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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"Shout at you?? I'll talk how I want and you can take it how you want!"

49 replies

TooSensitive · 04/12/2014 20:27

Husband has just aggressively shouted this at me.

He was having a shower and couldn't find his towel. He thought I had given it to my dd but it was scrunched up on a piece of furniture in the bathroom. In the process of working this out he used his shouty voice that I can't stand but that admittedly must be completely normal to him as he is on a short fuse.

I then told him not to shout at me and he responded with the above (title of thread).

Just wondering what you make of it. Am I over sensitive? I felt very upset.

OP posts:

vichill · 04/12/2014 21:29

Seriously, is this going to be a ltb because he has an occasional shitty tone? pfft

pictish · 04/12/2014 21:33

Knobber! No...he may not talk to you how he wants!! What the fuck planet is he on??

No OP yanbu. The guy's an arrogant fucking bastard, and he's get a very short shrift from me.

I suspect this is the tip of the daily iceberg though. Bet he talks to you like a member of staff he finds lacking, a lot. And if you stand up to him? That will be just as bad/overreacting/starting an argument/worse than he is....right?

That's cos he's a fucker.

Joysmum · 04/12/2014 21:37

Seriously, is this going to be a ltb because he has an occasional shitty tone? pfft

I don't think so. But I do think it will be if it's an ongoing issue and he refuses to acknowledge a problem or improve it. That's the issue.

nrv0us · 04/12/2014 21:53

My wife often gets in the shower and then realises only too late that there is no towel - she calls for me to help out and bring one, and I do, because I know she would do the same for me. The tone of these incidents is always cordial. I never feel like a servant.

If she spoke to me the way your H speaks to you, I imagine I would feel differently

AnyFucker · 04/12/2014 22:15

Hark at the apologisers piling on to say it's A-ok that this bloke treats his wife like the Hired Help.

nrv0us · 04/12/2014 22:24

Weird. I don't feel that I was saying that at all.

I was actually trying to make the point that there is something very wrong in how he talks to OP. It doesn't sound healthy.

Mandatorymongoose · 04/12/2014 22:24

Well he can talk however he wishes.

He does then have to face the consequences of that too though. Be that a pissed off or upset wife or the possibility of no wife at all anymore.

Occasionally being grumpy will probably lead to the first. Repeatedly doing it and refusing to take responsibility for it should lead to the second.

AnyFucker · 04/12/2014 22:32

Not you, nrv

simontowers2 · 04/12/2014 22:35

What would happen OP if you told him to stop being such a bad tempered knob? Seriously? What would his response be?

Lweji · 04/12/2014 22:44

I think you need to tell him that you are prepared to take it by walking out if he keeps shouting at you.

Jux · 04/12/2014 23:09

He won't even discuss it afterwards? Does he acknowledge, at least, that he upset you? Does he then say you're being ridiculous, or oversensitive?

Arven · 04/12/2014 23:11

sounds like my x. he defended his right to treat me like an incompetent employee right up until I left.

ellengeorgia · 04/12/2014 23:17

Agreed Quitelikely... I get that sort of thing a lot

Original poster

TooSensitive · 05/12/2014 10:34

Hi all

Thanks for all your responses - it is helpful for me to have outside perspectives as often I can't see the wood for the trees.

I think what really hurt about his comment yesterday was that in general we have a very disconnected and distant relationship. For the past 2 or 3 days we had been closer as happens occasionally. His angry / cold and unkind tone then make me come down to earth with a bump as for those 2 or 3 days I project / imagine that everything is ok between us.

We haven't said a word to each other (apart from h telling me that he thought ds's duvet was too thin and that he needed another one on top ) since towelgate, and as usual h has been piling the affection on to the dc - which is good obviously but makes me sad that he is unable to be that way with me.

I think that in general h is a very disconnected from others kind of person who is capable of cutting people off at the drop of a hat. I have seen other members of his family do this so I think that in some way they have imbibed that during their upbringing. They had a alcoholic rumoured to be unpleasant but nobody talks about him father which must have had some kind of impact. They also came to this country when my h was a child and suffered racist abuse such as being spat at in the street (back in the 60s) which I think has left a lasting mark, in terms of h's cynicism and general anger.

It's just impossible to have a warm / affectionate / tactile and communicative kind of relationship with my h so it is all on his terms. Either that or he cannot stand me but he could at least tell me so that we can both move on?

If it were just me and him I would make plans to move on myself but am terrified of how much we all stand to lose as we have 3 dc....

Every time we are a bit closer something will inevitably happen to push me away. A poster on another thread said that she had wanted to have a close relationship with her MIL but had been unable to because she had had to put boundaries up to protect herself against her (MIL's) behaviour. That is a bit how I feel. When we have our rare moments of closeness (he is still unable to touch me during waking hours or to talk to me about anything other than logistics however) I let my guard down and let myself imagine that everything is okay. I am then doubly hurt when the next unkind / bad tempered thing comes out of his mouth.

Sorry, I am aware that I am repeating myself now!!

OP posts:

Original poster

TooSensitive · 05/12/2014 10:36

So I basically have to go back to being separate from him and to thinking about how I can build up my independence to a point where separating may be less painful / more possible .

OP posts:

Joysmum · 05/12/2014 10:43

I sympathise.

I'm not normally a fan of letters but in this case I think it might help.

I think relationship breakdowns are a process, you need to feel you've tried everything before you can sadly admit all hope has gone.

The fact that you aren't emotionally detached yet means you've hope that this could be sorted, otherwise you simply accept this is what always happens and the fight abd sadness would go. That nothingness is the pits.

Would a letter be worth considering?

pictish · 05/12/2014 10:45

Sounds like a miserable existence to me OP. I'm so sorry.

Palmyra · 05/12/2014 11:01

TooSensitive - I can be a tad insensitive (lack warmth and definitely non tactile) I work on these because I love my wife and kids. But I would never shout at my wife, because I love and respect her too much.

Sadly your DH does this because he is a bully. He bullies people when he can, (shouting at you and "short tempered with people who work for him"), however I would lay money he wouldn't say those words ("I'll talk how I want and you can take it how you want!") to some random guy in a pub.

pictish · 05/12/2014 11:08

Too true palmyra...too true.
I bet he doesn't say it to his colleagues or his friends...and I'll tell you why...because he'd be rewarded with the pleasure of his own company, and quite possibly a sore face.
No - he'll save all that shit for you, coward that he is.

Jux · 05/12/2014 13:21

And then he'll reel you in again, by being not even extra nice for a while. Not even ordinarily nice, but half vaguely almost but jot quite nice, and it's just about enough for you to get your hopes up again, and then he can trample you. He has a fun fun fun existence, doesn't he? for you.

Have you googled emotional abuse? Read up on it a bit; if he doesn't fit, I apologise.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver · 05/12/2014 17:59

So I basically have to go back to being separate from him and to thinking about how I can build up my independence to a point where separating may be less painful / more possible

What's stopping you separating now? Have you only recently decided that's what you need to do? Or have you known for a while but buried your head in the sand?

Lweji · 06/12/2014 00:09

I agree that he does this because he knows you don't really want to leave.

This type of comment is rarely a one off. It is part of a pattern, and it will often be the first of many or of worse.

I do think you need to be prepared to walk out, either for a wake up call or for your happiness.

Viviennemary · 06/12/2014 00:13

We do shout at each other from time to time. Sometimes over quite trivial things. I know a lot of couples don't shout or would think shouting is a big deal. I'd have yelled something rude back. But it's difficult living with somebody if they're constantly on a short fuse for no good reason and bad tempered all the time.

Fluffyears · 06/12/2014 15:28

My response would have been an icy 'who the hell do you think you are speaking to?' The walking away leaving him to sort it out, he's a grown up. Dp has spoken to me once like this in over 7 years! He wouldn't even think to speak to me like that.

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