How to stop being so passive - I am wasting my life!

[textingdisaster]

Hi

Am 45 years old, have 3 dc (1 in secondary school, 2 at primary) and am a SAHM.

Dh and I are probably in what you would describe as a loveless marriage. Yet I do nothing about anything. Almost as if the fact that I get no approval or affection from him (he basically ignores me) means that there is no point to anything. We have been to counselling together but that was short lived as he stopped coming after about 5 sessions.

Really should be getting myself together and sorting out work for myself as well as sorting out the house better but instead seem to spend all my time obsessing about how much my h doesn't like me and on mumsnet .

I really need to break out of my cycle and become more productive but instead cannot stop thinking about all the things that are (very) wrong with my marriage and also how scared I am of a potential divorce.

Basically how can I break out of my rut despite the fact that my h has no respect/love for me and does not view me as an equal partner?

[textingdisaster]

there is kind of no point (that must have been autocorrect ).

[textingdisaster]

of them

[textingdisaster]

I mean they think they are always right to the extent that I don't bother talking to one or two of as they are a bit scary and their is kind of no point.

[textingdisaster]

Monny I wish you all the best . I recognise the narcissism because I think this trait is really prevalent in h and his siblings. They are powerful but detached and in many different ways things are mostly about them and their moods. They are also always right .

[Monny]

textingdisaster I am living with him in body but not in spirit. I guess I have finally emotionally unplugged from him so I can now do this. I have also 'defined' what is going on. I know that it's emotional abuse/narcissism. So instead of just being messed with and ending up as a mess, I can say 'ah, that's just gas lighting me' or 'no, my memory is right, XYZ defo. happened'. I do wobble but then get back up again. I have also told some good and trusted friends what is going on and this has helped boost me forward and force me to take action. If you say it out loud... you've gotta do it.

[textingdisaster]

Sorry kitty I missed your message where you said he would miss having me to project his crap on to. He is definitely very blaming. Almost like a knee jerk reaction to almost everything.

Also very hard on himself though - I have heard him call himself "idiot" many times. No surprise then that he has harsh standards for everyone else then .

[textingdisaster]

But yes, he definitely has bullying tendencies.

[textingdisaster]

Sorry missed your posts kitty and benzalkonium.

I agree re. validation from others being important. I recently did a four saturday course and was totally immersed in it for the hours I was there and hardly thought about h at all. It was lovely!

I suppose someone telling you they want to separate is a gutting thing and h is a very defensive/emotionally reactive type. Not one to discuss things rationally.

[textingdisaster]

But start with one little step, enjoy the achievement and find another step, and another until you're jogging then running (I'm currently jogging and building up staminer for a damn fine sprint). I didn't start off thinking of divorce, just making life better.

Thanks monny. Are you still living with your h at the moment?

The thing which stops me in my tracks is feeling continually saddened by how things are between us because it is so "not normal" for a "relationship". So that feeling constantly gutted gets in the way of being normal and active because being like this with each other is kind of an aberration or not how I want to be as a human being.

[Benzalkonium]

I'm not sure if this is helpful, as it's focused on work rather than relationship, but expecting yourself to be able to work from home in your current state is really unrealistic. Working from home requires a great deal of internal motivation and organisation; and you need to feel really good about yourself and what you are doing to maintain that.

Working for someone else however would be a stepping stone to greater self belief that you can fulfil a role which is valued by others.

Sounds like a divorce is going to be a battle. If that's going to be the main focus other than the kids, it's not surprising you're finding it hard to face. You need other structures in your life, and a part time job which pays money, might give you the strength you need

[kittybiscuits]

When you mention separating he tells you to 'fuck off then'. That's everything you need to say about the relationship. No one should treat you like that. Please consider why you would even think that that was ok. And I mean that kindly, because I doubt he is the first person to treat you so shittily.

[textingdisaster]

You are right kitty. He does turn on the charm. Things like telling her he will take her on shopping trips to choose door handles when he does nothing for my birthday and never has (sort of a family thing - none of the adults in his family do anything for each others' birthdays but still....). And the flashing of his smile which I never get (though granted I am so permanently annoyed about stuff that I don't smile either - it's all very bitter and twisted!).

Thank you to you and everyone else for all your help. Will get all my ducks completely in a row (including organising work) so that the next time there is a massive bust up, or if nothing improves between h and I, I am in a position to take the next step without feeling out of control.

[Monny]

I'm sorry you are in such a miserable situation. It took me many years of gradually being worn down and feeling more depressed and scared (emotionally not physically). One day my DH went too far and I realised he made me so scared of life that I realised that if I didn't care if I lived or died, actually nothing could really be scarier. So I started to change, little by little. I did one thing scary to me a week.

I also looked at my daughter and asked myself if I wanted the same for her (will she stay in a bad relationship because she saw me unable to go?) Would my DS treat his future DW the same and make himself and her miserable too?

A weird one that also helped was listening to music from a time when I had hopes and 'attitude'. It started to rub off...

But start with one little step, enjoy the achievement and find another step, and another until you're jogging then running (I'm currently jogging and building up staminer for a damn fine sprint). I didn't start off thinking of divorce, just making life better, but as scary as divorce seems, staying is much scarier.

[kittybiscuits]

Yes he will fight, blame and make it difficult. He isn't going to give you permission to go. He needs you. He needs you to project all the crap onto. Also, I've had different counsellors over the years. One of them thought my ex was great and stuck up for him a lot. So did two couples counsellors. But they were wrong. Timing and finding the right person are important for therapy x

[kittybiscuits]

But he isn't doing those things and how long can you wait?

I understand the jealousy. I feel it too about my ex's new relationship. But honestly, it's more fear that he could have a wonderful relationship with someone else and that it will turn out that it was all just me that was the problem, as he has always said. But honestly, that's bullshit, because he is not capable of doing that. Just because your OH can turn on the charm when it suits, does that mean he's capable of a sustained loving relationship?

You will get there x

[textingdisaster]

And didn't spend each and every evening staring at his laptop for hours and hours. Completely and utterly closed off.

Or speak to his mother in their language ignoring the fact that I am also in the room like he did last weekend when we were there . Sorry, going off at a slight tangent!!

I went to see a solicitor earlier on this year during a particularly awful patch, so I kind of know the basics of what would happen. It would be one monstrous headache however as h is not the type to separate amicably. He is still bitter about his first divorce (his ex wife got the much larger family home while he got a smaller business property). During our joint counselling he said that he had bought the house we live in before we got married. He seems to equate paying the mortgage with owning the property . I think he does realise what happens in divorce (assets shared etc..) but he would fight it beforehand by psychologically making it very difficult for me (in the past when I have mentioned separating he has told me to "fuck off then").

[textingdisaster]

Thank you for your recent messages everyone.

Above all, you will find your way out by being kind and compassionate to yourself. Beating yourself up for feeling and being so passive can be something that keeps you there. Thank you for this kitty, I will keep this in mind. Also this which I can relate to: Starting to find you and your own reality is like rescuing yourself from an octopus that keeps trying to get a hold of you. I am still unlearning the habits of second guessing another person 24/7 and learning to me more focused on me. That is a pattern that goes back to my childhood.

I finished two years of one to one counselling over a year ago and to be honest I did not find it that helpful (though maybe the counsellor and I were not a particularly good fit or though she was kind and supportive, she did not "challenge" me enough) - I seemed to spend a lot of time talking about h and how hurt I felt. I think I myself have moved on since then however as I somehow feel stronger in myself and less constantly hurt. This might have something to do with the fact that h has toned down some of his worst behaviour however.

Will also look on Pinterest raspberry

The thing which confuses me a bit is the fact that I am jealous of someone h does a lot of work for who is very gushy and super nice to him. If I am jealous of someone I think h may or may not have feelings for (but he is definitely more polite to her than he is to me as he can't ignore her the way he does me and expect her to give him more work ), does that mean I still have feelings for h?

Basically I would be very happy to be with h if he showed me affection, was willing to talk about things and viewed me as an equal partner.

[kittybiscuits]

Hi texting. I felt very similarly to you for years and I separated one month ago today. I have not cried a single tear for my ex because the relationship died over many years and I miss nothing about him. I was terrified of being apart from my children but superdad barely sees them. I just shake my head and wonder why I put up with it for so long. But I'm not judging myself because there were reasons why.

There is some really great advice on this thread. You also have the advantage of understanding your own role in this dead relationship - that means you are off the starting blocks and stepping out of the confusion.

Therapy was very helpful to me. I needed to keep out of the way of people who said 'well if it's so bad why haven't you left him?' (my family) and be around people who cared for me and asked me questions kindly and with curiosity rather than judgement. Starting to find you and your own reality is like rescuing yourself from an octopus that keeps trying to get a hold of you. I am still unlearning the habits of second guessing another person 24/7 and learning to me more focused on me. That is a pattern that goes back to my childhood.

You have the advantage of him working away at the moment. Could you try and focus your energies on those times - when you really have space to be yourself and please yourself? Above all, you will find your way out by being kind and compassionate to yourself. Beating yourself up for feeling and being so passive can be something that keeps you there. I wish you well on your journey - you're definitely on your way x

[RaspberryBeret34]

I wonder if having counselling alone might help you?

Similar to FolkGirl's suggestion, when my ex and I separated I created a (secret) Pinterest board and pinned pictures of what I wanted in my life - some of which was stuff I already had (eg pinned a pic of a happy smiling woman and toddler) and some was what I wanted for the future (both short and long term). I still sometimes look at it now nearly 2 years on :). It was really inspirational to help me work out who I was (am), what I wanted etc.

Also, it seems like you've spent a lot of time thinking about all this (which is totally understandable) but now the entire process (plus all potential problems) and emotions of divorce are layed out before you in a huge pile. You end up wondering how on earth you'll deal with the million issues you can think of, all at once! The reality is that some days will feel hideous, there will be problems but you deal with each day as it comes - the good and bad. You deal with problems as they arise. You don't have to worry about the entire journey, just take the first steps.

Having said all that, I'd probably start by getting a free 1/2 hr of legal advice as it sounds like things could be financially complex - it may help to find and photocopy bank statements, mortgage details etc. But as you're married, he can't just say "the house is in my name, you're not entitled to any".

Many people i know who have divorced, including myself, have felt more relief than grief as much of the grieving as already been done in the latter stages of the relationship.

[Scarletohello]

It sounds like you feel defeated and overwhelmed at the moment which is understandable considering what you are going through. You also seem to be very fearful about the future. However nothing will change unless you start to put things in motion. You do deserve better than this. You are entitled to stay in the house till the kids are 18. I think it would be helpful for you to go see a solicitor to see what your legal rights are so you know where you stand. You only have one life, how do you envisage it to be in 5 or 10 years time..?

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

Whatever works for you. As long as you move forward in not accepting this treatment.

[textingdisaster]

Thanks for the . Same to you!

[textingdisaster]

So, knowing that it is strength sapping, maybe the way for me to deal with it is to build in as much comfort and support into my life as possible so that I am not knocked for six by things h may or may not say or do. Constantly forearmed.

Maybe I also need to develop a tougher skin.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

[textingdisaster]

Yes I think I am pretty strong to have put up with how difficult h has been at times (think weeks of silence) .

Thanks halloween .

It's this weird feeling of "who am I" to cause such havoc to my dc as well as the eternal thought that I haven't done enough to try to improve things (which finding work might). Also a feeling of guilt that I might relish independence more than being a full time Mum to my dc (which is not true but the outcome of divorce would be spending less time with my kids which is a gut wrenching thought).

But you are right, a stagnant relationship is a strength sapping situation.