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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Don't know why i bother!

32 replies

magicgirl79 · 03/01/2015 18:14

Really need a rant!! I feel a complete and utter mug!! My H does not work, I support ALL our household bills etc and we have 1 child, and this is really getting me down and so full of resentment.

He also smokes cannabis daily and drinks beer at night, which he pays for if he does odd jobs, I don't get towards to the house, this is his money.

Anyway he is also very moody, probably due to the drug use, and I know people don't view cannabis as a serious drug but living with someone who smokes a lot means when he has not got it can be awful due to the moodiness.

I also feel I have to ask him when I need to go places and to an extent have to explain where I have been and what I have been doing, almost like he is suspicious, I don't think this is normal.... I feel like a bloody kid not a woman in my late thirties!!

We don't really even do anything together, no holidays unless in this country as I couldn't be with him for a whole week without his cannabis as I would be on edge all the time due to the moods.

Anyway just had to get that out, I know deep down what I must do, but still so scared to make that move to change everyones lives.

OP posts:

Report

Lioninthesun · 04/01/2015 17:42

Meeting someone else does not matter. You do it all anyway! Yes some company might be nice in the future - but don't worry about that yet. As a previous poster said you are only stopping yourself meeting someone better. You know what better is, otherwise you wouldn't realise this is wrong. I think you will feel so much stronger after the initial changes of him going that you may well reconsider dating for a while. I'm a single parent and although at times it can be lonely, I'd take that over arguments and treading on eggshells any day! Imagine all of your money going on just you and the kids? It might free up a lot more for you and them. Also as others have said, they will be watching your relationship and learning how he can treat you and mentally storing it away for their future. You have the job of deciding if they should aim higher.

He needs to grow up and face his life. If he hasn't done so by his 30's that isn't your fault but he does need to do something about it. The idea he is telling you how to work when he doesn't is frankly him saying he has all of the power. How he thinks this is the case is clearly bizarre but you need to see that you can stand on your own two feet without this bully behind you making you his slave. Maybe it will be what he needs to pull himself together and participate in life?

Lweji · 04/01/2015 16:11

He won't like it.
You, on the other hand, can only have a better life, as well as your child. You shouldn't be scared to change that.

Get everything in place and then tell him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/01/2015 16:09

Keep writing here.

You've likely put up with this because like many before you who made the same type of relationship error, you thought he would ultimately change. His primary relationship is with cannabis, not you or your child.

Your own boundaries on relationships are very low anyway, what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. A person not being violent nor a cheat should be your baseline to what is acceptable behaviour in a relationship, you shouldn't feel grateful somehow that he is not violent or a cheat. He still is who he is, a selfish and entitled man who basically suckered you into his life.

How did you become like this is a question you need to ask yourself as well. Did you meet him either when you were very young (teens or late teens) or were in a bad place yourself?. Did you set out to rescue and or save him?.

You stop yourself from meeting someone else if you remain with this person and he will mess up your child's life to boot. You'd be better off apart and you're really alone within this relationship now in any case.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied as you are now, he is basically dragging you and your child down with him currently into his pit. You have a choice re him, your child does not.

albal14 · 04/01/2015 16:07

Hi Magic, Does the guy know how lucky he is? (i 've got nothing) HE is throwing it all away by being a lazy twat, and dragging you down with him the last 10 years. Get rid of him and I promise you will feel better for it, the future is unwritten. Good luck

davejudgement · 04/01/2015 16:03

I know someone who has used cannabis for the past 30 years.

They have turned into a forgetful, argumentative, paranoid cunt.

The stuff rots the brain.

magicgirl79 · 04/01/2015 15:56

I cant really speak to real life people as I don't know who I can trust.

I think I stuck with it for so long as I tried to focus on the positive sides and as sad as this sounds, there were that he wasn't physically violent and didn't cheat on me!! That is so very sad!! Also I think im scared to be alone and if I never meet someone again!! God I sound awful, I don't know how I became like this.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/01/2015 15:51

It does not really matter in the long term how he will take the news, the fact is that you need to tell him its over and asap to boot. Seek legal advice for your own self too so you know precisely where you stand legally with regards to finances and your child.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/01/2015 15:49

What do you get out of this now?. What is really and has kept you within such a dire relationship?. Do you at heart think that you really do not deserve better?.

Is this really the relationship too you want your child to be witness to?. What do you want to teach this child about relationships here, surely not this?.

There is no time like the present to tell this man that it is well and truly over. Its up to him where he goes, that is and should be of no concern to you.

All he has done and is doing is sponge off you. You need to ask yourself in the longer term why you have put up with him for so long.

rumred · 04/01/2015 15:44

Can you speak to real life people for support and advice? You don't have to do it all by yourself. But do it because it sounds joyless and miserable for you and your kids

magicgirl79 · 04/01/2015 15:21

Thank all, I need a good kick up the backside to get out of this mess.

I really can not see how I can turn things around for the better, think we may have come to far to change, just can not believe, that this is probably it!

Also very scared how he will take it when the time comes to be brave enough to tell him!!

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 04/01/2015 05:50

There's no plans to make. Just kick him out.

ChristinaMatthews · 04/01/2015 05:14

Start making plans for you and your DC - you both deserve better than this but, only you can make it happen. Think how much better youu and DCs lives could be this time next year........

scarletforya · 03/01/2015 22:05

He's a cocklodger.

Balders74 · 03/01/2015 21:42

My H doesn't smoke cannabis he is naturally an arse

He has lots of other excuses for why he is the way he is. He does have an addiction to food and has become very large (over 20 stone) and as a result has now been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but refuses to change his eating habits to help his health.

I think you should bite the bullet & start thinking seriously about ending it. Don't make a rash decision because he will talk you out of it.

HanselandGretle · 03/01/2015 21:37

Cannabis use has been linked to paranoia, I've seen enough people affected mentally by it to know, therefore I consider it a serious drug. You can see it's making him moody and if he doesn't have it he's even worse. This is a big problem in and of itself. You have a child together and he does naff all but dictates what you should do and what hours would suit you??? You'd be better off going it alone.

magicgirl79 · 03/01/2015 21:25

Hi Balders, Thanks for your reply, did you find when he wasn't smoking drugs he was getting worse and worse, that's what im finding. Also realising that I don't really know him that well without drugs.

When I was younger it didn't effect me as much and also before DC but I have changed and grown up I guess!!

He also lectures me about work and what he reckons I should work as or change jobs, just now he is trying to encourage me into different hours for more money but i have said no as I enjoy being able to pick my child up from school, but it is a cheek considering he wont bloody work!

Do your kids know he takes drugs?

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Balders74 · 03/01/2015 20:59

Hi Magic
My H has always been a grunter but he has got worse as he's got older. I think my H is depressed because he is not providing BUT having said that he was not willing to do anything to change the situation. He had all sorts of excuses for not helping around the house while I work full time.

He has not taken it well, lots of crying which is very out of character but he knows I mean it. He has no-where to go but I have said I'll give him money to get a flat & then he is on his own. He says I have taken away everything he loves but he didn't think about that when he was putting me down, calling me names, shouting at the kids etc.

It is hard, my DCs are upset but they also know that things will be much better in the long run.

magicgirl79 · 03/01/2015 20:53

God I do hope 2015 is my year to make the changes I know are needed x

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dirtybadger · 03/01/2015 20:49

He's a lazy fuck. Get rid. I know a few men who are habitual cannabis smokers and they still manage to get off their arses to work full time and are polite to friends and family. Excellent excuse for him, though.

2015 can be your year.

dirtybadger · 03/01/2015 20:48

He's a lazy fuck. Get rid. I know a few men who are habitual cannabis smokers and they still manage to get off their arses to work full time and are polite to friends and family. Excellent excuse for him, though.

2015 can be your year.

EleanorRigby89 · 03/01/2015 20:43

You definitely need to get rid. It sounds like he is just dragging you down.

mrsd2014 · 03/01/2015 20:32

"he doesn't actually want to work as he feels he will barely have money to himself once he gives me what he needs to!"

Oh dear. Please get shot of him. He should want to be able to help out. What on earth is he going to do if you do get shot of him? He will have to get a job and support himself like any self-respecting and capable adult should do!

magicgirl79 · 03/01/2015 20:27

Thanks all, no he is not depressed, he doesn't actually want to work as he feels he will barely have money to himself once he gives me what he needs to!!! Welcome to my world, I don't get this choice/

He also is not depressed just really used to this way of life he has now as it is my own fault for letting it go on for the last 10 yrs.

I guess im just scared, when he is nice things are fine, but that is also because he has the effects of drugs and drink. When he doesn't he is so moody and just drains me!!

Guess its just knowing how to make these changes??

Balders74, was you H always this way? How has he taken the separation?

OP posts:

wallaby73 · 03/01/2015 20:19

Having been depressed at some points in my life, i can say there is a huge difference between depression, and freeloading lazy controlling twat?

FolkGirl · 03/01/2015 19:55

Depressed?!

Based on what?

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