In love with housemate, please help..

[rjh149]

I don't have anyone to turn to as my situation is quite complicated... I'm in need of some good advice right now.

I recently moved to another part of the country to study and moved into a houseshare with 7 other people. Within a few weeks one of the men here made it known he was interested in me. He is a dad of two in the process of going through a divorce. I really liked him and he made an effort to try and bump into me after work, eventually we started to go on dates. Other people in the house commented on how much happier we both were, particularly him. After a few weeks though he started to blow hot and cold and would start to find faults in us. This was around the time we contemplated taking things further. Whilst I was at work, he sent me a message telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he still wanted to be friends. I tried to deal with it as well as I could, so I avoided him - I stopped talking to him and bumping into him around the house. I was so busy anyway that this came naturally and I began to get over it.

One of my housemates told he was seeing someone else. It really annoyed me that he had told me he couldn't deal with a relationship because of his mariage breakdown, yet he was meeting someone else? So I kept my feelings to myself, and I was jealous. Not long after this, we had a heart to heart and he told me he broke it off with her because all he thinks about is me. The conversation was a bit confusing but stupidly I saw this as a window of opportunity - he still liked me. So, we ended up spending a lot of time together again and I stayed at his regularly. I began to develop feelings - the excitement of seeing him, butterflies... I knew I was falling in love... in some ways I tried to fight it because I was scared something would happen again.

He invited me to his work's Christmas do and at the end of the night I told him how I felt. He told me he loves me too, but he has all these feelings inside of how his life used to be, how he hates/loves his ex-wife, how he hates his situation. He said I came at the worst time and he wished he had met me at a different time. At the end of the night he told me he loved me - and in the morning we went out together. I found out he went on a date three days after I told him how I felt. In the heat of the moment, I told him we shouldn't speak again. He was confused, saying he wants us stay the way we have been and enjoy each other's company. Now he is avoiding me, has deleted me of social networks and is ignoring me.

I don't know what to do anymore, it's such a confusing relatiionship and alarm bells are ringing, but I can't help but love him and it hurts. He is going to make our housing situation awkward. Feelings aside, he is one of two in the house who I can have a decent conversation with. So I've lost a friend too. Any advice would be helpful.

[rjh149]

Definitely. The advice on here is really helping and making me see sense. I didn't think about him much today and that emptiness is slowly going. Possibly because he isn't around. I still love him, as you can't just stop loving someone but I think I'll have to accept that it won't work between us. He'll just keep doing what he has done to me with other girls and eventually he'll realise what a crappy situation he's gotten himself into.

[peasandlove]

yuck. He's not emotionally available to you or anyone. Forget this relationship, at least for now.

[rjh149]

Yes there is an element of control now that I think about it... by not liking the fact I went on a date, asking me questions about what I thought of the new guy who moved in, telling me what I want to hear then ignoring me the next day. I ask him one question about going on a date and he went beserk saying 'I'll do what I want'. It was all very childish. He probably thinks that once his Christmas at home is done with and he's had a good time, he will come back here and expect me to be grovelling for his attention.

[CheersMedea]

That too Twinklestein. I agree.

Which ever way you cut it, it's not a good sign.

[rjh149]

I agree that I don't want to come back in January for the feelings to come back. People in the house either tell me he really likes me and others tell me he just isn't that into me, hence why he's keeping his options open. He is good friends with another housemate here and he talks a lot about me, she doesn't disclose too much to me but she said he does like me a lot but he has a lot of baggage and he can't deal with his emotions.

He should have just been honest with me but he would rather 'flight than fight' right now.

My contracts ends in February so I've already had a look at places but they are expensive. I'll keep looking. I like this house, if it wasn't for this situation I would be content on staying. I'm only here till July anyway, as that's when I finish my studies.

[Twinklestein]

Confusing behaviour can be a sign of confused feelings but it can also be a sign of manipulation.

It's quite easy to control people with 'confusion' and 'indecision'.

[CheersMedea]

I read on here recently "hot and cold behaviour is a sign of hot and cold feelings" (ie. mixed emotions).

Or to put it another way, confusing behaviour is a sign of confused feelings.

You don't want that. You know how you feel about him. You want someone who knows how they feel about you.

There is no benefit to you staying with someone who has confused feelings.

You are just hoping that he will become de-confused in favour of you! But the high chance is that he will become de-confused when he meets a woman he is really into.

[Hatespiders]

Please find somewhere else to live. Over Christmas these yearnings will get weaker, then it will all start again when you're back living in that house, with him flouncing in and out and upsetting you.
He sounds as if he's not ready yet for any serious relationship after his marriage broke down. He's doing your head in and turning you into a bag of nerves. He won't make you happy, but if you carry on entertaining hopes of him you'll waste a whole lot of precious time, and in your twenties you should be whizzing about having a whale of a time with friends, fun boyfriends and travel etc. This is all far too 'heavy' for you and not what you need.

[Twinklestein]

He will be smarting really badly if his wife 'stopped loving him' and getting you to love him helps sooth the hurt as it makes him a) reassures him he is loveable, and b) that you can be a fallback position if all else fails. But he won't want to be hurt again so he will remain emotionally distant while keeping his options open with other women.

Ignoring you after you told him you love him shows this is about control and ego kibbles for him. He's got you to say what he needed to hear, but he doesn't want to be in the relationship. I'm sure you're aware this is not normal.

[rjh149]

I'm 25, ZedNudist, so not young but probably naive in a sense that I believe this guy to have been into me more than I originally thought. You're right, it was a mistake to have even started anything. What pisses me off about him is that he tried his hardest to persue me for a month, before I ended up developing feelings for him. I guess that's his way of a 'conquest'. The more I mull it over, the more I realise he has had me in the palm of his hand and he can drop me whenever now. He has had me to the point where I've told him I love him and he said it back, and hasn't told me where to go. But the fact he is ignoring me now proves his cowardice, that even if he does love me back, he doesn't want 'love' right now because he would rather have his ego stroked by umpteen women.

[springydaffs]

We were all 'young' and 'naive' once. I don't think the OP sounds particularly either - plenty of women get into this type of scrape at all ages.

[ZenNudist]

Ugh he sounds awful. You sound really young and naive (are you?). Please don't waste time on this guy or make him more important in your life than he needs to be.

Take this as a lesson not to shit where you eat as the saying goes. You will feel better if you move out and move on but if you're not prepared to do that just get on with seeing the other guys on offer and forget being 'friends' with this chump. He's divorcing for good reason.

It must be that getting obsessed with unsuitable guys is part and parcel of growing up.

I think you've probably created a fantasy about what this guy is like that you are more into than the real person iykwim. In time you'll come to see that the person you thought he was just doesn't exist. Whatever it is you're telling yourself when you're thinking about him: you connect, you're really compatible, he's having such a hard time with his divorce poor man and that's in no way his own fault, it's all because of his wife: realise that this is bollocks and the real story is that this is a moody changeable man who doesn't value you, is divorcing his wife because he's been a dick to her too, wants to shag about but wants the validation of having you "in love" with him and willing to say whatever bullshit will string you along. Every time you find yourself pining for an idea of this man remind yourself it's not real, remind yourself what a dick he's been. Let yourself mourn for the great relationship that never was and keep moving on to find someone who actually is great.and don't let this guy weasel his way back in to your affections or your bed.

[peasandlove]

god he sounds awful. Hopefully the two weeks away from him will lessen your feelings somewhat. This guy will fuck with your head, he already is.

[springydaffs]

Also him not wanting you but not wanting anyone else to have you. That's a red flag right there. It's not a sign of repressed lurve, but control: his possession (to do with what he wants).

Worst case scenario, mind, but he's fitting the bill so far.

[springydaffs]

If he is a controlling type (if..) he will put you through the wringer to see if you'll take it. If you do take it/come back for more [when he turns on the charm], he'll see that as a green flag to up the ante, get you loved right up, then do you over. Again. Then he'll repeat the above to see how far he can take it/how far he can destroy you.

'Tends to speak before he thinks' sounds like an excuse to me

[Coyoacan]

Gosh your description of the Secret Santa night gives a lot of insight into his character and it is not nice. As someone else mentioned, you have dodged a bullet there, definitely.

[rjh149]

Yeah it's almost laughable right now. He is very stressy and irritable when he comes back from work and he tends to speak before he thinks. I'm trying hard to work out why I feel the way I do. When we are alone he is great. The rest of the time he's difficult. He said his wife left him because she didn't love him anymore. The more I read people's comments on here, the more I think there was more to it and his personality probably contributed.

[Twinklestein]

Oh right so he's one of those moody bastards who inflict their stress and anger on everyone around them, who stonewall and detach, avoid.

I can see why he's divorced, his wife probably had enough of it.

It's not you he'll be like this with any gf and even his housemates as you've seen.

This man would be a total nightmare in a relationship, you'd get these moods all the time, relentlessly until you were walking on eggshells around him.

You've dodged a bullet.

I can't see how you're going to get over him except by moving out, however unfair that is. Although if he continues to show his true colours, perhaps you'll go off him anyway.

[springydaffs]

erm, it's not you who looks the right idiot. And not getting your gift WAS a big issue (imo), as well as leaving his gift on the table, unopened.

What a wanker. I'd say run for the hills, frankly.

At least perhaps tell the others the truth. That he's mucking you about, moody, stroppy, difficult.

[rjh149]

It does sound very similar. When he's having a good time or he's in a good mood he wants to talk to me and be round me. When he's stressed or in an angry mood, which started to become more frequent over the past few weeks, he wouldn't talk to me or would make excuses not to hanging out.

It's not just me though, other people in the house are started to notice how negative he is. They know that we have had an intimate relationship, and I look foolish. I can only assume it's the whole Christmas situation that is making him turn sour. We did Secret Santa the other night, it was supposed to be a fun night in before people left to visit family, etc. I knew he had me and he had bought me a gift. He didn't even bother to join us. Instead, he marched in to do his washing and stormed back out. It was as though he was saying 'I'm here, I'm pissed off, don't question me'. He didn't bother to open his present, it's still sat on the table. He never gave me my gift, not that it's a big issue. It's just that he didn't have the decency to come in and tell us 'I'm not taking part tonight, I'm not in the mood, sorry'. He avoids situations like that. So I looked a right idiot, everyone else opening their presents whilst looking shiftily at me because at that point they assumed he was angry because of me.

[springydaffs]

Relationships aren't supposed to be torture! He's given you the complete runaround and your nerves are jangling. Also that 'ex wife uses his children against him' shit. Yeah right.

Move out. Find a way. Who cares if it's him who 'should' be moving out, he isn't going to and you need to concentrate on your work. You need this guy right out of your life tbh - forget friends: once you're over this you'll wonder what on earth you saw in him. You know, the guy who grated you on a cheese grater.

[tigermoll]

My guess is that he does like you, just not quite enough. Sorry.

He reminds me of someone I went out with who blew hot and cold like this guy - finally he said to me 'I suppose what I really want is for us to be really good friends with the option of falling into bed with each other at the end of the night'. Which was perfectly honest of him - just not something that would have made me happy. So we called it a day. He wasn't a "bad" person, but it did fuck with my head because I knew he liked me, and I couldn't work out what was causing him to flip-flop so much. Finally I realised it was an 'into you a bit but not a lot' situation.

[rjh149]

You're right Twinklestein, he didn't like I was trying to move on last time, I'm hoping that in time we can be friends and keep things amicable. By that point I might not feel the same as I do right now, as my feelings are really strong as of late. He left to go back to his parents today (he didn't tell anyone, just left.. he won't be seeing his children till New Years so that has added to everything) and won't be back until around the same time I'm back. I've tried going out for a walk, reading, cleaning, doing work but all I can think about is him. I'm just torturing myself, but the advice on here is helping.

[Twinklestein]

You will fall back into the same trap if not in January then February... And it will go round in circles: he'll get bored of ignoring you or he'll be at a loose end without someone else to date and he'll get you into bed, because he knows how much you like him. Then all your feelings will re-ignite and then he'll back off again. Repeat ad nauseam. It will run and run until you decide you can't waste any more of your life on him.

If you're 25 and you've got time to waste, fine. If you're older than that you really need to think about how much of your fertile years you want to spend on a dream that won't come true.

[rjh149]

That's some great advice, thank you. Everyone has been really supportive on here. It's going to be really difficult but I'm going to have to try and face reality and move on, and I'm hoping for my own sake I don't fall back into the same trap in January. I would have been happy with a simple apology but I feel I won't get one anytime soon and I shouldn't sit around and wait for one.