There's as much people pleasing from you as from him here.

[TelephoneIgnoringMachine]

But is it emotional abuse if it's due to a health issue? I just don't want to make the obvious assumption just because it's the easiest one for me in the short term.

Agree re the boundaries. DH and I have had a chat again about this tonight & I have suggested an alternate plan. He knows I have boundary issues (I massively struggle if I feel people are encroaching into my personal space; I have a hatred of being touched by almost everyone but DH & DD, & I need emotional space which PILs didn't give me after DD was born). DH tried to tell them to leave me/us to have some space but they just ignored him. DH and I nearly broke up after a couple of months partly due to this. DH has since admitted he should have done more. He seems to have that FOG thing going on, won't even discuss it. In his mind, his parents' behaviour & his own issues are entirely unrelated. Despite this, he know his parents behaviour is not normal & unhelpful & we will be moving away when it's practical (my job & his course).

[Lweji]

IMO, you would need to define your boundaries very clearly about clutter and stick to them.
Any extra stuff goes straight in the bin and if there are arguments about it, then he leaves.

[Lweji]

Sometimes I feel it's just not worth the stress.

And that is how emotional abuse would be described.
He may have problems, but you can choose to live with them or not.

[TelephoneIgnoringMachine]

Oh and SDTG - I couldn't care less about PILs house. If they want to live in a pigsty that's up to them. Quite happy to send stuff back but they temd to bring it round when I'm at work. They know what they're doing.

[TelephoneIgnoringMachine]

I don't feel threatened at all. I have been abused by a previous partner, DH is in no way comparable, not like that at least. He could be said to be controlling, but only about his possessions, and latterly, DD's. He is perfectly happy for me to do as I like with my money & possessions, even though I have always been the higher earner. I suspect what you perceive as an air of threat, is just my general sense of the stress of things when he spotted that something had gone. He seemed genuinely devastated that I'd removed a gift & we had to have about an hour of discussion over 1 cheap item - this being after I'd already tried to retrieve it from the charity shop. Sometimes I feel it's just not worth the stress.

I suspect there is more to DH's problem than simple depression, which is all he's ever really been diagnosed with. He does seem to have a number of traits common to Autism but I've no idea if that's significant or what to do about it. He doesn't believe it so won't mention it to the doctor. At the very least I suspect his depression is not fully under control/he has not been totally honest with doctor about all his issues. It surely can't be normal.

I'm in my 30s. I don't want to LTB due to this. He is in most other respects, ideal, especially for me. I'm actually fairly unsociable & a bit screwed up by a past relationship & my own family, & he's been totally accepting of all my issues and general idiosyncrasies - aside for my need for a tidy/uncluttered house.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I would say that the PILs house is not your problem - refuse to let the stuff in through the door, and send the it back with them.

[BeCool]

That you have to recycle magazines on the sly is very worrying.
Why do you feel you need to do this?

What would happen if you went through the house right now with a recycling bag and tossed every old children's magazine, newspaper etc into it and put it out for collection?

There seems to be a air of threat hanging over you OP, but you've not mentioned it really. Why wouldn't you just chuck stuff out?

[ImperialBlether]

Actually that's what I think, too, hellsbells.

[Lweji]

At some point you may have to be tough and tell him that if he keeps filling space, then he's out.

[hellsbellsmelons]

IMHO - get out and get away now.
This will never get any better.
This will be your life until you find the strength to leave.
Are you very young?

[ImperialBlether]

Do you work outside the home? If so, could you say, "Oh X at work is really broke and needs X, Y and Z. I think I might give her X."

Would he accept this or does he have to be the one to have the items in his house?

[lalaladeedah]

But what does he actually do if you get rid of stuff? Why are you giving into him so easily? If you clear a space, and he fills it, clear it again. Why is he wary of your motives? Does he feel that you are rejecting his parents and him by rejecting their crap?
It sounds to me like you need a massive purge of things and tinkering around the edges is making neither of you happy.

[TelephoneIgnoringMachine]

Used magazines (ie massively ripped up) are recycled but I do feel I have to do it on the sly. I deal wtih clothes but at present they aren't an issue as there is another baby in extended family so they aren't being 'got rid of'.

I suggeated he read the Marie Kondo book & said I might get it. He was totally uninterested (ie very wary of my motives). I'm just sick of having to move stuff to get to the things behind. I do try to model good behaviours re:not keeping unnecessary stuff, but DH just seems to think "excellent, there's some space I can fill".

I would send things back to PILs house but their house is already full to the rafters. Ther is one whole room blocked off, plus two other major ares of the house, due to accumulated stuff.

[Lweji]

Another one asking what happens when he finds out you chucked something out.
Can you agree with him that you handle storage and what stays and what goes and that is final?

[ImperialBlether]

Yes, what does he do if he finds out something's been chucked away?

So you have a few comics that are ripped and the puzzles in them have been done. No use to anyone. Can you tell us what happens in each of these scenarios:

a) You say to DH "OK, these are rubbish, nobody's ever going to look at them" and chuck them in the bin.

b) You say to your ILs "Don't leave these here, will you? Nobody's ever going to look at them."

c) You say nothing but put them in your handbag and chuck them away the next time you're out.