Counsellor comment - this isn't OK, is it?

[FriendlyElf]

Have NCd for this, but I've had previous threads on here. I went to see a counsellor today, first session, although we'd met before to talk about practicalities. I've been depressed, and not coping well. Partly because DH and I have gone through a difficult time when we've been talking a lot about problems in our relationship and trying to sort them out. It's been very hard, but also positive I think and things are better than they have been for a long time. A recent issue is his friendship with a woman he knows. We've talked for hours about it and I felt that we'd reached a better place with it and there is a plan for what will happen to minimise potential problems.

I started to tell the counsellor about it today, just context. He interrupted me to say something before I got to the bit about feeling it was resolved, and then later said 'Sounds like he's warming something up with this woman.' This really upset me at the time and I said so. Am I right that this is really not an OK thing for him to have said at all, but especially given he has so little knowledge of the situation or of me? It's taken me a long time to get to the point of trying to see someone to talk about things and this has really knocked me.

[MyrnaLoy]

Wow, I'm a slow typist!

[FriendlyElf]

Thanks Myrna, I'll have a think. To be honest, I got so little chance to talk I'm really not sure whether it would have other good aspects. His approach does fit with other things I do, mindfulness mainly, but I think I just need to talk some things out with someone, maybe I don't want something so structured.

[Tinks42]

I didnt gel with my first two councillors

One was a man (this made me uncomfortable and I knew I just wouldn't open up to him due to gender)

One was a muslim woman (had absolutely nothing in common with her as im an athiest)

The third I instantly liked.

[FriendlyElf]

I think maybe I'd prefer a woman actually. It might make things easier to talk about.

[MyrnaLoy]

Sometimes you can only know something isn't right for you by trying it. I had a counsellor once who I found so irritating it was like being hit on the head by a teaspoon.

I'm really sorry you've had this experience - I know it will have created another layer of difficult feelings.

I know you'll find someone who is right for you though: when I found mine she gave me back my life (sounds trite but its totally true).

[FriendlyElf]

Thank you. This thread has really helped. I was feeling like counselling was just not for me and I was on my own with all my shit and how was I going to get through it? But maybe I just need to keep looking for someone who will suit me better. How did you find the counsellors you got on with?

[FriendlyElf]

Sorry, am asking you both, that's why I said 'counsellors'.

[Tinks42]

Go to the "relate" website and read up on their profiles. You really don't have to go to someone you aren't comfortable with. If money is a problem then relate have councillors that you only have to make a donation to. You don't have to go through the NHS.

[WeeFreeKings]

It's OK not to like the first counsellor you're paired with. Sometimes you just don't click. They'll understand if you ask for another one. They'll know it's not a personal slight it's just a professional mis match.

[Tinks42]

look at me.... ive spelt that wrong then huh.... counsellors who cares, we know what I meant.

[MyrnaLoy]

My best one was though personal recommendation. I also wouldn't use anyone who wasn't on the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists lists. Here

[FriendlyElf]

Ok, I'll look. I did call a few relate counsellors a while ago and there was one woman who I liked when I talked to her. Maybe I'll give her another call. Thank you all, it's really helped to see it as a challenge and not that he was judging me and DH. I just have no experience of this so I had no idea what it was about.

[elsabelle]

I too tried 3 counsellors before i found one i clicked with. Mine is quite an elderly lady, very direct and a bit of a parent figure but it totally works for me. She doesnt tiptoe around me and thats what i need. E.g. she says things like "Your ex partner clearly couldnt care less about you anymore!". Which is a bit harsh and obvs she cant know that for sure as shes never met or spoken to ExP! But i feel she does it with my best interests at heart, trying to help me to see the situation and to move forward.

So yes OP, dont take it to heart, but do look for another counsellor if you feel he wasnt a good fit for you. Good luck.

[Twattergy]

From experience I would say that not feeling judged is about the most important thing one should seek in a counsellor. Seek one that doesn't feel 'judgey' to you. I knew I would only feel comfortable with a woman, sounds like you might too.