How to handle EA ex dp (child and house together)

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

Have posted previously when still on relationship and don't have time to write down full story right now, just after some advice please?

He was made to leave the house in November (solicitors letter). Since then he's been texting and calling A LOT. We have a dc together and my DS from a prev relationship and he's using seeing them as a way to be here/ keep contacting me
He keeps saying how much he loves me, he's so sorry for being a twat, won't drink 'heavily' any more, promising holidays etc etc. even that we should get married and have another child.
He thinks that because he's no longer an abusivr drunk, everything is fine and I should forgive him and move on.
But the thing is I DID love him dearly. But since being on my own my feelings have changed and now he mainly just irritates the hell out of me. Every now and again I feel fondness for him (and I still fancy him ).
He knows I'll struggle to pay the mortgage and bills alone in our (50/50) house and I can't buy him out...
I don't want things to turn nasty, want him to have a good relationship with DS. He's meant to look after him when I go back to work in 2 weeks for 2 days a week...

How can I find him off without him getting the hump and making things difficult with the house and baby???
I'm waiting for a mediation session, should be in January this year..
Oh, and he asked me to stop the child maintenance claim I had started because they were hassling him at work and it was 'embarrassing'. I stupidly agreed

[Hissy]

the memory of a drunk is impaired. they lose sections of their lives.
abusers re-write history
abusers minimise, deny and blame
abusers hoover their victims.

Your Ex is trying to force you into taking him back no matter how badly he treated you.

All I ever wanted our family back . In our happy home.. Have great and happy memories, growing old together without a care in the world looking after those we care about.

HE broke that family
HE made the home so unhappy that you had to have him removed
The memories YOU have were not GREAT nor HAPPY
You would have grown old with a great deal of woe, misery and self destruction
Only now he's bucking his ideas up - as a ploy only mind - as soon as you are back in his clutches he would revert to type and then carry on where he left off, only ever getting worse and worse.

He IS an idiot. YOU are too good to be with an idiot. Take the money and get yourself out and happy somewhere else.

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

Thank you
My counsellor said so too, and the lady from the DAS seems to think I'm ok now, they've discharged me from the service.
I feel like the old me, the one who wouldn't dream of putting up with any crap from anyone

[tipsytrifle]

I think you're making fantastic strides into your new life, Mistletoe. You sound way stronger day by day and I think, given that the house is to be sold, that it's an excellent plan to move out. I'm sure what you've found is lovely. YOUR new home (for awhile)! Yes, take the money he's donating. Of course he'll twist it round sometime soon but I'm sure you'll swat his attempts at reclaiming it in kind.

Love the tone when you say "idiot". There's something all but audible about how you say/write it, with contemptuous snarl and all!

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

I can't afford the running costs of this place. Plus it feels like 'our house'
We'll either sell and take 50/50 or he can buy me out.

[1FluffyJumper]

Why are you moving out your family home? You realise the money he gives you will come with 'strings'. He will view your acceptance of it as a sign of you letting him in.

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

Btw, the 'all I ever wanted' post was a text from him.. Wasn't me saying that! I've ignored it

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

I only respond to texts regarding contact.
I'll take the £1000 though, will go toward deposit on new place plus other setting up costs.

[cestlavielife]

Let him put money into a bank account for the dc.
But stop engaging with him.
He is trying to win you back with a game it won't last

[1FluffyJumper]

Pursuing *

[1FluffyJumper]

Don't let him in the house, don't move out till you've had proper legal advice ( you might be allowed to keep the house till kids are 18 possibly) and just don't reply to any of his shit. Don't say 'maybe in a year,' unless you are happy for him to continue perusing you. If you want to get back together with him, have an adult conversation and do it.

[1FluffyJumper]

Stop engaging with him for god sake.

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

All I ever wanted our family back . In our happy home.. Have great and happy memories, growing old together without a care in the world looking after those we care about.

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

What would you reply to this??

Mistletoe... I know you said you want to be independent etc.. But I'd like to pay £1000 for your new place. I can't bear to see you struggle and the kids should have everything they need. I'd like to do this.

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

Done maintenance call. Been to see a house to rent, and told him.
He's 'broken-hearted'
He's either a SUPER good actor or quite pathetic. Either way I love that is NO LONGER MY PROBLEM!!!

[petalsandstars]

CMS and solicitors - make the calls today. He will turn nasty - and soon. Get yourself sorted out and also look into what you're entitled too. Even if you have to pay for childcare (don't bank on him sticking to his agreement to do it) you'll have maintenance to help with the budget.

[Hissy]

my ex is always 'ill' btw... it's bollocks/mememememememe

[Hissy]

phone OFF when you go to bed.

don't believe a word of what he says, he realises that all the effort he put into grooming you to take his abuse is going to blow up in his face and he's going to have to start again elsewhere. he'll have to find someone vulnerable and pretend to be a nice person to hook them.

excruciating. abusers hate being nice, it's against their nature...

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

Quick update-
He's been sickeningly nice recently. 'Helping out' with DS, playing with dd. Brought a take away and red roses the other day.
STILL saying how he's a changed man and live will be perfect once we're back together
I managed to stay calm detached and kept repeating 'we are no longer a couple'.
Also told him I'm not in love with him any more.
He still wants to sort maintenance out between ourselves, but I want the CMA to do it (he earns more than he says). He's REALLY anti them sorting it...
Ive decided to move out into rented accom, and get this place valued (tomorrow) and he may buy me out.
He's playing the 'I'm poorly' game again, has a fever
Multiple text through the night wanting to 'talk'.
I'm getting heartily sick of it. Looking forward to moving!!

[Windywinston]

Wow, his messages put all the fault of the breakdown of your relationship onto you. He's offering you the world, but if this were genuinely what he wanted to do he'd have done it by now. Don't fall for it.

Process your maintenance claim, it was only embarrassing for him as he clearly wasn't co-operating. Get legal advice, this is one area of your life in which you do not want to be starting off on the back foot.

If you have a police incident on record this puts you in a good position to argue for supervised access/no overnights at least until your baby is a little older.

I'm not sure where you stand re Australia, but I wouldn't want to take a small child on a flight to Aus on my own, and I'm sure in reality neither does your ex.

[tipsytrifle]

Please remember he has said he will be seeing a solicitor on Monday. Don't believe this illusionary world of happy families that he is creating, with your help while ever you're still sharing your space with him. What cestlavielife said is accurate.

Please allow for the possibility that he is buying Nice Time whilst arranging a deadly legal army to utterly wipe the floor with you while you are unprepared. I speak from experience.

[cestlavielife]

he needs to not be in the house.
where is he staying? he can take dc there. one only if other is not well.

so long as he in and out your house and playing with dc at your house the boundaries are blurred. you saying we not together yet here he is in your house while you naked and having a bath... ask yourself, would you do this while a profressional child carer/baby sitter was in the house?

everything he promises/threatens/says - ignore ignore ignore - until it is actually written down and agreed in a parenting agreement.

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

He came to take Dd and DS out for tea yesterday but DS didn't want to go and DS is poorly, so he looked after DS while I had a bath and then played Xbox with dd.

We spoke, and I was very firm about not being together any more, I don't feel the same about him any more.
He's adamant we can be a good family. I've said no, but we can be good parents, just not as a couple.
He texted in the night to see how DS is, then sent a link to a Disney holiday he wants to take us all on
I replied thanks, but not appropriate right now, maybe in a year or whatever if we can be friends.

[tipsytrifle]

As far as I know barristers are the 500 quid a second ones who deal with court appearance. Normal lawyers do the rest prior. So I think he's flaunting himself a bit there. BUT make no bones about it, he is your enemy at this point really. I know that sounds extreme but there is no point, in my view, regarding him as anyone safe or reasonable. He will be out for himself financially (and, of course, on a mission to hurt you) and is not be trusted in any way at all.

There isn't custody as far as I know, these days. There's residency and access (may have different names). The child has a right to a relationship with both parents of course but travelling to Oz at 11m may not quite fit into that. Way too young to be away from you. I seriously can't see him coping either but no, I really can't see any court agreeing to that!

Can't help but chuckle at him sleeping in the shed

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

Evidence wise I have one call to police when he was drunk and abusivr. They told him off and let him sleep in the garden shed
I've lots of other stuff written down with dates etc.
Do you think I'm unreasonable wanting him to look after DS when I go back to work? Would that look bad for me?

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

He has plenty of income, £40k when only working 3 days a week, been doing extra for £60 per hour recently. When I said he should give me £500pcm (based on basic salary) he seemed to think that was far too much and he said he won't do the extras any more.
He's just had the nerve to send me a happy new year text! I'd love to shove his iPhone 6 up his arse!