this hurts so much :(

[jimmijam]

Hi,
I'll try to keep this fairly brief.
For a few weeks my dh of over 9 years barely spoke to me. In the end I gave up trying to talk to him too, then I suggested marriage counselling which he said yes to. and a date night (i got a babysitter) which he said yes to. The morning of our date night (it didnt happen) I asked him if he was hiding something from me (thinking maybe an illness), in short he admitted to having an affair. After many many lies turns out it went on for a few months of dirty calls and texts. then within days of us getting back from our holiday abroad (the photos hadnt even been framed) he started sleeping with her-going to work early , coming home late. but at 4am and 1am i was asleep. I work nights, when I was asleep he was taking our 2 year old on dates with her!!!
ive spent years asking for more communication eg let me know how his days going on his break at work (we used to work at the same place but opposite shifts, until i left there just over a year ago), he never did, never replied to my texts etc
yet she got many texts and calls everyday- after i found out i checked his bill-as i paid his bill!!!
i asked and never got, she just got them. apparently because she told him she fancied him. i told him i loved him!
she got off to her on the phone in my bed! which i'm still paying for!

after finding out i instantly gave him option her or me 'i dont know' etc etc
(hes 46 and shes 21 btw, im 28, we have 3 children together)
a few days after throwing him out he came home saying he'd made a mistake and wanted me back. i asked if just for the kids. he said'i dont know'
a few days later still saying 'i swear on the kids lives ill never do it again etc' he slept with her again

oh yes, every time was unprotected and they talked about having a baby together

anyway.... hes still trying to come back and i keep considering it.
but i keep being let down.

i know hes a twat
i can see nothing wold really change

i love him. dont know why but i still want him.
is it because he was my 1st? because we have 3 children together? because i had completely trusted him? because we were together virtually my whole adult life so far?
i know no-one can answer this.
its been nearly 7 weeks now!

:'(

has anyone else got back together with a cheating partner and its worked?
i know those who have and some where it hasnt worked.. but none of them did it to the extent my dh did.

im now depressed (i am seeking help for this)
one day calm the next angry, the next i cant stop crying.

how long and how to i sort myself out please.

[Anotherchapter]

jim I had a shit dad. I'm only just forgiving him and solely letting him back in my life. Men have the ability to walk away very easily, crating a new family and leaving the mother to pick the bloody mess up.

I remember sticking up for my dad when my mother complained he never gave any support for me, I was about eight and I really missed him. He however shacked up with wife number two had two lads and is now married to wife No.3. Her grand kids are his beloved grand kids. He does stuff with them he never did with mine and that bloody hurts.

Try not slag him off to your kids and don't take what they say to heart. You will have to do a lot of work with your dd now trying to fix the emotional upset he will have caused her.

The thing is, if you talk to your friends and family, it makes it real and you have to deal with it. This is in no part your fault, why should you feel ashamed?

People will rally round you. My friend is going through a break up, I'm spending a lot of time with her walkng and talkng. She has also just lost a family member and found out that one of her dc has ADHD and Tourette's. Her heads well and truly up her arse. It helps to talk to some one you know.

I would change your number or block his, so your not checkng your phone or can't text him. It's really hard this bit.


If he begs, cries to come back, just remember he shouldn't have gone there in the first place. He has already lied and cheated to get what he wants - he will do it again. He is not to be trusted.

Take from the time you have been together that you have your beautiful dc. Look at my username, why do you think I have that? I closed a page on a bad situation and started again. So can you x

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Talk to them when you feel ready. Keep posting here, we do care but you will need RL support.

It didn't mean nothing, he just changed. Your DCs are testament to the love you had, hold them close, you know they will be your strength.

[jimmijam]

Such lovely words, thankyou.
Here is good.
Right now I don't feel up to talking to friends or my mum about how I'm feeling at the moment.
Although I desperately feel the need to speak to him :'( years of something and then suddenly it's just gone. Like it meant nothing. :'(

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh jimmi there's no denying how painful it is. Even when your head tells you that ending it is the right thing, it can take your heart and awful long time to catch up. It sucks.

thestamp is right though. The only thing to do is get through it. There are no magic wands although there ARE things you can do to help eg keep busy, exercise, eat well, surround yourself with people who love you and go NC

You will get though this. You will, I promise. Even though it doesn't feel like it now

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Sadly, I have been where you are and it always breaks my heart when another thread like this pops up. I feel your pain and confusion and I know where you are at - like many others on here. I got amazing support on here and it got me through the dark times and suicidal thoughts. My stbxh was my absolute world! I was jealous of other former wives who had come through it and at times when they told me it would pass, I thought, "how can you know how I'm feeling? Our marriage was different".

But - they were right.

I was a ball of mess, depressed, desperate and tried everything to win him back, but he'd checked out months before.

I so wanted it to be a year down the line, the pain was so severe, physically and mentally. I got sick, really sick, physically and mentally. I reached a point when I realised I was only hurting myself, my darling son and my friends and family who were all so worried about me.

I changed my thinking to, "enough Cotton, enough". I cried when I needed to but then it got less and less. Posters on here always told me to take baby steps. Don't think one year down the line, baby steps.

I don't and never have reached the anger stage, everyone is different. I just feel numb towards him. I'm okay, a year down the line, I'm okay. I had my turning point 4 months after he left for OW. I realised this was my life, I owed it to myself to make it a good one, to move forward.

I totally understand where you are coming from with the dancing thing and feeling like you're cheating. 8 months after he left, I started dating again, I have met some lovely men, gentle and caring but I think of me first and my DS.

You will get there sweetheart. You deserve a better life and it will be yours. Your DCs will be happy as long as you're happy. Do not compromise yourself for something that used to be familiar because you are scared of the unknown. Take time to grieve and then say, "enough jimmijami, enough".

I wish you strength

[jimmijam]

#bitoutofpractice# #thestamp# #3mum# and #anotherchapter# you're all spot on...
Thankyou, but no I'm a mess. Just keep taking deep breaths and whispering to myself 'it's over. It's over'
Everything you said stamp, is me!

3 mum, exactly the same situation. I'm so sorry to hear you went through it too! It's good to hear from someone who's been through pretty much exactly the same though!
He works shifts though so he'd only possibly have dcs overnight in school holidays I expect.

Another chapter- I know there's nothing wrong with a single parent , I'm from a single parent family myself. After all this time & with everything else though it hadn't even been a possibility that had entered my mind. Our eldest often even said to us she could see how much we loved each other- even within days if us ending.
How he could do this to our children disgusts me, our daughter is nearly 9, she was completely distraught, & I was the one left to deal with it, & her saying things like 'it's your fault daddy doesn't live here, he doesn't want his girlfriend anymore, he wants you'. Luckily she rarely to never says this type of thing now. How can you do that to your own children?!
Tell you what though, it made me realise I shouldn't bother looking for my own 'dad'- if he'd really wanted to know me he would have found me!

[Anotherchapter]

Ha! What a wanker! He is blaming you for the finish. Please don't text back trying to defend yourself.

There is nothing wrong with single parent families. I raised my 19 yo dd and she is bloody awsome.

[3mum]

I have been where you are now OP. My exH also "didn't know" and also kept running off behind my back to the OW whilst promising he was doing everything to win me back. He had unprotected sex and pregnancy scares too and took our unsuspecting youngest on "dates" with her and her DC.

I'll tell you what I wish I had been told then. When a relationship reaches this point it is dead in the water. He is utterly untrustworthy and he does not care how much he hurts you or your DC. He may say he does but his actions bely it.

At this point it needs to be all about you and the DC. See a solicitor asap, gather all your paperwork together, take half of everything out of the joint accounts before he takes the lot and plan on your life as a separate thing. It does not feel like it now but you are well rid of a man who has turned out to lack a moral compass.

I wasted 18 months torturing myself and finding out again and again that he "could not help it" before I realised these home truths. Only when you take this on board can you start the climb up again.

And I won't lie to you, the sending your children off to him and his OW sucks. But you do get used to it and you may find either that the novelty of having his DC for a whole weekend wears off pretty smartly or, as I did, that as they get older they (1) see right through him and (2) don't always want to see him so don't go.

Good luck. It is a shitty path and as you say, it is not one you chose. But you and your DC will be fine and there will come a point when you look back on this as something which is in your past and is no longer of any interest.

[thestamp]

what a complete cunt.

can i just say, you kept taking him back and trying again because you wanted to avoid the pain. which is natural, you'd be mad not to want to avoid it. you wanted him to prove his love to you, so you could feel some balm on these dreadful wounds he's made.

it takes a while to realise that there is no balm and that you the only way out is through. "When you find yourself in hell, keep walking", as they say.

it hurts a lot though doesn't it. a lot. of course you've been trying to make the pain go away. but you've seen now that you need to leave this person behind or you might never stop feeling the pain.

it's going to be hard but you will get through this and recover.

it's wonderful that you're being assessed for therapy etc. DO NOT understate how bad you feel, tell them, don't downplay it. you need support. this man has fucked you and your children over terribly and you need that care, so ask for it, grab hold of it, welcome it.

he can't help you. in time, you'll accept that and start to learn ways to help yourself. you'll come out of this stronger. you really will.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh jimmijam that reply made my blood boil. "blaming" you for the end of the relationship as if it was your choice that she went out and fucked someone else. He can't even take responsibility for what he's done. Spinless prick

Are you OK? I know you're not but you know what I mean

[jimmijam]

He replied (along with I'm at the dr I've hurt my back ) saying 'if that's what you want '
In other words
'Thats what I really want'

[AnyFucker]

There is nothing "crap" about ending this relationship with the same amount of respect he has shown you. A text was actually very generous of you. Well done.

[jimmijam]

I had Sti tests straight away, thankyou. All clear but have to wait until October to do another HIV test.

Yes obviously 2 is the better option.

I tried phoning him but he was at work.
I know this sounds crap but it's no more than he deserves anyway... & I knew I should do it while I felt 'ok' about doing it. I messaged him saying it'll never work, I'm done. Didn't hear back.
We're done.

I've got work tonight so at least I won't be lay in bed awake with everything going around my head, I'll be kept busy with work & company of colleagues instead.

[AnyFucker]

Well, I suppose you do still have a choice

1. devalue yourself and cling on to a man who is using you until something better comes along]
   
   
2. take control and decide you don't have to tolerate this, and give your kids a better example of how to live a life with integrity
   
   It's a choice

[AnyFucker]

this isn't a "family" though, is it ?

he is dipping his wick elsewhere, risking your sexual health (have you booked that STI test, btw?) and making the mother of your children utterly miserable

what is remotely "family" about that ?

better a one parent family where the single parent is not treated
like a piece of shit

[jimmijam]

It sort of doesn't feel like the choice has been taken away at this point though.

[jimmijam]

It still feels surreal.
And yes it does feel like grieving for a marriage. Only I've never grieved over anyone like this before. X

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sadly it's not a case of bringing yourself to do anything. This has been imposed on you and you have very little choice. Your DCs still have a 2 parent family, it's just that one of those parents lives in another location.

[jimmijam]

Hello.
He doesn't live at home, he's renting a room from some other people in their house. (But they're behind on the rent so be interesting to see what he does when they're evicted)

I like the using a 3rd party for access idea!
Suppose I don't want to let go because it's not how I though we'd ever be :'( I'd always thought wherever we ended up, even in a cardboard box, that we 'd be together as a family.
I'd always felt proud my kids would grow up in a 2 parent family (I don't know my dad). All of that is gone . It's a lot to let go of. I know I need to cut the ties. I just can't bring myself to do it x

[rainbowinmyroom]

Does he have form for this? In his past? Because he will just keep repeating it until he gets too old for women to pay him attention.

[Anotherchapter]

tie a bow on his stupid head and send him to her -

^^ absafuckinglutley

[AnyFucker]

I am trying to find some words of comfort, but if you keep hoping he will change into a decent man, I am afraid I have none

The only sane thing you can do, for you and your kids, is to detach from him. Yes, he may go to her. But that is all the more reason to cut him loose. Please don't cling on to him so he doesn't go to her...that is the ultimate act of demeaning yourself. he won't have any respect left for you at all if you do that, and neither will you have for yourself

Your kids deserve better than this. You two are showing them a terrible example of what a loving relationship should be like. Him for being a cheating arsehole, and you for giving the impression that this is all that women can expect.

Tie a bow on his stupid head and send him to her. You will move on. He will always be a second rate kinda person.

[Anotherchapter]

I cut my hair. Got a new do and that felt as if I was cutting him off.

I blocked his number and changed the locks.

At first I spoke through a third party regarding dd1 and access.

Got myself to the gym - the endorphins did wonders and I put my stress in to running.

Starting getting in touch with my old friends and started going out.

The worst thing to do is stay in licking your wounds.

I was very kind to myself and gave myself daily talks to myself in the mirror about, how I was getting through this! how well I was doing.

Book a holiday.

Of course there were days when I just burst out crying when I thought I was doing well, in the street, cooking tea or watching tv.

When you start getting better and he sees the change in you, he will be crawlng back. The hardest part is not talking him back. Surround your self with good friends xx

[Fudgeface123]

If it's not her it will be someone else, if you go back to him you're giving him permission to do it again and again and again...for the rest of your life

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He's already with her, I'm afraid. He has a flat of his own for a reason and you can't influence his behaviour. You didn't push him into anyone's arms and you can't pull him back either. It's frustrating and upsetting but this was his decision alone.

Please focus on yourself and you DCs. What you're experiencing is a grief process and it takes as long as it takes. Talk to your friends and get all the help you need. Talk to your GP if you're really struggling mentally. It's going to sound like a cliché but this really does pan out one day at a time - some better than others. Make the most of the good days, look after yourself on the bad days and eventually the good days will be more frequent than the bad.