Caught him with another woman

[RingleaderOfTheTormentors]

I have been in an on/off relationship with ds(6)'s dad for 6 years (together for 9 years, things went wrong when I got pregnant (planned) and he went off on 14 hour drug/drinking binges.
There is FAR too much history (his lies/gaslighting/EA) to write here, but in March of this year, we got back together. This was IT. An adult, mature relationship where we would talk our problems and feelings through.

He started being funny with me about 6 weeks ago: said he hadn't felt "welcome" at my house (it was DD13's bday and I had a houseful of family and friends - he went straight upstairs to play with ds then left without telling anyone he was going - ds was searching the house and garden for him)

I went to his house unannounced tonight, DS walked in. "D"P walked out to meet us in the hallway and said he was busy. I went upstairs to find that my toiletries were hidden in a bag in the cleaning cupboard (I wanted my sponge bag for DS's swimming lesson tomorrow am)
I cam down to "D"P holding ds in the front room, preventing him from going in the kitchen, saying there was nothing in the kitchen for him.
I opened the door to the back room, and there, under soft lightig, wine and DVDs, was a woman. I said "hello, I don't suppose he's told you about me, has he?" and she dropped her face into her hands. She told me it hadn't been going on long, and "D"P claimed that we'd been over "AGES AGO".
I offered to show her text messages in order to prove our ongoing relationship, but "D"P wrestled my phone out of my hands. I told her we'd been on holiday recently for half term, that we'd booked another family holiday for summer, and that he'd spent last weekend with us at the beach.
He said "I'd do anything to be with my son" - as if he had to tear off my clothes and proclaim his undying love for me to get access (which he had had regularly two overnights a week and the last weekend of every month - BEFORE we got back together)
Now I'm having a conversation with his fucking MOTHER who says she knew about OW as she had put herself in a relationship with him on FB, but knew nothing about ME being back with him.

I felt nothing at the time. Now I'm angry. I'm not hurt, or betrayed, or disappointed. It's par for the course with him.

[RingleaderOfTheTormentors]

boris I have had a good hard think about this, and I believe that she must have known SOMETHING about me. He will have spun her some bullshit, no doubt, but her reaction to me walking in on her was to drop her face into her hands - not something an innocent would have done? and to proclaim desperately "not long, not long, not long" when I asked how long it had been going on.
That has kind of tortured me, the not knowing WHEN. And how much texting and flirting went on beforehand. WHEN ????
There's me pottering on in complete fucking ignorance. I almost went to talk to him to ask him these questions. But thank God I didn't. I'd never get an honest answer anyway.


onmyown I think you really have hit the nail on the head. Sorry you had one too.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

He sounds utterly vile. A product of his mother's indulgent upbringing . My ex mother in law just as bad. Asked me what I'd done to drive her son to an affair. It 's so hard to disengage when kids involved and I know how you feel about your son seeing ow. My 12 year old just back from a night with his dad and the ow. I just keep thinking be grateful she took him off my hands. Your ex sounds as pathetic as mine. Stay strong

[borisgudanov]

Did OW not dump twat like a ton of shite when she found out she was the OW? If not more fool her.

Take twat to the CSA and give him something to think about.

[NickiFury]

Rightly or wrongly there's no way he'd be taking him. I don't give a fig for the "Dads have rights too", yes they do but Mums who are full time carers and who do all the shit work have more and children have more still. Being introduced to his new GF this early on is just ridiculous and actually damaging and SOMEONE has to step up and say it.

[RingleaderOfTheTormentors]

No I have asked him to pay £40 per week, which for the past 4 weeks he has paid. He realises that the csa would demand a lot more so has paid up. I daresay there will be comebacks from demanding he pay up. We'll see what malignant response he has to it in time I'm sure.

[mindyourown1]

Did you go to the CMS for maintenance? I really hope you did. And I agree, let him take you to court for access. He sounds hell and needs to be kept well away from all of you.

[Jan45]

You need to rid your life of this scum, disengage as much as you possible can.

[RingleaderOfTheTormentors]

I am VERY happy to be finally rid of the malignant fuck. I am happy for ow to spend the rest of her days with him. But I am not happy for her to be spending time with my son.
I know it will be inevitable one day, if she puts up with the cheating cocklodger for any amount of time, but IMMEDIATELY they got caught shagging behind my back?
Who is she? All I know about her is she's either really fucking dim to be taken in by a load of blatant lies, or she has the morals of... Well, of my ex.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Quite honestly I wouldn't be letting this fuck-face see his child, no matter what he threatens. Let him get his arse to court first. He's not a positive influence in his life and is unlikely ever to be one. I suspect all this wanting to take DS away is just a window-dressing pretence as a good Dad just for the OW's benefit. He couldn't be arsed to pay for his school-clothes without expecting you to go halves, remember?

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on!

[RingleaderOfTheTormentors]

So now ds comes home and tells me he's been spending EVERY weekend since I caught EX with OW at his dad's house with OW, and they want to take him away camping. EX has NEVER. EVER organised a day out/holiday/short break or taken ds anywhere - not even to a play area. The only thing he's ever done is taken him to visit his family, and his sister organises days out to the zoo/Blackpool tower.

I am shocked that he's allowing OW (who he has known for 5 minutes) into our son's life. He always slagged off dd and ds1's dad for leaping from woman to woman and introducing the kids to 8 different "fiances" over the years. Yet he's doing the same. He should be concentrating his time with Ds on HIM, and having his rel with OW separate IMO.

He's demanding I give up my days at the weekend with ds so that he and OW can take him for 4 days. And where will they all sleep? DS in the same tent with ex and OW shagging all night?

WIBU to say "you've got your hole, go fuck it, and leave my son out of it" ?

[justiceofthePeas]

JADE do not Justify,Argue,Defend or Engage.

If he tries to sidetrack you with you did this you do that just drag him back to the subject. The subject being your child, you pay.

My x does exactly the same. He will bring up any old irritating nonsensical pile of shite to try to avoid the matter in hand (his parental responsibilities). Hard though it is not to point out what massive deluded hypocritical twunts they are, stick to the point.

[RingleaderOfTheTormentors]

I've asked him for £40 a week. He said "hahah, buying a new car, are we? with that and all your tax credits you're on a great screw", then demanded to know what exactly it was going on. I told him I wasn't required to send him copies of my household bills or show him receipts.

Then he said all he'd ever wanted was a proper relationship that I wasn't willing to give, and when he moves on, I go and get violent!
He never has let the truth get in the way of a good story.

Then he started going on about my failings as a parent (not paying for DS's school trip today, and dumping his school bag on the floor of the car)
I told him the trip was paid for, and the school bag was at HIS house.
He said "excellent. Have a nice life"

He's such a fucking cock. I hope to CHRIST my gorgeous little boy grows up NOTHING like his lying cunt of a father.

[Bogeyface]

Dont email him, that will just give him the heads up about the CSA and he could start hiding money.

Just go straight to them, they will have access to his HMRC records so can see what he is earning if he refuses to co-operate.

[WildBillfemale]

Get legal child support in place whatever that entails. Verbal agreements with this man will just be a shed load of stress.

[RingleaderOfTheTormentors]

Beer fags and booze - should have read beer fags and drugs :)

[RingleaderOfTheTormentors]

No, he doesn't pay maintenance - he actually REFUSES to do so.
I work 20 hours as a fitness instructor, I am on good pay, and I receive tax credits.

He works full time on good pay, but says why should HE give ME money he has EARNED when the gvt GIVE me money for nothing?

When DS was at nursery, I got child care tax credits. He paid the short fall (in the end, around £50 a month) because he said he wasn't happy giving me cash as he didn't know what it would be spent on (beer fags and booze - I wouldn't have wasted a penny)

So since he's been out of nursery he hasn't paid. On Thursday (before the cheating discovery) I asked him to order new uniform for ds at school (can only get it from school) And he said "are we going halves?"
A sweatshirt is £7.50 FFS. Trousers are about £4.

I'm going to email him today and ask he pays me directly or I will go through CSA. I was thinking £40 a week, is that OK? I'm not sure what he's on, but I know he's been able to increase his earnings by doing management courses etc whilst I look after his child.

[SirRaymondClench]

Please stop talking to this man's mother and please stop engaging in this ridiculous situation with him.
You have DC you need to focus on.
Delete and block him and his family from FB.
Put this situation behind you, it will never get better.

[Pinkballoon]

Have you been to the CSA if he's not paying any maintenance?

[intricqate]

Yes, go the the CSA and detach from the man completely. No contact sounds like the best idea.

Good luck to you

[RingleaderOfTheTormentors]

It's not the first time he's done that. Over Xmas I broke my phone, so I borrowed the one I'd just bought my dad for Xmas :) Obviously Dad didn't want knobby having his phone number, so I told him he could only email me. He went nuts when I answered the door to him and he saw the phone in my pocket - he knew I'd borrowed my Dad's as he'd quizzed DS. He's just a fucking horrible little man, an utter fucking control freak.

My cycle of going back has ended, and he's done me a favour. Whilst I've had seriously fucking weak moments today, I resolve NEVER to allow this little fuckwit into my life again.

It could have been so good. If he weren't....him.

[hoobypickypicky]

"D"P wrestled my phone out of my hands."

That's the bit that really jumps out at me. Make him part of not just your past but your son's too. He can't be trusted to act reasonably. He does not get to "wrestle" things from you. In my mind that's an act of aggression - what would he have done had you put up a struggle, so to speak, and hung on to the phone for dear life?

The absence of this feckless father will be of no detriment to your DC and you will recover and be happier for it too.

[Bogeyface]

Go to the CSA, job done.

[CoffeeTea103]

Op you've been back and forth for 9 years! It's time to wake up and see things for what they are. How many of those 9years were you happy? You have a dd13 do you think it's good for her to have this type of relationship as an example. If you don't walk away this time then this is what your life will be like.

[justiceofthePeas]

Try the Freedom program online.
He's a nob.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

You aren't a knob by any stretch of the imagination. You've been taken in, partly by your own trusting nature. Trust and hope for the future are not bad attributes. It's just that that trust has been misplaced but now that the scales have fallen from your eyes, it won't happen again if you stand fast. At least not with this particular arsehole anyway.