Heavily pregnant and husband refuses to discuss

[Hewhodares]

I'm at my wits end and need some advice as to how to handle this situation.
I am 41 and currently 37 weeks pregnant.
My husband and I have been together 20 years and have always had a good marriage. We have two funny girls (7&10) and we have worked hard with our own businesses to make a good life or ourselves.
In October 2012 we found out we were expecting baby no3. I was shocked but had always assumed and hoped we would have 3. DH completely lost the plot, he told me it was the worst day of his life and it reminded him of how he felt when he lost his father.
He refused to sleep in our room and became depressed. I told him that I would look into having a termination as I was stunned by his reaction.
We went to a clinic, even after my GP advised me against a termination, and I agreed to terminate my pregnancy at 5 weeks.
I was overwhelmed by the feeling of guilt that he put on me, and stunned by his reaction that I put his feelings enforce my own. A decision I will forever regret.
I slipped into a depression, I didn't want my own daughters around me, and I shut myself off.
We had long talks and he told me that he never realised that I would be affected the way I was. He said he regretted what I had done & that we should try again.
I then had four miscarriages. Each time becoming lower and lower. I ended up having to go on medication as I couldn't come to terms with the guilt and hate of myself that I felt or the termination.
DH was unable to talk to me about what I was going through.
I plodded along for 6months on medication and was ok.
In November I found out I was expecting again..told DH..not happy.
However I was happy and felt this little one would stick around.
He/she has.
In March my dad, who I am very close too, was diagnosed with cancer and I have been helping him get through his gruelling chemo since then. It's been heartbreaking. DH has been supportive throughout my dads illness but he cannot discuss this baby with me.
I am an emotional wreck, I'm exhausted, and incredibly lonely. I may have this aby at anytime but te burden of the guilt I am carrying from DH is immense.
He says he wants to be at the delivery but I cant see why? He won't discuss the baby, names, anything.
I am so down at the moment after such a stressful pregnancy that I already feel I can't cope.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a hammering for this post...as as I read it back I just think how awful it reads... I'm just not sure how to deal with the delivery, and the hurt and the shame that I'm feeling.
I am not a weak person usually but I just feel so low at mo.

Ps my girls are completely over the moon about the new baby and that does make me very happy.

[SmallBee]

OP what a difficult time you're going through at the moment.
If your DDs are excited about the baby then perhaps you could talk about names & go shopping for the baby stuff with them? It sounds like you need to be around people who're excited about your new baby & it could be a lot of fun.
I also second the idea of asking your friend to be there with you at the birth & just say your OH is watching your other DDs.
Congratulations on your impending arrival

[3littlefrogs]

Hewhodares
You have the same gap between your DC as I have.
I was 42 when I had my third DC and I was devastated to find myself pregnant.
All I can say is that it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened for all of us. I can't imagine not having my dd, she has been an absolute joy from day 1.
Your H's behaviour is disgraceful. I don't have any advice as to how to come to terms with that, or whether you can build bridges with him. He is an utter fool.
Whatever happens, you and your DDs will have this wonderful new baby to love and treasure. I wish you all the best and hope that your own family will give you lots of support.

[ravenmum]

Anyway, stuff him, at least for the moment, you have things to do. Whether or not he helps, and whether or not your relationship comes out unscathed, you are about to welcome a new little person into your family. What names have you got in mind for the baby?

[ravenmum]

So just your average midlife crisis, maybe? If you say you are not sure, though, there's a lack of communication. You say he won't communicate. Have you asked him specific questions, such as "Are you unhappy because of xyz?" - maybe he thinks you already know what his problem is. But even if you think you do know, you can't be sure. Men can be such dolts about expressing themselves, but it's all too typical for us women to automatically take on the blame and assume that we know what is going on without their saying anything!

[smilingeyes79]

How old was his dad when he died / is he approaching that age ? I know my uncle really struggled with his children / ideas of mortality as he approached the age his father died.

No excuse for behaviour, however maybe he doesnt even know its why he is feeling like this.... However for you its time to get a bit selfish and plan your labour/delivery and keep as calm as you can. Get a friend on stand by, have everything ready and use these last few days/weeks with your children and allowing yourself to get excited :-)

Hope baby arrives safe and well x

[Blu]

Sorry, OP, I missed lots of intervening posts on my phone .

In the end, you know, he didn't make you have a termination , you caved in. And be can't make you feel ok about that . And now you can't make him want another baby. You are both caught up in this.

I do agree he is being spoilt if it is about hisifestyle: it is about the new little human, now.

But it might help to talk honestly about how you both got to this situation .

Whatever happens, your baby will be precious and a source of joy: congratulations .

[Hewhodares]

No ravenmum his dad was 48 and he was 21 - I think it's more to do with the effect on his lifestyle.

[ravenmum]

So did he have an older dad who died when your husband was still young, and now maybe he's scared of being an older dad and causing pain to his children by dying when they are still teenagers? Could that be it? Has he said anything like that, or are you left to guess what problems he has?

[Blu]

Goodness, OP, what a complex situation .

What were his reasons for being so against the pg that was terminated? And why then did he agree to starting all the subsequent babies that were lost?

It all sounds so sad for you both, and through all that neither of you seems to be able to balance and communicate what you want and feel. Having watched you have the termination you so badly didn't want , did he then feel he had to make it up yo you and start pregnancies that he also didn't want?

I' ll go against the grain here, but just as you could 't reconcile yourself to the termination, equally he hasn't been able to reconcile to wanting another child, but has gone along with it because you do badly wanted it, just as you did the termination.

Would counseling help you to talk to each other? You both sound do unhappy.

[Northernlurker]

You have older children - use them as the excuse for him not being there if you have to. People will understand that. Good luck OP :)

[Hewhodares]

northernlurker I'm not sure i think it's because he enjoys his lifestyle and thinks that's going to end for a while. He is moaning at the moment that we won't be going away this summer.. (This is despite him going away with the lads to Las Vegas in April just gone)
I agree with you re the conversation - that is going to have to happen very soon and I don't want to end up having a c section on my own.
A freind of mine would come with me but how do I even begin to explain why he's not there.
Food for thought..
Thank you again for your advice

[Northernlurker]

I don't think that's a very helpful remark superstar.

Lots of people react to unexpected pregnancy by wanting to terminate in the hope that that will return the situation to the previous status quo. It doesn't work like that imo but a lot of people hope it will.

[superstarheartbreaker]

So if he is struggling with mortality why is he so into termination as a form of contraception?

[HumblePieMonster]

I wish you well. I hope you have a straightforward delivery and do not suffer from depression afterwards. I hope you have strength enough for yourself, your baby and your girls. Can you access counselling? It might be a good idea to apply right now. And ask for counselling after you've given birth. Every bit of talking you can do will help.

I have no sympathy for him whatsoever. None. He pressurised you into terminating a pregnancy when you wouldn't otherwise have done so. That is a terrible, terrible thing to do to a woman. Bad enough if its her first pregnancy, but even worse if she already knows what it is to hold her baby in her arms. You say he is 'a good man'. I say he is a man who deliberately, knowingly, required his wife to terminate a pregnancy. I have words for that but I cannot use them here. 'A slap' or to re-think his position is not significant enough to deal with what he has done. Don't minimise it.

If you stay with him or not, mentally detach. Your family unit is you and your children. What is he? Who knows? Maybe in time he will be the good man you say he is.

[Northernlurker]

Sorry x posted - his dad died 25 years ago? So he wasn't that much older than your kids when he lost him? A teen/young adult? I think that is more at the root of this than you'd expect. He lost his dad young, he doesn't want to put his kids through that, probably fears it more than anything - so a new baby isn't a source of pleasure. It's another child he has to worry about leaving.

Oh op - I feel for you but I really feel for him too. Tough times.

[superstarheartbreaker]

He hasn't been just distant though has he? He's been a complete an utter arse bag and completely detached from YOU too.

[Northernlurker]

I suspect your husband is struggling with his mortality OP. We all do that and the death or illness of older loved ones is a prime trigger. In his case though it sounds like a pregnancy had that impact on him too. Perhaps he was worried he was too old to be a good dad? Who knows. I believe he is a good man and I reckon he's probably feeling guilt and all sorts of mixed up feelings about this situation. He needs to pull it together though or he will lose you. Have you actually told him you feel wretched? I wonder if suggesting somebody else be a birth partner as well might be a way in to that conversation. When he says why you can tell him that it is clear he is struggling and you're having major surgery. You need to be with somebody focused on you.

[Hewhodares]

Topseyt I sadly, and still disbelievingly, don't think he gave me a thought in his 'despair'. I think he was so freaked out that he just wanted me to terminate as quickly as I could.

I think your right in that it was guilt that made him suggest to try again.
His dad died 25years ago and it left him devastated.

I'm just so tired of it all x thank you for our kind words x

[Topseyt]

Witchway could have a point, though he is still being cack-handed over it all.

I remember from personal experience that the pregnancy following a miscarriage can be scary. I didn't let myself really relax or begin to believe my daughter could be real until well after I had actually given birth to her. Perhaps some men do have a similar reaction, even though they would rarely admit it.

[WitchWay]

Perhaps after the miscarriages he's terrified something will go badly wrong even at this late stage, which is possible, sadly, but fortunately not likely. Maybe that fear is preventing his accepting the baby as "real" till it is properly here.

[Topseyt]

He made you feel you had little choice but to have the termination, but it didn't seem to occur to him that it would have any effect on you at all.

He then (probably feeling very guilty and sheepish) suggested that you could try again, which you did, but unfortunately encountered the miscarriages before this successful pregnancy (congratulations by the way).

He should now be acknowledging the impending arrival of his child instead of trying to ignore the situation. I can certainly see why you are very hurt by all of this, and I would say he is being a dick.

Was his father's death recent or a long time ago? Has he ever managed to deal with it properly? I actually fail to see why he equates the arrival of another child with the death of one of his parents, unless he is just meaning in a cack-handed way that he is sad that his father won't be around to meet the new arrival.

He may need some professional help, but will he accept it? I do hope he gets his act together once the baby is born, at the very least.

[Hewhodares]

viviennemary I hope your right. He was a little disappointed when he found out about DD2 (despite her being planned) and he loves her.

[Hewhodares]

northernlurker your correct. He is a good man and we had a brilliant marriage prior to this. I'm just very tired of the guilt and lonely pregnancy.

[Northernlurker]

I think we should be cautious in urging the OP to dump the man atm. Yes he's behaving badly but I don't get the sense from the OP that she wants to end the marriage as such? They are approaching two years since the termination and a lot has happened since. In particular I note that the husband has been supportive of the OP in dealing with her father's illness.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

He is behaving horrendously, you poor poor thing. He basically bullied you into a termination and is now refusing to acknowledge your pregnancy. This should be a happy time for you, something positive to focus on despite your fathers illness, but he has spoilt it for you.

I would honestly be asking him to leave.