How to deal with a clingy friend.

[SuperTooToo]

Last few months I've made a new friend.

I was in very difficult straits at the time, and she has really helped me. So, first of all, I am very grateful.

However. I also notice that I find her rather clingy, texting, phoning and wanting to meet up, and not letting there be a break before I suggest something by return. We also don't have much in common in terms of interests and after a while of meeting up, I run out of things to talk about (very unusual for me!). I also find I don't now tell her any of my "plans" because she seems to find ways of inviting herself (pushy), which makes conversation even more restricted!

I like her in some ways and would be happy to remain friends on a more distant basis, but I really need to find a way to distance myself, without hurting her feelings or creating bad feeling. I've never really had a clingy friend like this before, and its making me feel very uncomfortable. Because she was so helpful, I'm finding it especially hard. But realise I need to start to do this consciously from now on.

I've tried waiting longer between answering her messages and texts as I have heard this works. Also make excuses why I can't see her, so there are longer gaps.

But any further ideas from people?

[Mintyy]

Omg, I wrote that without seeing op's comment at 7.45am.

What a delightful person you sound .

[sillymillyb]

I actually agree with minty, it sounds like you have taken what you need from this woman and are now would like to walk away. I think you should be honest about your feelings, if only so she can realise the sort of friendship you will provide.

I have friends who at times have been clingy, but your there for your mates aren't you? It might be hard work for a time, but you put yourself out, because they do the same for you. If it's one sided it's not really a friendship is it?

[Thecroissantthief]

This is one of the threads when I think it would be fascinating if there could be another thread running in parallel with the 'needy' friends point of view - entitled 'I supported this friend through a really bad time and now I need her support but she is distancing herself - I thought we were friends!' - or something along those lines.

[Thecroissantthief]

another thought - there is always the possibility that her behaviour is driven by kindness and that she actually believes you may still need support, rather than the fact that she is a needy clingy person. In which case, just making it obvious that you don't need support etc. may be enough for her to distance herself.

One person's 'needy and clingy' person is another's best mate for life

[SuperTooToo]

Just to clarify, she was helpful and I have shared my gratitude, but it was coffee and a shoulder to cry on, plus some practical advice. I didn't ring or text her every day, far from it. I didn't move into her home or borrow money off her (though she borrowed some off me, interestingly). Nor did I simply invite myself to her activities even when told no - that should have been a big one! I was there for her too by the way, and the companionship and fun was two-way as well. I think the thing is there were lots of alarm bells, but not really fair on her or myself to go into the specifics of it here. I think what I most need to bear in mind Flyaway's approach! I will leave it there, thank you!

[SuperTooToo]

Oops one more thing, Thecroissant, I did think my friend was genuinely trying to help me. And perhaps she genuintely was, and is. But I have come to think there is another agenda as well, but not going into all that as not fair on her to talk about it here. Some people I think are using this thread to get their rocks off. Anyone I'm not explaining it any more. Thanks to those who have tried to help.

[Lushlush]

The point is people have different needs in friendships and some people's needs and expectations simply do not combine well with others. End of.

It isn't a question of 'fault' just everyone is different! It is our prerogative. What one person would call needy or clingy another one wouldn't and so on.

[ruddygreattiger]

OP, with regards the the xmas dinner I would text her and say something along the lines of 'thanks very much for the invite but I have been so busy in the run-up to xmas I m going to have the actual day to myself to relax and veg on the sofa with a tin of quality street'. If she starts insisting then be firm but consistent. She will get the message.
Have had a VERY clingy friend that suddenly appeared on the scene and I began to dread the texts, urgent phone calls etc so had to make a clean break and not enter into answering any of them. Also had to avoid places I knew where she would be because it would result in her expecting to be involved in whatever I was doing/going. Obviously we still see each other around now and again but I keep it to a polite hello and leave it at that. Clingy people are so draining.

[Stardust12]

Sorry to hijack this conversation but I'm going through something fairly similar and need advice please. My friend has always been a little intense but has recently stepped up a gear. We met a few years ago at a toddler group and hit it off. I did notice a few of the other mum's tended to avoid her as although lovely, my friend is quite opinionated and loud. I never mind really as although I'm not like that, her openness and honesty are good to be around. The first time my husband met her, he did warn me as they were at school together and although she didn't remember him, he remembers her and said she latches onto people. We were seeing each other around every 1-2 months and live at opposite ends of the same town but recently she's got very clingy and also quite pushy, which I'm finding extremely difficult. Firstly, she wants to meet up a lot more frequently, like once or twice a week. I work 4 days and she changed her work days to be the same as mine, and my weekends are sacred as I spend time with my family and on my one day off I take my daughter to a mum and pre-schooler swimming class. She started coming along but I can only go every other week as on alternate weeks I take my daughter and we go visit my disabled sister in a care home. It's a 28 mile round trip, so we often make a day of it but my friend had said several times she only wants to and does come swimming if she knows I'll be there. I've said I'm very flattered but I can never know too far in advance if I 'll be seeing my sister that Monday or not as I'll often call the care home to see how she's doing and if her mental state isn't good, I don't risk it. However, my friend still won't go without me. She also tells my daughter off for very little reason. Although my little girl can play up occasionally, this really gets to me. My friend also just moved to the same side of town as me... Completely out of the blue and desperately wants her daughter to go to the same school as mine in September and is pulling every string to get her in. I asked why and she said that it was purely because my daughter will look after her. Although I'm extremely flattered, I just feel suffocated and frustrated. She presumes a lot of things. When we viewed pre-schools, her daugher's nursery was one of a number we viewed but in the end decided it was too far away. When I next saw her, she said "so when is your daughter starting at my daughter's pre-school then?" I do feel sorry for her and I know I'm coming across as a bad and rubbish friend but I just worry that things have escalated very fast. Any advice would be welcome.