Hi wonderwoman, thanks for your kind words. I knew for many years that DM was likely to die from the health condition she had, but none of us thought that she would have as many years as she did, or that the end would come when it did.
It was odd when she did go. I had spent time thinking over what could be honestly said at her funeral. I was determined that I would not reinvent her in front of that congregation, on the other hand I felt it an unfair situation to be too raw in what was said. I described a perfectionist, someone with high standards, a striver for things, and a visionary. Anyone who really knew her would have known what was being said but it seems that not many of the 200 or so people who attended really did know her. Or perhaps they did and I didn't.
I came away from that day wishing that I had known the woman that all these many people had. An acquaintance from our local area told me of how she sought out DM and cried on her shoulder over her problems and worries. DM didn't allow me to do that. Others told me how fair she was and how she appreciated others' viewpoints. I nodded and smiled and thanked them for their kindness and wondered whose funeral I was at.
In the days and weeks that followed I realised many things. One of the first was that all the decrees and expectations were just no longer there. And if they weren't important in the immediacy of her death then they had never been important. So why had they felt that way? I don't know. It made me realise that others' demands could be viewed as requests and that I could make decisions for me and my family without the fear and obligation and guilt that typifies toxic relationships.
Another great realisation was that the emptiness was in effect like one of DM's radio silences, which she instigated sometimes when I had failed in some way. Usually broken when I, not realising I was in the dog house, phoned to be greeted with 'Oh, you are still alive then'. Only this time I was, and she wasn't.
It took a long time before I stopped expecting to be found wanting. I could not work out what was wrong the following Christmas when the day felt odd. I eventually realised that the family was together and we had reached mid-afternoon without anyone having done something wrong. There was no bickering, no blame, and a vast and empty space.
Life after DM is much easier. I mourned for the relationship I had always wanted. I still do. I miss the times when she behaved well, usually when she was in a position of weakness like being in hospital, or when she had decided fun was the order of the day on holiday or the occasional shopping trip and play-acted her part.
I do not miss having to protect my DCs from unwelcome comments about behaviour, food intake, and comparisons with the fictitious child I had grown up with as an imaginary brother (DM's imaginary son was perfect in every way). I do not miss the disappointment which was always expressed with my body, my thoughts, my efforts, my choices and my actions.
I still never come up to standard, that voice in my head that she put there over so many years is strong. I am only now learning that I do not have to allow myself to be treated badly. I am only just aware that I can have desires of my own, or opinions which might be agreed or disagreed with, but that they are ok because they are mine. I am only now being the mother I choose, most of the time, rather than the one role modelled for me or the one which is the diametric opposite of that.
It is a strange new world. My only regret is that I did not have the opportunity to learn these things earlier in my life and and avoid more of the FOG.
A diatribe I know. You asked. I am not used to having anyone care about what I think and I'm not good at turning off the tap. I'm sending you 
for your journey and hope that perhaps something of what I have shared might be of use to you. Feel free to PM if it helps.