Tad confused

[Notacluedo]

Just typed a loooong post but it deleted so I'll make this one brief.

DH works away during the week and usually leaves early on Monday morning. We have four young children. He has a high sex drive, I don't at the moment. You can see where this one's going.

He said he was off to bed. I assumed he was showering so finished off what I was doing and went up 15 minutes later. He was lying in the dark so I asked what he was doing and he got really angry. Why hadn't I come up with him, why was I still fully clothed and why couldn't I show a modicum of interest. He feels entitled to regular sex as it's one of the things he enjoys most. I enjoy it too but could go for a while without. It has become a thing now. If we didn't have sex when we could have during a weekend, he gets in a foul mood for the next day or longer. I would never tell him I wasn't in the mood - it wouldn't be worth it. Anyway, I digress. So he got really angry, told me he should have left when the children went to bed as he's wasted the evening and drove to the city he works in and will now be in a mood all week.

It all happened so quickly - I told him I'd assumed he knew that's why I was coming upstairs, given that's what happens most weekends. He wants me to be more interested. I get that. I don't want it to be a duty either but seriously, if this is the reaction then how can it not be an issue? I can't pretend to be a sex kitten if I don't feel like one. Or should I? He wants me to want sex more but I can't help it. And with this pressure, it's even more of an issue.

So I'd just like to know if I'm being unfair? It's so hard to see when you're in it! He makes huge sacrifices for us and I love him - he wants to be loved and appreciated. I understand that. Should I be making more of an effort? And if so, how, please?! Thanks in advance.

[clam]

"Apologies?" That's how he phrases saying sorry for viewing you as a receptacle for sex?
Yes, I'd agree he's being sarcastic - which paints him in an even worse light, if that's possible.
Ignore it. Do not respond.

[Notacluedo]

Nope

[AnyFucker]

Does he know you use mumsnet ?

[Notacluedo]

Yes. He sees it as me not making him a priority and being interested enough in sex. Like it's a chore. He's just sent an email saying apologies, he's got totally unrealistic expectations of me. Sounds more sarcastic than genuine. I really can't be bothered with this.

[clam]

So, you were coming up to bed, and presumably would have had sex with him. He, however, chucked his toys out of the pram because he was having to wait longer than he thought he should?

[Cabrinha]

Good lord don't show him this thread! You'll get told its man hating bitches and lose a space to be heard and get advice.

[AnyFucker]

Please don't show him this thread. I would rather talk to you, not him. And he will dismiss us as a bunch of man hating, frigid feminists I reckon.

If he doesn't respect your own right to bodily autonomy, he won't take our word for it either

I am not at all surprised to see that his attitude towards you is unsatisfactory in other ways. Behaviour like you have described is rarely confined to the bedroom.

[Notacluedo]

Thanks all.

At least it appears I'm not cracking up. It's making me think of other little things I don't like too I might show him this thread.

[clam]

There's no way he'd be having sex with me at all, with that attitude. Bloody hell!

Re-read what you've said. Here are some of the words/phrases you've used:
entitled, foul mood, wasted evening, angry, pressure, I owe him, he feels he doesn't ask for much, he feels short-changed, disproportionate response, if I were respectful of his needs.

[Windywinston]

That was to AnyFucker

[Windywinston]

Fair point

[Queenofwands]

The reason I said that was because you were going to have sex with him ( albeit out of duty ) but he left anyway. He was nasty and described his evening as wasted and left. That tells me it's about more than sex drive....if he's away all week perhaps he is watching porn and he thinks the sex you are up for is too vanilla ( compared to the crap he has been watching) Or he is resentful about something and is using your sex life as a stick to beat you with. It sounds like it's about control to me.

[AnyFucker]

Yes, he may try to use the SAHM situation as a tool of coercion

But it is of no consequence if you believe that no person owes another person access to their body.

Accept that basic premise and the individual circumstances are of no account at all

[Windywinston]

I'm not sure it is a red herring, I get the impression reading between the lines he may well use it to make her feel like she owes him whatever he wants, including sex.

If this is what's happening OP you need to see through it.

[ChimesAndCarols]

How does he manage his sexual desires when he is away all week?

[AnyFucker]

The SAHM situation is a red herring.

If he is attempting to coerce you into sex he is waaaaay out of order.

[Windywinston]

So all the compromise has to be yours?

Does he appreciate your contribution to your partnership, or does he make you feel like you should be grateful to him?

[AnyFucker]

Does he want you to pretend ? To fake it ? No respectful partner would want that, surely ?

[Chippednailvarnish]

If I were truly respectful of his needs, I'd be more enthusiastic

If he were truly respectful of your needs, he'd be be more sensitive.

[Notacluedo]

windy that's how I see it in rational moments too but then he believes the flip side to be true. If I were truly respectful of his needs, I'd be more enthusiastic.

[Tobyjugg]

What windy said.

[Notacluedo]

We do talk about it (usually when it hasn't happened that way he'd like) but it always ends up the same way. He definitely feels short changed.

queen nope, I don't think he was picking a fight. He's not really like that. It's now just such an emotionally charged subject that if we don't manage it for whatever reason it's a disproportionate response (I think. He thinks I'm being totally unreasonable. And odd).

[AnyFucker]

QOW...what ?

[Windywinston]

You say you're lucky that he allows you to be a SAHM, so you feel like you owe him. If you look at that a different way, he's lucky to have you as a SAHM so he can concentrate on his career without having to worry day to day about the needs of his children and the domestic chores. If he works away all week, you're basically left to manage everything alone, so you're putting an awful lot into your partnership so no, you don't owe him.

The only thing you owe to each other is to be respectful of each other's needs, and he doesn't sound like he is. It's ok to want sex with your partner, but if they don't fancy it, it's not ok to throw a massive strop about it, particularly since it sounds like you rarely withhold from him. What sort of person wants to have sex with someone knowing they're not really feeling it?

[Queenofwands]

Do you think he was picking a fight? If he was that horny he wouldn't have left without the sex that was on offer. Does he hate his job?